An Idiot's Guide to the Universe
by muishiki
Summary: Naruto asked the wrong question one day. Everyone knows he's not the sharpest kunai in the pouch, but between dumb luck and sheer stupidity, just maybe he can figure out how to get home. Naruto multi-cross. Crack fic.
1. A Very Dense Object

I don't own any of these characters.

An Idiot's Guide to the Dimension Hopping

----

"No, but seriously, Ero-sennin. Where do they come from?"

Jiraiya, renowned Toad Sage and one of the Three Legendary Ninjas, shook his head in exasperation. He attempted to explain it again. "I told you, the summons just come from where they come from. Don't think about it too much, Naruto."

"But where?"

"I don't know! It's another dimension, kid." He wanted to yell. Actually, he wanted to cream the little brat, but he also didn't want to risk pissing him off. Naruto was annoying in the way that only a twelve year old just starting puberty could be. After witnessing Naruto release three tails worth of power from the nine-tailed demon sealed inside him, he was wary about angering the kid too much. Shit, he'd been laid up for weeks healing from that incident.

"So, it is like, in Wave Country, or somewhere?"

"GAHHH!" Jiraiya wanted to pull his hair. "Where did the Kyuubi come from?"

Naruto scratched his head. "Umm… My stomach?"

Jiraiya couldn't help himself. He slapped the blond upside the head. "No! Before he got sealed in you, idiot."

"Oh." Naruto paused, deep in thought. "I dunno… One second! I'll check!"

Jiraiya watched as Naruto's focus turned inwards, the light fading from his eyes slightly. It was creepy to know that he kid could talk to the demon sealed inside his stomach. It only took a second, however, and soon the blond kid was back, and as annoying as ever. "Huh… Weird. Fuzzy said he came from some place called the astral plane." Naruto shrugged. "I've never heard of it before. You think it's near Grass Country?"

A vein throbbed in Jiraiya's head. He whipped out the summoning scroll. "Look." He bit his thumb, drawing a small amount of blood. Mixing it with his chakra, he made the appropriate hand seals and summoned a small toad. The toad looked at Jiraiya and then Naruto, clearly confused as to why he was summoned. "What's up, Jiraiya?"

"I'm trying to prove something to this blockhead over here." He pointed at Naruto. "Where do you come from?"

The toad scratched its head. "Well, I come from another dimension, of course."

Jiraiya flashed the toad a thumbs up. "See, Naruto, does this help you at all?"

The blond shook his head. "No. I still have no idea where this place is located. If I pulled out a map, could you point it out to me?" Naruto pulled out his backpack and started rummaging around inside, looking for a scroll that had a map.

The toad looked at Jiraiya. "Is he serious?"

Jiraiya hung his head. "I'm afraid so. This is what I've been trying to explain to him for the last two hours."

"Two… hours?" The toad stammered.

Jiraiya let out a frustrated sigh. "Yeah."

"Damn." The toad hopped up to Naruto and kicked him in the shin. "Hey, brat!"

"What?"

"Do you know what dimensions are?"

Naruto scratched his head. "Uh… no?"

The toad turned to Jiraiya. "Good luck. Call me back when this idiot figures it out." The toad vanished in a puff of smoke, but not before grumbling about instituting some sort of intelligence test before allowing future summoners to sign the scroll.

"Let's play a game, Naruto."

"Cool! If I win, will you buy me Ramen?"

He couldn't restrain himself. Jiraiya lashed out, planting a meaty fist on the top of Naruto's head. Hard.

"NO! Now shut up and listen." He drowned out the grumbles from the blonde and tried to construct a scenario that even Naruto would understand. "Okay. First, how do you measure how big something is?"

"Damn it. That means math, doesn't it?" The blond scratched his head. "I suck at math."

Jiraiya wanted to grumble he sucked at everything but fighting, but held his tongue. "Yes, it involves math. So, if I wanted to measure how far it was from here to Konoha, how would I do it?"

"Just add up how many miles it is, I guess."

"Right. And if I wanted to measure how high a tree was?"

"I'd jump to the top and drop a rope, then measure the rope."

"Stupid, but effective, I guess." Jiraiya shook his head. "Okay, what about time? How do you measure time?"

"I'd use a watch, duh." Naruto stared at him like he was the stupid one. "Why?"

"Well, I'm just trying to explain to you what a dimension was. All those things – length, height, time… Those are dimensions, Naruto."

"Oh." His face scrunched up in confusion. "So, the toads, like come from a yardstick?"

Jiraiya rubbed his forehead. "No. But, they come from a place that doesn't exist in our world. Does that make sense? They don't live on our world, but they live on _a_ world. It might be just like this one, or it might not."

"You mean dimensions are like other places you can visit? COOOL!"

"No." Jiraiya sighed. "I'm saying that they might exist as other worlds, or they might not. The only thing we know about them is that alternate dimensions are places where normal rules don't exist, okay?" The toad sage pulled out a standard issue throwing knife. It was a plain kunai, nothing special. He held it by the ring on the end, letting it dangle from his fingers. "What would happen if I allowed this kunai to fall off my fingers?"

Naruto rubbed his cheek. "Is this a trick question?"

"No, idiot. Just answer me. What would happen?"

"Um… it would fall to the ground, right?"

Thank god, Jiraiya thought. "Yes. That's normal, right?"

"Right!" The blond nodded enthusiastically.

"Good. Now, an easy way to describe what another dimension might be like is to change the rules. Because, in another dimension, the rules aren't the same as they are here, because normal isn't normal there, get it?"

"What do you mean?"

Jiraiya was satisfied to note something that slightly resembled a thought being processed in the kid's mind. "What if there was an alternate dimension, just like ours. Everything was the same in that place. Fire Country was Fire Country, Tsunade was still the Hokage, you were you and I was me. With me so far?"

Naruto nodded. "Yeah. So, it's like we were living in a place just like this, right?"

"Right. What if, however, in this alternate dimension, which in every way is just like ours, there was one small rule change. What if, when I dropped the kunai, it didn't fall? What if, it actually floated away?"

Naruto shrugged. "I'd use a senbon, then."

Jiraiya smacked him again. "What if all throwing weapons behaved the same?"

"I imagine you'd have to change the way you throw them, then. It'd be hard to hit something if you couldn't count on it falling."

Success. "Exactly. In this alternate reality, the rules are different. That's why we call it an alternate dimension. Some dimensions are so different, that none of the rules that make up our world apply there. Nothing you or I know can live there. For example, where the Kyuubi comes from. If you tried to go there, you'd die."

"That wouldn't be fun. Besides, I'm not Hokage yet. I can't go there, then."

Jiraiya nodded wisely. "Yes, that's probably a good idea."

"So, how many dimensions are there?"

The older man shrugged. "Nobody knows. We know they exist, but you can't actually travel between them. Most likely, there are an infinite number of them."

"What's an infinite number?"

"A big number. More than you can imagine."

"I have a pretty good imagination. Try me!"

Jiraiya sighed. "More than the different flavors of Ramen, brat."

That shut up the annoyance quickly. However, for the next couple of days or so, Jiraiya was pestered by Naruto asking in for crash course in dimensions.

He chuckled at the thought. The kid might be a force in combat, but he was a few cards shy of a deck. So Jiraiya made up some fake technique that required an ungodly amount of chakra, an impossibly complex set of hand seals, and written seals done in blood, figuring it would keep the kid out of his hair for a few days while he did some research at the local hot springs resort.

Jiraiya prayed for Konoha, knowing the hidden village would need the help of the deities if Naruto ever became Hokage.

Jiraiya forgot a couple of things, though. First, was that Naruto was just stupid enough to be blessed with dumb luck. More importantly, he was stupid enough to promise he wouldn't quit until he figured it out, giving his dumb luck a chance to work. As history has demonstrated repeatedly, stupidity and determination are often responsible for human deaths on a massive scale.

So, when confronted with an impossible challenge, Naruto was determined enough not to let his stupidity keep him from achieving his goal. Second, he was the host to an experienced dimension hopper. The Kyuubi was determined enough to use his host's stupidity for its gain, should the opportunity present itself.

For once Naruto's goals and the Kyuubi's goals were in alignment. The Kyuubi didn't mind sharing its knowledge about dimensions or its chakra. Naruto had the impression the Kyuubi was mocking him every time he failed at his new justu. What did going places and moving mountains have to do with a new jutsu, anyway? Naruto didn't know about great places or being off and away, but he kept trying. He could almost feel the nine-tailed fox's excitement.

In retrospect, he should have been worried.

So when Naruto demonstrated the technique one evening and disappeared in a blinding flash of light, Jiraiya just stood for a while, shaking his head. Sure, Tsunade was going to kill him, but she'd have to find him first.

------

Naruto, I choose YOU!

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the sky was clear. In general, it was a good day to be alive.

Unless you were Naruto, of course. He sat up with a groan. He hadn't hurt like this even when Sasuke had pushed that damn chidori through his chest. Where ever he was, it certainly didn't look like Fire Country.

He'd celebrate his latest success, right after he finished passing out. When he came to again later, the sun had traveled a considerable way across the sky. There was a considerable weight on his chest, but he was too tired to lift his head. Instead, he took the path of least resistance and allowed gravity to pull his head to the side. Okay. Trees, grassy plain, blue sky. Looked like he was at the edge of a forest. He could deal with that.

Straining the muscles in his neck, he turned his head back to face upright. The weight on his chest shifted.

He found himself staring directly into the eyes of a rather large fox that was standing on his chest. Naruto's eyes traveled down the length of its body.

He counted. One. Two. Three. Four… yeap. Nine-tails.

Shit.

He didn't want to deal with this now. The sweet caress of unconsciousness called to him, and he happily surrendered.

------

The sun was up again before he woke. He hurt everywhere – his muscles protested in a fashion that he'd never experienced before. Struggling, he sat up, wincing as each muscle involved in the process gave a twinge and spasms.

"What happened?"

"It worked, but not like I had hoped," a low, gravelly voice stated from nearby. Naruto turned slowly to avoid additional pain, only to come face to face with the same nine-tailed fox he had seen earlier.

"Kyuubi?" It was about the size of a Saint-Bernard, almost on eye level with Naruto. Its paws were easily the size of his hands, and its mouth was big enough to do real damage if it desired. It had a deep, blood-red coat of fur and deep red eyes. Each tail was tipped in a light sheen of white.

The fox grunted.

"What… I mean, how?" Naruto's face drained. "I mean, Oh SHIT!" He scrambled to his feet, clawing at his belly as he frantically searched for the seal. It was still in place. He frowned.

"If this is still here," he pointed at his stomach, "what are you doing out there?" He paused. "And why haven't you killed me yet?"

The fox shook its head. "New dimension, new rules."

"That doesn't mean much to me, fox."

"Yes, because you're an idiot."

Nartuto harrumphed.

The fox sat down on it's haunches, looking Naruto in the eyes. "My best guess is that this dimension doesn't allow for demons to be sealed inside of human containers. Thus, my form." It twitched its tails. Naruto almost thought it looked annoyed. Its next statement confirmed that sentiment. "However, it seems that even with this form, that blasted seal is still active, as my spirit and a vast bulk of my powers are still sealed inside of you."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I can't kill you… Yet. But I'm looking for a way around it."

"Oh."

Silence stretched as the two just looked at each other for a bit. Without warning, Naruto forced his aching body into motion, slamming a foot as hard as he could into the fox's ribcage. The creature flew off into the forest, slamming against a tree, only to get lost in the shadows.

"Damn, that felt good!" Naruto was feeling better already. "I've been wanting to do that for a while!"

Then the fox attacked back.

----------

A panting, heavily bleeding and burnt Naruto lay on his back, pressing a wad of cloth against the larger bite wound on his thigh. If he were a steak, he'd said the Kyuubi had toasted him to a nice rare – A suitable layer of char on the outside, but still bloody and pink on the inside. He was also nicely tenderized from the pounding he'd received, not to mention the various bite wounds.

Even if most of its powers were still sealed inside Naruto, the fox had proven that it could still command fire rather well.

The fox was curled up a few feet away, glaring balefully at the boy. "Well, that was productive," it spat.

"Yeap!" Naruto tied off the bandage, looking for something else to use for some of the claw marks on his stomach. "And I'll do it again as soon as I can stop this bleeding. I've wanted to kick your ass for a long time."

"Insect."

"Fucking fur-ball." Naruto tore another strip of cloth off of his pants, using it to tie the bandage in place over his thigh. "Did you have to burn off all my clothes?"

"Orange is a stupid color."

"Don't make me come over there and beat you again."

"Hmff." The fox looked away.

"So, why am I healing so slowly?"

The fox shrugged. "Different dimensions, different rules, remember?"

"This sucks."

"Yes, it does." The fox licked its lips. "But your blood is rather tasty. Still, that frail human form puts me at risk as well. I'm still tied to your body. If you die, I die."

"Maybe I should just bleed out here, then. I'd be doing the world a service if I died here."

"I'll fucking drag your carcass to a doctor myself if I have to, you brat. I have no intention of allowing you to kill me in whatever god forsaken place you've managed to land us."

"You were the one that helped me figure out how to do this. You're partially to blame as well." Naruto struggled to his feet. "I guess we should go find some help. If I can't heal like normal, I'm not gonna make it too long out in the wild. I'd prefer to have less of your saliva on me then I already do."

The Kyuubi got to its feet as well, favoring a front paw greatly. "There are signs of some sort of human settlement to the south."

"How do you know?"

"I found it while looking around while you were unconscious like the pathetic monkey you descended from."

"Gee, thanks." Naruto turned and limped slowly to the south. He frowned when the fox followed, limping as well. "I meant to ask. Why are you sticking around?"

"It seems I don't have much of a choice. Since my spirit is still tied to your body, I'm limited in the range I can venture. When I get too far from your body my corporal form begins to weaken and disintegrate. It has been a long time since I was anything but a prisoner, and I'd rather not risk being totally forced inside that blasted seal again."

"You must hate that, huh?"

The fox narrowed its eyes and twitched one of its tails, setting the remnants of Naruto's shirt on fire. "What do you think, pissant?" The Kyuubi blithely ignored Naruto's screams as it walked away.

------

The pair managed to make it to town a few hours later. There were only two more blow ups between them. Naruto managed to bruise one of the foxes eyes shut with a luck right cross, but he got a bite on the ass for his trouble that made walking even more painful than it already was.

That, of course, pissed off the blond to no end, so he ended up kicking the nine-tailed fox to as punishment, which of course invited retaliation. Since Naruto's shirt had long since been burnt away and his pants were mostly being used to stop bleeding, the Kyuubi set fire to his eyebrows.

For shits and giggles, mostly, but also because it was pissed.

So the pair hobbled along, coming into town, battered, bloody, and in generally foul moods. They snipped at each other, but Naruto was physically in too bad a shape to do more than run his mouth. Upon reaching town, the first question they received threw them both for a loop. A goofy looking kid with coke-bottle glasses, a backpack, and a worse fashion sense than Naruto approached them and asked, "Wow! Is that a nine-tails? I'd never thought I'd see one of those!"

Kyuubi was about to set the little brat on fire when Naruto collapsed. Shit. The fox could feel himself getting weaker as Naruto's body began to shut down. It growled, "Doctor. Now!" before succumbing to the inviting blackness.

------

I've discovered I can't write a crack fic for the life of me. I have no idea what I'm doing, and no idea on how to make it funny. Feed back would be appreciated. Basically, I'm just going to write what ever the hell comes to mind for this particular work. I can't make any promises that I'll finish it, or even continue it. I've got a few ideas I'd like to play around with in the Pokemon universe, and a couple of others, as well. Creativity has really suffered recently, and so I'm just trying random ideas to make writing fun again.

So, the question becomes - what dimensions should Naruto venture too? This fic was inspired by Dr. Seuss' poem below. Don't ask me why.

**Oh, the Places You'll Go! **

Congratulations!  
Today is your day.  
You're off to Great Places!  
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.  
You have feet in your shoes  
You can steer yourself  
any direction you choose.  
You're on your own. And you know what you know.  
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.  
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."  
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,  
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any  
you'll want to go down.  
In that case, of course,  
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there  
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen  
and frequently do  
to people as brainy  
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,  
don't worry. Don't stew.  
Just go right along.  
You'll start happening too.

OH!  
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!  
You'll be seeing great sights!  
You'll join the high fliers  
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.  
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.  
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.  
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don' t  
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so  
but, sadly, it's true  
and Hang-ups  
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up  
in a prickle-ly perch.  
And your gang will fly on.  
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch  
with an unpleasant bump.  
And the chances are, then,  
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,  
you're not in for much fun.  
Un-slumping yourself  
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.  
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.  
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!  
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?  
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...  
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?  
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?  
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,  
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused  
that you'll start in to race  
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace  
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,  
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.  
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.  
Waiting for a train to go  
or a bus to come, or a plane to go  
or the mail to come, or the rain to go  
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow  
or waiting around for a Yes or a No  
or waiting for their hair to grow.  
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite  
or waiting for wind to fly a kite  
or waiting around for Friday night  
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake  
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break  
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants  
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.  
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!  
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape  
all that waiting and staying.  
You'll find the bright places  
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,  
once more you'll ride high!  
Ready for anything under the sky.  
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!  
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.  
And the magical things you can do with that ball  
will make you the winning-est winner of all.  
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,  
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.  
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times  
you'll play lonely games too.  
Games you can't win  
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!  
Whether you like it or not,  
Alone will be something  
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance  
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.  
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,  
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go  
though the weather be foul  
On you will go  
though your enemies prowl  
On you will go  
though the Hakken-Kraks howl  
Onward up many  
a frightening creek,  
though your arms may get sore  
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike  
and I know you'll hike far  
and face up to your problems  
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,  
as you already know.  
You'll get mixed up  
with many strange birds as you go.  
So be sure when you step.  
Step with care and great tact  
and remember that Life's  
a Great Balancing Act.  
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.  
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?  
Yes! You will, indeed!  
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...  
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray  
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,  
you're off to Great Places!  
Today is your day!  
Your mountain is waiting.  
So...get on your way!


	2. Pink is the Color of Pain

------

Chapter 2 – Pink is the color of Pain

Naruto woke with a groan and a strong case of annoyance. Pain was becoming all too common recently. He vowed to kick the bastard fox's ass once again as soon as he got out of where ever he was. Speaking of which... "Where am I?" His mouth felt dry and the coppery aftertaste of blood lingered in his mouth. He tried to sit up, only to feel a pair of hands restraining his shoulders.

A female voice said, "Please don't! You are badly injured. You need to rest for a bit or you might re-open your injuries!"

Naruto opened his eyes to examine the speaker. Had the guard rail on the hospital bed not been in place, he would have fallen out of the bed. As it was, he settled for a face fault. "Sakura?"

Nurse Joy blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Nothing. You just look like someone I know." Naruto shook his head. "Where am I?"

"You are in the Pokemon Center! I'm Nurse Joy! And you are?"

"Uzumaki Naruto! I'm going to be the Hokage!"

Nurse Joy blinked again. "That's nice. Now, Mr. Uzumaki, how exactly did you sustain these inj..."

"What is that?" Naruto interrupted, pointing at the pink... thing that stood on the ground next to the Nurse.

Nurse Joy cocked her head. "Oh my. You must have really been hit hard. This is my Chansey. She assists me with patients!"

"Umm... what... is a 'Chansey'?"

"Why, it's a pokemon!"

Naruto looked bewildered. "What's a pokemon?"

"Wow, you really have been severely injured. You don't know what a pokemon is?"

Naruto shook his head.

"Do you know where you come from?"

Naruto nodded. "Yeap! Konoha!"

"Ko...no... ha..." Nurse joy made a note. "And where is that, exactly?"

Naruto shrugged. "Don't know!" He pointed at the Chansey. It was offering him an egg, which he refused. "That thing looks like a Marshmallow Peep!"

"A peep?"

"Yeah, you know, those things you dissolve in alcohol or can microwave until they blow up?"

Nurse Joy frowned as Naruto went on, explaining that while nobody actually ate peeps (for one they were disgusting, two, you couldn't use them as a ramen topping, and three, they were just disturbing in the way they just sat there and looked at you), they were pretty useful for traps and pretty good as science experiments. Did you know that you could dissolve everything but the eyes? It was creepy. The eyes, man, the eyes – they'd always stare back up at you, no matter what you subjected the little buggers too.

Why, if you rigged up enough peeps and enough explosive tags, you could create a flaming ball of sugar, that would both burn and coat anything it touched, making stuff look like it had been powdered while also inflicting incredibly painful burn wounds. Hell, he remembered this one time when he sabotaged a laundry mat by putting peeps underneath the lint traps of all the dryers. He managed to ruin countless of loads of laundry before people figured it out. That was a particularly fond memory.

Nurse Joy frowned and looked down at her chart, mumbling something about massive trauma, severe concussions, and dissassociative disorders. "Mr. Uzumaki, I'm going to recommend a full work up for you while you stay here in the Center. Any questions?"

"Um... just one."

"Okay!"

"Is your hair naturally pink?"

"Yes?"

"Even, you know, down there?"

Nurse Joy looked at Naruto, mouth agape. Naruto looked right back at her. "Well?"

There was a brief pause. Nurse Joy was a mild manner soul who disapproved of violence of all types. However, for some reason, there was a sudden urge – no, that word isn't strong enough – a compulsion – yes, much better – a _compulsion_ to lash out. She wasn't even consciously aware of it. One moment she was making notes on her chart, and the next she was making notes on her chart, cataloging the various new injuries her patient had somehow accumulated. It never crossed her mind that she had caused them.

If you were standing in the hallway, you would have heard something that sounded like a rather brutal crunching sound. The sounds of Naruto's protestations emanating from the room were quickly drowned out by a series of rapid thuds, a resounding smack, and something that sounded suspiciously like a bed pan breaking over a skull. The steady "beep, beep, beep" of the heart monitor faded, instead letting out an incessant screech on a single note. Nurse Joy's voice rang out, "Code Blue, Code Blue! The patient in room 231 has flat lined again!"

"CHANSEY!"

----

When Naruto woke up again, he opened one eye carefully making sure he was alone in the room. That lady had to be related to Sakura. That roundhouse kick was picture perfect, and the follow up backhand had utilized her momentum beautifully. He sighed and settled in for a long stay. For the umpteenth time, he really missed the Kyuubi's75" value"Kyushu's, Kirbie's, Jujube's, Jumbo's, Jobi's, Cub's, Yob's, Kirby's, Jyoti's, Kyoto's, Gumbo's, Jib's, Cuba's, Gabi's, Gobi's, Kobe's, Cube's, Curb's, Kalb's, Club's, Galibi's, Jacobi's, Gabbi's, Kaaba's, Kerby's, Jobie's, Kaleb's, Kelby's, Krebs's, Kabob's, Kebab's, Gib's, Khyber's, Jujubes, Jumbos, Job's, Keelby's, Kellby's, Cubs, Yobs, Crib's, Gabie's, Cuber's, Yobbos, Gumbos, Kabobs, Jibs, Cob's, Cab's, Cubes, Curbs, Gob's, Krebs, Clubs, Grubs, Cubers, Joyous, Kebabs, Jobs, Jabs, Cribs, Cabs, Cobs, Gabs, Gobs" / healing. Is this what everyone else had to go through? 

Hell with that! It was almost worth having that damn demon inside him. Speaking of the demon...

The Kyuubi was curled up in a chair by the bedside. Naruto was too weak to get out of bed, but he did have a handy bed pan. He threw it as hard as he could, managing a satisfying 'gong' sound as it ricocheted off the skull of the fox.

It opened one eye. "Pathetic monkey."

"Bastard fox."

The fox sat up and yawned. "Now that you've gotten that out of your system..." It whipped a tail forward and smashed Naruto in the ribs. He grunted in pain. The fox grinned, obviously enjoying the situation. "It seems that they can pretty much heal these things called 'pokemon' instantly. Now, I just have to wait for my pathetic container to heal."

"Well, I won't heal if you keep breaking my ribs."

The tail flashed out again and hit the same injured rib. "You're right. But this is so much fun. The ability to torture you physically is so much more satisfying than being forced to torment your pathetic brain through manipulating the seal."

"I'm going to kill you when I get out of here."

"Kill me, kill yourself. Remember, we're linked."

"Right." Naruto pouted. "So, what are these pokemon things people keep talking about?"

The tail took him in the ribs again. "Manners, monkey."

"Fuck you!"

Whap!

Naruto growled trying to protect his already damaged side. "That hurts, you idiot!"

"That's the point, moron."

"So, what are these pokemon you're telling me about?"

The Kyuubi shrugged. "They are these rather delectable creatures that run around in the wild in this reality. Apparently, the humans of this world like to capture them as pets to battle them against each other."

The fox sniffed, making it perfectly clear what it thought of that idea. "It is a complete waste, if you ask me. They are rather tasty, however. Some taste like chicken, some like fish, and others more like taffy, or a bonbon. A tangy, crunchy outside with a soft chewy, caramel-like center." The Kyuubi licked its lips.

"I'm particularly fond of the ones they call Pichu's, as they are particularly delicious when served with a side of rice and…" The Kyuub wiped its mouth with a paw. "Excuse me. I find it hard to contain my enthusiasm. I've only sampled a small number of these beings, and I look forward to many more wonderful gustatory experiences."

"You still haven't answered my question, Fuzzy."

The fox narrowed its eyes dangerous. "Fuzzy?"

"Yeah, I called you Fuzzy." Naruto crossed his arms. "If you call me monkey, I'm calling you Fuzzy. Got a problem with that?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I do." Its tail lashed out and caught Naruto in the ribs again. "You can call me Master or Lord Kyuubi, monkey."

"And you can suck these monkey nuts, Fuzzy. I'll call you what I want." He received another blow from a tail with that response. "Cut that out, you bastard! And, honestly, who uses words like 'gustatory,' anyway?" Naruto shook his head. "What the hell does that mean?"

"It means, you idiotic human, that you need to heal faster so we can leave this place and sample the pleasures of this dimension."

"Why should I let you eat other peoples' pets?"

"Did I mention that they use elemental attacks that are very similar to Chakra? I'm sure you could learn a whole slew of new skills here."

Naruto's eyes widened. "MEDIC!"

Nurse Joy stepped into the room. "Yes?"

"I think this pile of fur over here broke a rib."

The nurse frowned. "Let me check…" She carefully prodded his side. "No… doesn't seem broken." She pulled out a small hammer and nailed him in the bruised rib resulting in a satisfying snapping sound. She looked at the hammer in her hand, then down at the patient writhing in agony on the bed. "Hmm… Now why did I do that, Kyuubi-sama?"

The fox shrugged. "I just think anything with pink hair hates him."

"Oh, right." She poked the rib again, eliciting another cry of pain from Naruto. "Now it's broken, though!"

----

"Hi Nurse Joy!" Naruto sat up in bed. "Are you going to beat me again today?"

"Naruto! I never beat my patients! I'm shocked you would think that!" Her tone was as light and chipper as always. "How's your jaw doing?"

Naruto opened and closed it repeatedly. "Better. You think I can get the wiring out this week?"

"Depends. I'll have to check to make sure it's set properly, after all."

The blond pouted. "I don't know why you keep getting so mad at me. I only wanted to know if the drapes matched the curtains!"

CRACK.

"Are you alright? What was that awful noise?" Nurse joy pulled her knee out of Naruto's face. "Let's take a look at that jaw, shall we?" She examined it closely, noting fresh signs of bruising. "Hmm... doesn't look like I'll be able to remove the wiring after all. That's too bad." Nurse Joy smiled brightly. "Well, back to liquid foods only for another week!"

---

Kyuubi, of course, luxuriated in the room, waited on practically hand and foot by Nurse Joy.

"Oh, I've never seen such a charmingly wonderful nine-tails! He's so interesting and witty!" Nurse Joy giggled, stroking the Kyuubi's fur lightly. "For a fire type pokemon, he certainly seems to be well balanced."

"Fire type?" Naruto had learned to be very cautious when asking questions of Nurse Joy. The violence was unpredictable. Worse, she didn't even realize she'd done it till after the fact. Then, she'd often hit him again for making more work for her.

"Oh yes!" She started ticking of categories on her fingers. "There are two categories, really. First, you have the physical types, like Poison, Flying, Ground, Rock, Ghost, and Steel. Then, you've got the Special types, like Water, Wind, Electric, Psychic, and Dark."

Naruto nodded sagely. "It sounds like chakra, alright."

"Shut up, monkey. Your jabbering is detracting from my enjoyment of this experience."

Nurse Joy giggled. "Oh Kyuubi-sama. You're so funny!"

"So basically," Naruto asked, watching Nurse Joy closely for signs of twitch reflexes, "all I have to do is become a trainer, right? I go around catch these pokemon and beat other trainers, right?"

Nurse Joy nodded. "Right."

"Well, as soon as I get out of here, I'll start right away!" Nartuo gave Nurse Joy a patented Maito Guy 'Nice Guy' pose, or as best he was able from his hospital bed. He was rewarded with a reflexive elbow to the sternum.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I don't know what came over me!"

Kyuubi positively purred. "Mind him not, Nurse Joy. He'll get better eventually." The fox jumped of the chair. "Yesterday you showed me an absolutely deli… err… interesting Grass type pokemon. I was hoping you could show me a different Grass type that I haven't sampl… er… seen yet?"

"Oh of course! Our patient needs his rest, anyway. Come right this way, Kyuubi-sama!"

----

A few hours later, the Kyuubi came back into the room, licking his chops and savoring the flavor of his latest meal. "Mmm… a bulbasaur. Scrumptious!" He hopped up onto his normal chair. While tormenting Naruto was fun, he was getting bored and ready to move. Until the monkey was ready, however, he was stuck here. He had found his maximum range to be less than one-hundred yards. Useful, but still entirely too close to the stink of human flesh.

"Wake up, idiot."

"Go away." Naruto only grunted when he received a tail slam in the ribs for this response.

"Haven't you figured out how to heal yourself yet?"

Naruto didn't bother to turn around. "I thought you said you couldn't."

"No, I only said it was normal here. That doesn't mean you can't do it." The Kyuubi carefully examined one of its paws. Nurse Joy certainly gave a good pedicure. There were some advantages to having the power of seduction over human females. "My power is sealed inside your body. You still have access to it as long as the seal remains."

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Oh." Naruto sat up, wincing. "That doesn't tell me much, though."

"Just draw on my chakra as you normally would. The rest of my magnificence should come with the chakra as well."

"I don't trust you." Naruto crossed his arms and glared at the fox.

"Fine. I can always call Nurse Joy in here to check up on you again."

"Ah… no." Naruto licked his lips nervously. "That won't be necessary, really."

"Well, are you going to try, or not?"

Naruto frowned, then concentrated. He wasn't angry or desperate, so it was harder for him to find what he was looking for. His awareness turned inwards until he found himself once again in the familiar dank sewer system of his inner chakra coils. He headed immediately for the Kyuubi's cage.

Instead of the normal giant fox residing behind the bars, it was simply a giant red orb of chakra, floating above the ground, emanating a vile red light and illuminating the entire area.

Well, crap. Here he was, and he had no idea how to utilize that big ball of chakra just sitting on the other side of the seal. That was just the Kyuubi's chakra and spirit; its intelligence wasn't there to ask permission or give it will. He sat down on the ground, ignoring the cold water on the ground, thinking of a way around this problem.

Before, he'd always just demanded, and it showed up. Nodding his head, Naruto jumped up and pointed a finger at the glowing ball behind the bars and shouted, "Alright, Kyuubi's chakra! You're going to heal me, and you're going to do it now!"

Nothing happened.

Maybe he didn't yell loud enough?

----

The Kyuubi snorted in disgust. The monkey was probably in there trying to yell at his chakra to do what he wanted, rather than just taking it as was his right as a host. The fox mentally went over how many pokemon he'd caught recently. He was up to about ten so far, each unique and flavorful in its own way Pichu was still his favorite, as it was complex and slightly nutty, with a sharp flavor that was distinctly reminiscent of ozone. Caterpie was light and fluffy, with a hint of lemon and a satisfying bite. Hmm...

So many dishes, so little time!

He was determined to catch them all before leaving this universe; every single last pokemon on this miserable little planet. He could care less about completing a pokedex – he was just hungry, and he hadn't had anything that tasted this good in eons.

-----

"Heal me!"

Nothing.

"Do it!"

Nothing.

"My will is your command."

Nothing, of course.

"GAAAAAA!!!!"

Naruto snapped out his meditation to glare at the fox. "Hey Fuzzy – why ain't this working?"

"Don't call me that."

"You want me out of here faster? Help me out."

The Kyuubi rolled its eyes. "Have you tried molding chakra yet?"

Naruto blinked. Then blinked again. He was going to blink a third time, but the Kyuubi beat him to it and whapped him across the forehead with a paw.

"Idiot."

"Right." Naruto nodded in agreement and made a simple Ram seal, pulling up his chakra. He quickly found the ball of chakra sitting in his stomach that didn't belong to him and pulled on it as well.

He could immediately feel the effects as his bones started itching where they were healing. "Alright!" It even hurt less to smile now. "This is more like it!"

The sound of a buzzer distracted him from his concentration. The Kyuubi had run Nurse Joy.

"Oh Nurse…. I think our patient needs to be checked on."

"Coming right away, Kyuubi-sama!"

Naruto just whimpered.

------

He was out of the hospital two days later. The Kyuubi loved to allow him to get almost completely healed before calling in the Nurse.

Nurse Joy had been kind enough to give him some advice and a black eye before checking him out of the hospital. She, of course, wasn't aware of giving him the black eye.

He just took it in stride.

"Remember, Naruto, Kyuubi's a fire type pokemon. Each type of pokemon has some sort of weakness. (Oh, not you, Kyuubi-sama! I'm just trying to make a point. Would you like more candy? Here you go.) So, if you were facing a fire type pokemon, a water type pokemon would be a good choice if you have one, as it would exploit the natural weakness against fire. A good trainer will have a balanced group of pokemon to call on. And keep your pokemon happy! A happy pokemon will fight better for you!"

"Thank you, Nurse Joy!" He bowed.

She bowed as well, timing it so that she head butted him on the way down, thus the black eye. "Oh, you're welcome, Naruto. Please bring Kyuubi-sama to visit when ever you'd like!"

"I will…" Not, he declared emphatically in his mind.

"One more thing before you go - most of the time, you want to use the strongest pokemon you have so that you can end the battle quickly! That way, you run less risk of them getting hurt. But if you ever hurt one, bring it by to see me and I'll patch it right up!"

"Oh, okay." He bowed again, squinting with one eye. He'd wait till he got away from her before healing this.

"Before you go, I've got one more thing to give you." She reached into her sack.

Naruto stepped back warily, watching her feet and elbows closely.

"Here!" She held out three red and white spheres with a small circular clasp on the front. "These are pokeballs! You can store your pokemon in them, or use them to capture other wild pokemon. If you want to be a trainer, you also need a starter Pokemon – so choose one!" She handed the balls to Naruto and pulled out three more pokeballs.

She threw the three spheres to the ground, revealing a bulbasaur, charmander, and a squirtle. "This one's a grass type, this one's a fire type, and this one's a water type! Since you already have a fire type, I' suggest either the grass type or the water type."

The Kyuubi hummed. "Hmm…. I've already tried the bulbasaur, so I wouldn't mind either the charmander or the squirtle."

"You're not eating these, Fuzzy."

"Pity. The squirtle looks rather exquisite."

"You said the squirtle was a water type, right?"

Nurse Joy nodded.

"Alright! I'll take him."

"Good choice!"

"SQUIRTLE!" The pokemon jumped up and down next to Naruto. "Squirt, squirt, Squirtle!"

Naruto's eyebrow twitched. "Kyuubi?"

"Yes, monkey?"

"If he keeps this up, I just might change my mind about you eating him. Even you aren't this annoying."

"SQUIRTLE!"

-----

Next time: Battle!

This chapter was inspired by the thought - maybe it's the pink hair that invites Naruto abuse. I'm open to suggestions as to which worlds Naruto should visit. I only plan on spending one or two more chapters in the world of Pokemon. So much crack, only one set of lungs.


	3. Abraham Lincoln Was a Good ol

In honor of Easter. Well, sort of, anyway. I don't own or hate these characters. I just couldn't resist. Be warned. Dirty words, sexual innuendo, and all excrement jokes abound in this piece of... crap. 

* * *

"God…" Naruto groaned as his bowels released and strained his colon, "I an NEVER making that modification to the seal again. Uh." He grunted as his colon went spastic once more, threatening to cause him to pass out as he evacuated his own body weight in dimensional detritus. "SON OF A BITCH!" 

It took nearly thirty minutes to recover. That's when he realized he had not toilet paper. A quick water technique later he was clean, but force to air dry as his command of wind wasn't that refined yet, and he was still rather attached to his posterior. Hanging his pants on a tree branch, he walked around the small clearing (and away the latest remnants of his dimension dive), taking in his surroundings. 

It looked normal enough – a forest with normal trees, no particularly vicious animals attacking him, no gay little ponies, no pokemon. He nodded. It was as promising a start as any dimension so far.

"Holy shit, kid. Put on some fucking pants, or I ain't giving you the god-damn basket. Jesus H. Christ! It's too fuckin' early in the morning for this shit." 

Naruto spun around, reaching for a shuriken, but realized he had left them in his pair of pants. However, he completely forgot about his pants when he saw who, or rather, what, was addressing him. It was a giant rabbit, wearing an eye-bleed inducing yellow vest with purple, green, and red polk-dots, a matching bowtie, and a woven wicker basket. 

While the rabbit had white fur, it didn't look all that clean, with some mats and tangles visible from fet away. The smell of alcohol permeated the clearing -Naruto could smell it radiating from the rabbit from yards away. When combined with the bloodshot eyes and squinting, the rabbit reminded him strongly of his sensei Jiraiya after he stole his money out of Gamachan and went whoring. 

The leaned up against a tree and pulled a packet of cigarettes out of the breast pocket of its vest, pulled out the last fag and crumpled up the package and tossed it in Naruto's earlier pile of shit. The rabbit patted down his vest pockets, looking for something.

"Got a light kid?"

"Um… a light?'

"You know, matches, a lighter, something that can make flame? What are you, a retard or something?" The rabbit shook his head. "And put on some god-damn pants already, for fuck's sake. Fuck. I ain't into little boys." 

Naruto walked over to his pants and put them on. "A flame?" 

The rabbit nodded. 

"Ah… okay." Naruto concentrated a bit, and then summoned a small flame at the tip of his finger. 

"Neat trick." The rabbit walked over and stuck the end of his cigarette in the flame, taking a couple of puffs to catch the end. He took a deep drag. "Ah… that hits the spot." He eyed Naruto carefully. "So, you want your basket or what?"

Naruto couldn't help it. Few things unnerved him anymore, but a giant talking, hard drinking bunny with a smoking habit was a little much for him to just accept on blind faith. "Who the fuck are you?"

The rabbit blew a cloud of smoke in Naruto's direction. "I'm the fucking Easter Bunny, ya dumb shit. Who did you think I was, the Tooth-fucking-Fairy?"

"Easter Bunny?"

The bunny shook his head. "Did your parents drop you on your head when you were a kid, or what?"

Naruto shook his head. "I don't have any parents."

The rabbit shrugged. "Sucks to be you." He reached into his wicker basket and pulled out a small, brightly colored plastic replica of the basket he was carrying. "Here. Make yourself sick or not, it's no skin off my teeth." 

Naruto accepted the package. "Wait!"

"Whadya want, brat? I'm in a hurry - I've still got about two million of these things to deliver."

"What's the Easter Bunny?"

The rabbit took another long drag on its cigarette. "You are an idiot, aren't you?"

"If you tell me, I'll help you deliver the baskets!"

This perked the bunny up. "Really?"

Naruto nodded, then molded some chakra. "Shadow Clones!" Instantly, the clearing was filled with hundreds of Naruto. Except for the ones who were standing in the pile of excrement, they all changed into copies of the Easter Bunny, complete with basket. 

The bunny whistled, which was kind of hard to do, seeing how his oversized front teeth made it hard for him to purse his lips effectively to create a passage way for the air. But hey, he was the Easter Bunny, and he could do some neat stuff. Anyway, he whistled.

"Neat trick, kid." He finished off his cigarette and flicked the bud away. "You don't smoke, do you?"

Naruto shook his head. 

"Damn." The bunny shrugged, then reached inside his inside breast pocket to pull out a small silver flask. Unscrewing the top, the rabbit took a long pull before screwing the cap back on and putting it back in his vest. He started pulling out baskets to hand to each clone, then directions on where to find the recipient of the basket. 

The rabbit smiled. "This is great. If we finish fast enough, I can hit happy hour." He started walking out of the clearing. "You know any limericks, kid?" 

"What's a limerick?"

The rabbit stared at him. "What kind of fucked up childhood did you have to not know what limericks and the Easter Bunny are?" 

Naruto shrugged and followed along. "I'm a ninja?"

"What's a ninja?"

This time Naruto shook his head. "You're saying I've got problems and you don't even know what a ninja is?" 

The rabbit waved him off. "Whatever. Anyway, you want to learn some limericks?"

Naruto practically bounced on his toes. "Are they cool techniques?" 

"I guess there's a certain amount of technique to it. It's a poem, see? Here, I'll give you an example -

There once was a rabbit on Easter,

Who could out-fuck any old geezer

With fur white as snow,

He'd do lines of blow

The blow a huge wad on a gal's keister."

Naruto started laughing. "That's pretty good! So, what are the rules?"

"A limerick is five lines, see? The first, second and fifth lines have to be three metrical feet long, while the third and fourth can only be two. It's got to have rhythm, ya know – it's got to just roll off the tongue an' be all lyrical and shit, like bada ba bada ba dum…" The rabbit illustrated with his free paw. "The first, second, and last lines all have to rhyme with each other, where as the third and fourth lines have to rhyme with themselves." 

Naruto smiled. "That sounds fun! Can I try?"

The rabbit nodded. "Yeah, but there's a trick, you see? It's got to be dirty. The dirtier the better." 

"Oh, okay!" Naruto's grin grew wider. "That makes it even better!"

"I'm glad. Give it a shot, kid." 

Naruto thought for a second before letting one bust out. 

"There once was a ninja from Konoha

Who excelled at removing his girl's bras

But to his great shame

He routinely came

Before he could get his cock in her maw"

The rabbit snorted. "Nice one, kid." A large rustling sound announced the return of several hundred shadow clones, each eager to make their next delivery. The rabbit passed out more baskets, taking time to get another pull on his hip flask before continuing. "This could be the start of a beautiful friendship, kid." 

"Name's Naruto." 

"I don't fucking care." 

Naruto frowned. 

"Hey," said the rabbit, "don't get all pissy on me." He paused. "I just got a good one!

There once was a man from Bel Air,  
Who was doing his girl on the stair.  
When the banister broke,  
He doubled his stroke,  
And finished her off in mid-air."

Naruto snorted. "You think that's good? Well, how about his one?

There once was a lady with teats 

So big you could use them as sheets

On men she relied 

To cover her pride

Because she was never able to see her feet

"Lame. You could do better." 

"Hey," Naruto squawked, "give me a break! This is the first time I've ever tried!"

* * *

The Easter Bunny was right. They did make happy hour. So pleased that he didn't have to stay up all day to deliver baskets, the Bunny took Naruto to his favorite bar, intent on getting smashed.

"Ever drink before, kid?"

Naruto shook his head. 

"Well, tonight you will. Drinks are on me."

"I'm not sure…"

"Don't make me fucking kill you. You're drinking, that's final. Hell, if we get lucky, I might even be able to set you up with Muffet."

"Muffet?"

"Yeah, little Miss Muffet." He pushed open the door to the bar. "She's a fucking slut – she'll sleep with anything." He scratched his nose. "Still, a good lay, though." He pushed Naruto in to the dark, smoky room. "But not as good as Alice."

"Alice?"

"Yeah, but she's in wonderland right now." He shrugged. "Oh well. Ya take what you can get."

A bunch of heads turned from the bar as the pair entered. The bunny waved at the bartender and some of the regulars. "Yo, Ribald! Brought a new friend. Two specials!"

The bartender looked at Naruto. "He seems kind of short. You didn't bring a kid in here again, did you EB?"

Naruto interrupted. "You're name's EB?"

"No. My name's the Easter Bunny. People just call me EB for short around her." EB pulled up a stool. "And he's not a kid, Barterman. He's a midget. Can't you tell?"

"I am not a midget!"

"Yeah, yeah, you're just vertically challenged. I know, I know, I support little people's rights, too." The bartender placed a couple of drinks on the counter top. "Now shut up and chug this first drink so we can get to round two." 

Naruto shot the Easter Bunny a death glare and reached up to the shot glass. He pulled it to his nose and took a whiff, only to pull away as it felt like he had just breathed in some cleaning fluid. "This stuff smells horrible! How can you drink this shit?"

"Like this." The Easter Bunny tipped the glass back and poured the liquid down his throat, swallowing it all in one gulp. He slammed the glass on the counter, indicating that the bartender should pour his a second, third, fourth, and fifth round. "You gonna drink yours, or what?"

Eyeing the drink carefully, Naruto copied the rabbit, tossing the liquid down his throat and swallowing it in one gulp, only to sputter, cough, and gasp as the burning sensation assaulted his throat, nose, and mouth.

"GAAAAA!!" Naruto fell backwards off his stool, clutching his throat and banging his heels against the ground, gasping for breath. 

The patrons in the bar laughed. 

Ribald lined up a few more shot glasses and filled them with more of the same. "EB, I don't want him passing out in my bar – you're carrying him out of here if he gets too drunk to walk, got it?" 

Naruto climbed onto his stool shakily, eyeing the shot glasses lined up in front of him warily. 

"Yo Ribald!" EB slammed down yet another shot. "Is Muffet around?" 

"She's in back with Jack and Jill. Why?"

EB laid a furry paw on Naruto's shoulders. "Pipsqueak over here's a virgin."

"No shit?"

EB nodded. "Yeap!"

Naruto picked up his second shot glass and downed it like he had the first. It still burned, but not quite as bad as the first. The third went down with less trouble, and the fifth and sixth tasted like water.

EB cut him off for a bit. "Slow down, buddy. Night's young yet."

Naruto could feel the Kyuubi's chakra kicking in, speeding up his metabolism. "Naw… I'm fine. I've got a real fast metee… meta… my body handles poison really well."

"I thought you said you'd never drank before." 

The ninja nodded. "I haven't. But I've been poisoned lots."

EB nodded. "Sounds good."

Naruto downed another shot. He was starting to feel good. "Who are Jack and Jill?"

EB's ears twitched. "Jack owns a local well, and Jill's his whore." He downed a shot. "Anyways, so Jack and Jill went up the hill, each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with two fifty..." EB shrugged. "Think they went up there for water?"

Naruto snorted some liquid out his nose, causing the burning sensation to flare up in his nose again and his eyes to water. He shook his head to clear the vision, spotting an old lady sitting in a dark corner of the bar, nursing a beer. He pointed at her. "Who's that?"

"Oh, that's Old Mother Hubbard. I've got a little story 'bout her, too." 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Wanna hear it?"

Naruto shrugged. "Sure." 

"Old Mother Hubbard,  
Went to the cupboard,  
To fetch her poor dog a bone.  
When she bent over,  
Rover took over,  
And gave her a bone of his own."

"Is that why she look so sad?" Asked the blond ninja.

"Naw," the bunny snorted. "She sad 'cause the dog died the other day." The bunny pointed at a couple sitting at the next table. "See them? That's Mary and Little Blue."

"Little boy blew who?"

EB shrugged. "Nobody knows, but we figured he did it because he needed the money." Ribald came and refilled his now empty shot glasses. "Now Mary, on the other hand, is still hung up about her little lamb. Bitch ain't been putting out for weeks."

"What happened to the lamb?"

"She had this lamb see, and it had a touch of the colic. She started giving it brandy, and the damn thing became an alcoholic." The rabbit laughed. "It gets better, though. After that, the damn thing was blind drunk one day and ran into a pylon. Bam!" EB smacked his paws together. "10,000 volts of electricity, right up the ass. Turned that lil' lamb's wool to nylon!"

"Did it die?"

"No, but her father shot it the next day, dead. Then the bastard had the nerve to give it back to Mary between two slices of bread." 

"Oh." 

EB nodded. "Yeah, those were some damn good sandwiches." He let out a sigh. "But before the lamb went up to that sausage grinder in the sky, Mary used to wear this skirt that had slits all the way up the sides. Everywhere she went, you could see her thighs. It was a thing of beauty." He knocked back another shot, matched by Naruto. "And she used to have this other skirt, with a slit right up the front." He made a motion like he was pulling up his zipper. "But she didn't wear that one often." 

From the back of the bar three figures stumbled out. Two girls and a boy, and all three seemed to be grinning and tugging at their clothes.

"He midget. Look's like Muffet's done. Let's go pay her a visit." He held up a paw. "But first, you're still entirely too sober." He slammed a paw on the counter top. "Bartender!"

Ribald came over promptly, pouring a long line of shots. One right after another, EB and Naruto downed them, then slid off their stools.

Well, EB slid. Naruto started sliding and kept on going as he collapsed, as the room refused to stop spinning. 

He groaned and sat up peering up, right into the exposed crotch of Miss Muffet, who was standing over him and looking down.

"Like what you see?"

Naruto nodded dumbly, not sure how to answer that question.

"Good. EB tells me you're fresh meat. That true?"

Again, Naruto just nodded.

Muffet grinned. "Goody! Come with me, midget." 

"I'm not a midget!"

"Well, we can still find out if you can come with me, then." She reached down and grabbed his hand, pulling him to his feet and towards the back of the bar. A round of cheers went up as he disappeared into the back with Muffet.

Naruto was nothing if not determined. Coupled with his ungodly stamina and ability to improvise, he proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he could come with Muffet.

Shadow clones also proved to be a big bone… er boon, as well. 

Much later, when the two staggered out of the back room, (Muffet staggered, Naruto walked proudly), more cheers when up around the room. 

"Yo EB!" Naruto called out loudly, pointing his finger at the rabbit. "My buzz is wearing off. Line up some more!"

Another cheer went up in the roo.

* * *

The next morning, Naruto woke up and stretched, smacking his lips together as he enjoyed the sensation of waking up slowly. He rolled over and cuddled up to the warm next to him, not quite ready to get up.

His eyes flew open.

"Mary?"

"God, Naruto. Not so loud." She groaned and covered her head with a pillow. "My fucking head is killing me."

"Sorry." He whispered.

She peeled the pillow off one corner of her face and glared at him with a bloodshot eye. "How can you even be awake right now? With the amount you drank last night, you should be dead."

Naruto shrugged. He had a pretty good idea, given the grumbling he could hear from the Kyuubi in his head. "Did I really drink that much?"

"You drank EB under the fucking table. Nobody's done that before. No one." 

Naruto smirked. "Well, I am the best, after all."

Mary rolled her exposed eye. "Yeah, you were pretty good, but not the best. I wouldn't get too cocky. You're still a bit on the small side."

"Hey!" he shouted.

"Jesus, Naruto. Volume!" 

"Sorry," he whispered. "I'm probably not even fourteen yet. Give me a break. It will get bigger." 

Mary groaned. "You're fourteen?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Great. Just fucking great. Now I'm a pedophile, too." She muttered and covered her exposed eye with her pillow again.

"Wait. How old are you?"

"What do you think?"

Naruto had no idea of knowing? "Um… twenty?"

She snorted. "Nice try kid. I'm thirty-seven." 

"Oh." Naruto seemed at a loss for a bit. "Well… um… you look much younger than you are?"

"Can it." 

"Right." Naruto paused. "I was wondering…"

"What?"

"Since you already fucked me last night… wanna go again?"

Mary peeled back the pillow and just looked at him for a bit. With a sigh, she nodded. "Sure. Get me a glass of water and some aspirin first, then we can make the beast with two backs, got it?"

Naruto was out of bed in a flash. 

Mary shrugged. Why the hell not. After all, he had been pretty… inventive. 

* * *

A little mayhem inspired by the Easter Bunny and mother goose. This is a writing experiment to prove to myself that excrement jokes, zero plot, and trite gags gets a bigger response than most stuff. 

Plus, it's fun to be stupid sometimes. Not all the 'poems' in this one are mine, but a good deal of them are. I'm not claiming credit for the ones I found, but then again, limerics are a free art form.

Enjoy. 


	4. I Choose You, With a Side of Slaw!

Chapter 3:

----

Naruto looked at the map, trying to figure out which way was North. Sometimes he wished he hadn't been so inattentive in Ikura's class. "Oi, Kyuubi! You know which way North is on this map?"

Getting no response, he turned around only to find out he was alone. With a sigh, he folded the map and went looking for the missing fox. It wasn't too hard. He just had to follow the smoke that was rising gently from the forest nearby.

He wasn't too surprised to find the Kyuubi chewing happily on the roasted carcass of a pokemon.

"What was that?"

Crunch. "I believe this was called a Wurmple. It has quite a nice mouth-feel, good legs, and a hint of oak. Floral bouquet. Lovely." The fox took another bite. "Almost… tastes like a hint of strawberries? Mmm…"

Naruto sighed in exasperation. "Well, you think you could hold off eating them until I can capture one? I'm trying to learn some techniques, ya know."

The fox shrugged. "You're just going to have to be faster than I am. Your fault if you're too pathetic to catch it before I do."

"Whatever. Do you know the way to the next town?"

"North."

"Which way is that?"

The Kyuubi looked at him like he was retarded, and then remembered who he was talking to. He pointed a tail in the opposite direction they had been traveling, not even bothering to pause as he finished up the remains of his meal.

The pair walked side by side down the road, Naruto flipping through the pokedex he'd be given as the Kyuubi scanned the horizon for his next meal. A little while later, the fox tore off into the bushes, its nose picking up a new scent, sending his olfactory and salivary glands into overdrive.

Naruto hurried after, pulling out a kunai just for reassurance. He followed the Kyuubi closely, arriving at a small glen only a few seconds behind the Kyuubi. The fox was standing in the middle of the clearing, his tails waving back and forth the pokemon and its trainer in the clearing.

"Mmm… I do believe that's a Pidgey. Lovely, lovely…" The Kyuubi was so distracted it didn't react in time to Naruto's fist coming down on the back of his head, making him bite his tongue as the force of the blow sent the fox crashing to the ground.

While the Kyuubi was stunned, Naruto took the opportunity to greet the trainer. "Hey! I'm Uzumaki Naruto, and I'm gonna be the best there is! I challenge you to a battle!"

The trainer was young a young boy, probably not more than ten years old. The boy shrugged. "Okay. I don't have any strong pokemon, though. I can't beat a nine-tails."

"Don't worry about it! I won't use him, okay?"

The boy brightened. "Really?!"

"Yeap!" Naruto thumped his chest. "I don't need that stupid fox to win. Believe it!" Naruto turned and delivered a vicious axe kick to the back of the Kyuubi's neck, who had just been struggling to rise. The fox crashed down to the ground again.

"Um… shouldn't you be nicer to your pokemon? I mean, a nine-tails is pretty rare…"

"What, this flea-bag?" A solid kick to the ribs punctuated Naruto's statement. "He's never been kind to me, so I'm not going to return the favor. I'd kill him if I could."

"I'm not sure I like you, mister."

"Ready?" Naruto called.

The boy shrugged. "I guess." He tossed out a pokeball. "I choose…"

THUNK, THUNK, THUNK.

The boy never got to finish his statement as Naruto embedded a kunai in his stomach, throat, and eyeball. The kid dropped to the ground like a sac of rocks.

"Well, that was anticlimactic." Naruto scratched his head. "I thought these guys were supposed to be strong or something." He hadn't even had a chance to use any of his cool techniques.

Naruto went over to the body and rifled through his belongings. Trash, clothes, magazine, money (bingo!), a pair of glasses, some candy (keep that for later), a pokemon training manual and three pokeballs. Score!

"Pidgey?" The winged pokemon had hopped over to the body, poking it with its beak. "Pidgey?" It looked up at Naruto and then down at the body again, clearly confused.

"What?" Naruto pulled out his kunai with a wet 'slurp,' wiping the bloody implements on the clothes he found in the bag.

"Pidgey?"

"Damn, you're annoying." Naruto thought about what he was supposed to do now. "Pidgey?"

"Shh. I'm trying to think." With nothing better to do, he pulled out the pokemon training manual and flipped it open to a random page. Luck was with him. Reading over the paragraph quickly, he reached into his pack and pulled out an empty pokeball and hefted it. The bird cocked a head at him. Naruto shrugged, touched the circle on the center and tossed the empty ball at the bird, pleasantly surprised when it reacted exactly like the book described and sucked the pokemon inside, trapping it.

A huge grin lit up his face. He pulled out another ball and turned towards the Kyuubi, which was still struggling to recover. He pressed the button on the ball and gave it a nice leisurely toss so that it landed on the fox.

A flash of light later, Naruto was alone. Sweet, sweet relief. A quick earth release technique and Naruto buried the body of the trainer and turned back to the trainer's manuals to see if there was anything else he could learn about these pokemon.

The first thing he learned was that generally, pokemon trainers let the pokemon battle.

"Oops." He murmured a quick prayer for the trainer he killed. Oh well. Can't make a bowl of ramen without breaking a few eggs.

-----

Naruto checked through his assembled pokeballs to see what he had. "Hmm… Pidgey, Squirtle, Kyuubi," that one got chucked back into his backpack as he continued, "Pichu, Rattata," he mused that he might have to feed that one to the Kyuubi later, "and a Drowzee. Hmm…" He scratched his chin, and then pulled out a pokeball and activated it. "All right Squirtle, let me see what you can do!"

"SQUIRTLE!"

"I swear, you scream that one more time and I'm going to shove a kunai in your eye. Believe it!"

"Squir…"

Thunk.

Squirtle blinked and sweat dropped as the kunai quivered in the ground between its toes.

"I won't aim to miss next time, Squirtle. Say it one more time. I dare you."

"…?"

"Better." Naruto walked up and pulled the kunai out of the ground. "This story only has room enough for one annoying character and the fox-bastard's got that one wrapped up. You just do your thing and keep those exclamations to yourself, and we'll get along fine, okay?"

"Sq…"

Thunk! This time, the kunai struck the ground behind Squirtle, but the damage had been done. A thin line of blood on the pokemon's cheek marked the kunai's passage.

"Err... meep?"

"That's right! You can say what ever the hell you want, but just don't scream your name like that. It's making my ears bleed." Naruto took a ready stance across from the trembling pokemon. "Now, show me what you got!"

"Water Gun!"

The blast took the blond ninja in the chest, knocking him back out of the clearing and against a tree. He groaned and spat out a mouthful of dirt. Pushing himself to his knees, Naruto reached for the Kyuubi's chakra, healing the damage quickly.

"Alright!" Naruto bounced into the clearing. Squirtle was torn between the desire to flee and the desire to check on his trainer. "Can you show me how you did that?"

"Sq…?"

Naruto held up a kunai.

"Meep?"

Naruto smiled and lowered the kunai. "Strange enough, I can understand you. Now, can you explain how you did that?"

Squirtle desperately wanted to scream out its name, but the kunai held a bit too casually in Naruto's hand persuaded the pokemon it would be bad for its continued health if it did so. Using a series of grunts, groans, and hand signs, the little pokemon tried to explain how it summoned water.

-----

"Shadow Clone Technique!"

"Henge!"

All round Naruto, a vast army of the various pokemon he'd managed to capture and learn the abilities of so far faced off against his real pokemon in a mock battle.

He grinned. This was going to be so cool!

----

Two weeks later, Naruto arrived at the first training gym. He felt confident in his abilities. He'd been working with all his pokemon for the last couple of weeks non-stop. It was great. Most of the stuff they had were low level techniques, but some of them were brilliant. Like Pidgey's gust attack? A low level wind justu, which was fantastic. All he had to do was pump a little bit more chakra into it and it quickly became capable of flattening trees.

He was in heaven.

But, he'd probably have to let the Kyuubi out soon, which meant he'd be in hell soon. The fox had been attempting to break out of his pokeball non-stop since Naruto had imprisoned him. The manual said pokemon couldn't escape once inside, but that didn't give him a lot of confidence.

This whole badge business seemed like a waste of time. Plus, he was pretty sure he wouldn't win a badge if he attacked the guy directly, so he'd have to allow his pokemon to fight it out.

Well, at least that's what they thought.

He walked up to the reception counter, shifting his bag. "Um… where do I go to challenge the Gym Leader for a badge?"

-------

"I choose you, Nidoking!" The Grassland gym leader threw out his first pokemon.

"Well, here goes nothing." Naruto mumbled, reaching into his bag. "I choose you, fur-ball!" With that he threw the Kyuubi's ball out into the ring.

"FREEDOM!" The nine-tailed beast roared. It immediately turned on Naruto, eyes ablaze with fire, tails twitching as it attacked with full force.

A quick kawarimi technique later and the gym leader's body was traded for Naruto's. He didn't survive for more than a few seconds. His pokemon didn't last much longer, either.

Needless to say, the few surviving spectators of the match would go on to say that Naruto had won. They gladly pushed the badge into his hand and hastened him out the door.

--------

"You stick me in that fucking ball again monkey and I will kill you. I don't care if it kills me as well."

Naruto dodged another swipe of the Kyuubi's tail and pulled out a move he learned from Squirtle. "Water gun!"

The Kyuubi was soaked, its fur clinging to its body. The water in his fur began to steam as he snarled, charging up his energy for a particularly lethal blast.

"SQUIRTLE!" The little pokemon ran between the two combatants, trying to stop the conflict.

Naruto's face twisted in rage. "Eat this sorry sack of shit, Kyuubi. I told him not to say that anymore!"

Anger forgotten momentarily, the Kyuubi regarded the quivering pokemon before him.

The pained cries of "Squirtle!!!" couldn't end fast enough for Naruto's liking.

------

Eight months later.

"Well, look. I've gotten at least eight gym badges from each of the regions four different regions, beaten the elite four trainers in each of the four regions, nearly completed my pokedex, and beaten three of the four regional Pokemon League Champions. I've got to beat one more, and then capture a few random pokemon to complete the pokedex."

"So?" The Kyuubi lounged on his back, idly licking out the shell of yet another Squirtle. For whatever reason, those things were dumb as bricks and couldn't keep from screaming out their name. The rest of his pokemon learned quickly enough, but it seemed this particular breed was destined to die.

Oh well.

"Well, I want to go home. I mean, sure, I could learn a few more techniques here, but honestly, most of what I've learned just isn't destructive enough to do much good against a real ninja like Kakashi."

"Hmm…" The Kyuubi closed his eyes and contemplated. "No."

"No?"

"No." The fox rolled over. "You can't go anywhere without my consent. I'm not ready to leave yet."

"Okay, what do you need to do before we can leave?"

"I've got a dream."

"Yes, and?"

"It involves eating every pokemon alive."

"Well, you're pretty close. I mean, you're only missing some of the legendary ones at this point."

"I think you misunderstand, Naruto. I mean every. Single. Pokemon."

Naruto paled. "Wow." He swallowed. "I mean… isn't that a bit… much?"

The Kyuubi grinned. It was a frightening experience. "How does the phrase go? Oh yes… got to catch them all."

"You're sick."

"No, I just appreciate the finer things in life."

Naruto stood up. "Well, if that's what it's going to take, we might as well get started."

------

This was it. The final battle: if Naruto won, he'd be recognized world over as a true pokemon master.

No need to draw it out, then.

He bit his thumb and smeared some blood on the ground. Pulling out a good deal of the Kyuubi's chakra, he screamed, "Gamabuta, I choose you!"

When the smoke cleared and Gamabuta stepped off of the remains of the building at his feet, he stared crossly at the blond ninja on his nose.

"Oi! What the hell are you doing summoning me to a dimension you don't belong in?"

"Sorry boss! You're the only one I could get to come across!"

"Well, I'm not fighting for you!"

Naruto nodded. "That's okay. I don't need that. You've already done what I needed you to."

"And what was that?"

Naruto pointed down at the ground. "See that building?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, you crushed the guy in it when I summoned you. I win by default."

"Oh." The toad boss grinned. "Sneaky!"

Naruto scratched the back of his head. "Well, I really wanted to give you a message to take back to Jiraiya."

"Hmm… What's in it for me?"

"Lots of Sake!"

"Deal." The big toad sat back on his haunches a bit, putting his pipe into his mouth. "What's the message?"

"I'm coming home as soon as I can. It just might take me a while."

"Got it. That it, kid?"

"That's it, boss! Thanks a lot!"

The toad harrumphed and disappeared. Naruto spent the next couple of hours digging through the rubble. There weren't many survivors initially, and none after the Kyuubi was done sampling the local cuisine.

------

Another six months passed as the Kyuubi attempted to fulfill its dream. Naruto was happy to tag along. Naruto and the fox had reached a good working compromise. He just followed the fox around and trained while it searched for pokemon, and in return they didn't beat each other senseless.

Of course, the fox wasn't making any friends with his actions. For whatever reason, trainers had challenging them frequently, shouting incomprehensible nonsense about dastardly plans and revenge. Usually the Kyuubi took care of them, unless there was a pokemon that they hadn't seen yet, and then Naruto would step in and take them out until he could learn all the pokemon's moves.

It didn't take long, as most of them only had a very small repertoire of techniques, and many of them overlapped. But still, he'd built up an impressive array of low and mid-level techniques. He felt much stronger now than he ever had in Konoha.

"Look monkey." The Kyuubi was pacing back and forth, obviously frustrated with the pace of the hunt. "You want to hurry this process up? Then you've got to give me access to my chakra. This form is too weak to do much besides chase down the pokemon and take them out one at a time. Plus, with the distance limit we're under, it's going take years for me to eat them all."

"Years?"

"Yes! How many of them do you think there are?"

Naruto thought about that for a bit. "Oh. Right." He paused. "So, how do I infuse you with chakra?" Naruto asked.

"Pull it up like you were molding a technique, and then just push the unmolded chakra into my body."

"Isn't that really dangerous?"

"Yes, but it doesn't really matter. We're going to be leaving here shortly, so the effects will be negligible." The Kyuubi sat down.

Naruto scratched his head. "How many tails worth of power are we talking about?"

"Five."

"No way. Too many. I'll give you two."

"Four."

"Two!"

"You want this done sometime this year? Three, at least."

Naruto paused. "You think three will be enough?"

The Kyuubi nodded.

"Alright. Well, I'm going to prepare the seals first, though. I'm going to jump the moment you try and turn on me, you got it?"

"I'm not going to. If you die, I die. That fact hasn't changed."

Naruto shrugged. "You're still a demon and I don't trust you."

"Technically, I'm a pokemon right now. But who's arguing semantics?"

----

Once the seals were ready, Naruto pulled as what he felt like was a third of the Kyuubi's chakra and forced it into the Kyuubi's body.

The results were pretty spectacular. While not as big as his nine-tailed form, a hundred foot tall demon fox on a pokemon eating rampage was still a sight to behold.

For the first time, he really understood the reason why Kohoha hated the demon fox so much. For him, the Kyuubi was an annoyance, a fact of life. It was like being a slum lord of a downtown apartment building – you were stuck with your tenants, no matter miserable or drug addled they might be. Even if they didn't pay the rent, you could still collect from the state, but you could never get rid of them.

But seeing this fox demon demolishing forests, mountains, and towns in its quest for the ultimate gastronomic experience put things in perspective. The rampage lasted three days. When the Kyuubi was done, there really wasn't much left of this world to make it worth hanging out anymore, anyway.

Naruto remembered that Jiraiya said that none of these places really existed. They were just 'what ifs,' so he wouldn't allow himself to feel bad about it.

But still, as he channeled the massive amount of chakra necessary for the next dimension hop, he made a promise. It didn't matter if this wasn't a real existence. He'd do better next time to protect it from the Kyuubi. After all, that's what he was born to do, so he might as well continue doing it.

Oh, except for the Squirtles. He was just fine with their destruction.

----

* * *

I'm done with the pokemon Universe. Sure, there's a lot I could write about it, but honestly, I don't know it very well, and it's hard to write about something you don't know and don't have the resources or time to investigate. I got what I wanted out of this.

So, where too next?


	5. My Little Pwnies!

I don't own these characters. The next couple of chapters are just pure evilness. Sue me.

----

My Little Pwnies!

Naruto sat up and cracked his neck, working out some kinks in his body. He was getting better at this. The first couple of universes after his first jump had been rough. He'd wake up feeling like a chew toy that had just lost a fight with a rather mean junkyard animal.

But, with a couple of modifications of the seal, the jumps had been getting easier. He'd have it right with just a few more tweaks. But that brought him to the most pressing issue.

"God, I've really got to pee!"

He ran off to the nearest tree and dropped his pants, emptying his bladder. Just in the nick of time, too. Dimension travel was worse than chugging a gallon of water and sitting in a cold room when it came to the call of nature. After a few minutes, Naruto sighed in relief as he contemplated the second most pressing issue. Giving lil' Naruto a couple of shakes, he tucked his package back into his pants as he looked around. "Where the hell am I now?"

It seemed calm enough. He was in a wide grassy field that had a few gently rolling hills topped with a thin scattering of trees sprinkled. He mused that it looked like good horse country. The far end of the field gave way and became a dense forest, but it looked harmless enough, nothing like the Forest of Death in Konoha.

Off in the distance, he could make out a pink mansion. He snorted. Honestly. Who builds a pink mansion? Anyway, that seemed like the best bet, so he decided to head in that direction, working his way from tree to tree. He stopped a couple hundred of yards away from the house, taking some time to observe from the distance to see if he could figure out anything about the inhabitants.

That brought him to his third most pressing issue. Actually, he mentally corrected himself, he'd have to label it his fourth, because right now he was dying for some ramen, and ramen was way more important than figuring out if the Kyuubi was external this time or not. Naruto turned his attention inwards. He was getting better at this part, too. Before, it would take him a couple of minutes of quiet concentration, if he could manage it at all. Now, in less than a minute, he felt himself falling into the familiar sewer system.

He walked through the water, coming all too soon to the Kyuubi's cage. To his immense relief, the tailed beast was in the cage, unlike when the last jump. Naruto knew he wasn't a genius, but he quickly discovered that finding out where the Kyuubi was _mattered._ Not did it matter to his own health, but also to the general safety and well being of those around him.

If the Kyuubi was trapped in his body in this world, then the Kyuubi couldn't escape. If the Kyuubi was not, like in the pokemon world, then that meant trouble; not only for Naruto, but forever happened to live there, too. There were some downsides, of course. He generally found it harder to utilize the Kyuubi's chakra when the beast was within his body than without, as the fox's intellect prevented him from utilizing his power without consent.

That was fine, though. The access to more power usually meant he had to fight the Kyuubi for real, as opposed to just mental sparring matches.

The Kyuubi's ears and nose twitched as Naruto approached the cage. His ears swiveled to track Naruto's footsteps, but the beast didn't open its eyes at all. "Coming to gloat?"

"No, just checking."

The Kyuubi idly used one tail to scratch his back. "Well leave. I was just enjoying a rather pleasant dream about a nice Squirtle sandwich with a garlic aioli sauce."

"Right. Sounds delicious." Naruto gave a mock salute. "Well, I'll come check on you next jump."

The fox ignored him.

Naruto pulled his mind back to the world around him. He examined the pink house again, hesitant to get any closer than he was. For whatever reason, he was starting to associate the color pink with pain. It was silly, but… He was working up his nerve to approach the house when he was distracted by the sound of voices and laughter coming from a clearing not too far from his location.

Intrigued, he took to the tree tops and headed over to investigate. He nearly fell off the tree branch when he saw a bunch of psychedelic ponies with designs on their rears prancing around the clearing. He did fall out of the tree when one of the ponies, with wings no less, started talking.

He landed in a bush with a rather loud crash and a great deal of cursing. The creatures all looked in his general direction, gathering closer as they examined the tangle of limbs trying to extricate themselves from the shrubbery.

Naruto pulled himself to his feet, only to freeze as he found himself facing a semi-circle of multi-colored ponies. A white pony with orange hair stepped forward, tossing her main slightly to one side. "Welcome to Ponyland! I'm Paradise!" She spread the wings on her back. "I'm a Pegasus pony!"

Naruto pointed a finger and yelled, "You fucking speak!"

There was a collective gasp as the ponies shied back from the wirty-dords. Some of the larger ponies tried to shield the ears of the little baby ponies in the clearing, but the damage had been done. The birds stopped singing, the grass wilted slightly, and the sun seemed to dim just slightly.

Naruto felt like he just killed a small, helpless little kitten. Maybe it was the Kyuubi's influence, but it didn't bother him as much as it should have.

The pony named Paradise shook her head sadly. "Please refrain from using that kind of language here in Ponyland, mister." She pointed her head at some of the smaller ponies. "Some of the babies aren't ready to hear that kind of talk." She paused. "Neither are the adults, truth be told."

"Sorry." He scratched the back of his head. "I was just fucking surprised. I mean… talking fucking ponies. Wow. I mean, really. What the fuck?"

Again, up went the collective gasp from the assembled ponies. Some of the smaller ones started to cry. They didn't understand what the tall kid with yellow hair was saying but it upset them greatly for some reason.

Naruto blushed as he realized what he had done. Again. "Umm… Sorry?" He looked around. "So… um… you said this was… Ponyland?"

Paradise nodded. "That's right! You're standing in Dream Valley! Did you come over the rainbow like Megan, Danny, and Molly?"

"The what? The who?" Puzzlement was clear upon his face.

"Over the rainbow! That's how we get here!" He noticed the three kids for the first time. Mentally berating himself for not paying more attention, he did a surreptitious scan of the children in question, who stood there waving at him. The tallest girl said, "I'm Megan! I'm twelve, and this is my brother, Danny. He's ten. That's my little sister, Molly! She's eight."

Naruto waved back. It was obvious they weren't fighters. The one who called herself Megan was a little taller than he was, blond with blue eyes, but wearing a hideously colored green jump suit with frilly lace around the top and a pink collared shirt underneath.

She was pretty good looking, all things considered. And the same age as him. Maybe even better looking than Sakura, and at least she didn't have pink hair. Naruto was not without hormones, after all. The one positive aspect of dimension hopping, aside from new techniques, was that he had been removed from the stress of possibly dying at anytime. The bonus was that women didn't know or care that he was a demon container, and having women look at you like a man as opposed to a bug had done a lot to kick start his interest in the opposite sex.

Plus, you can't have one of the world's greatest pornographers as a teacher and not pick up a few things. He noticed that while her overalls hid her figure, he'd traveled enough with Ero-sennnin to know that while she might keep her puppies hidden under a blanket, she'd be a hot little ticket (hotter, anyway) that he might consider redeeming if she was game.

Danny looked like a tool. He had orange hair (Naruto's respect for him went up just a notch), a light blue polo shirt with a single white band across the stomach, a pair of red shoes, jeans, and a red and white baseball cap. Naruto thought he looked like a miniature version of those guys in the last universe called "truckers," minus the huge gut.

The littlest child caused him to cringe the most. It was because she was wearing all pink. He suppressed a shudder. At least it was only her clothing, and not her hair. It was pink haired women he had to look out for. But her overalls were pink with a big red heart stitched on in the middle of on the chest. Might as well paint a target on her, he scoffed. Her blond hair was done up in pigtails. With a pink ribbon. Ugh.

"What's your name, mister?"

Naruto turned to the boy. "Danny, right?"

"That's right!"

Naruto pointed to his chest with his thumb. "I'm Naruto! I'm Konoha's number one most surprising ninja!"

His pronouncement was met with blank stares all around. "Guess you've never heard of Konoha?"

The assembled ponies and children shook their heads, confirming his statement.

"Well, what about ninjas? You've heard about ninjas, right?"

Again, everyone shook their head, except Danny. The little boy seemed puzzled. "Why would you want to be a ninja? I thought pirates were stronger."

Naruto's hand twitched towards his kunai holster, but took a deep breath and calmed down. No need for violence yet. However, what little respect Naruto might have had for his orange hair went right out the window. "Ninja's are way cooler than pirates."

"If you say so." Danny shrugged, as if he didn't believe Naruto but didn't think it worth his time to argue.

Naruto decided thathe'd make the kid's death look like an accident if he offed him.

A pony with a horn on its head approached Naruto. Her body was a dark blue, and her hair was a blend colors, focusing mainly on chartreuse and dark orange. "I'm Ribbon!" A small horse of similar color came up beside her. "And this is my daughter, Baby Ribbon! How did you get to Ponyland, Naruto?"

"I've got no idea. I was trying to get home, and I ended up here." Naruto shrugged.

"And where is home?" This time the question came from Megan.

"Not here, that's for sure. It's this place called Konoha, in Fire Country." Naruto shuffled his feet back and forth. "So, can I ask a question?"

"Sure, go ahead!"

"How come you horses can talk? I've never seen anything like it before."

This time it was the Pegasus that spoke up. Naruto thought she said her name was Paradise. "Oh, that's because we're magical ponies! All sorts of magical creatures live in Ponyland!" The horse swished her tail. "There are Earth Ponies, Pegasus Ponies (like me! she exclaimed,) Unicorns, Flutter Ponies, Baby Sea Ponies, Spike, Bushwoolies, and Grundles!"

Naruto burst out laughing. "Did you say Grundles and Bushwoolies?"

Paradise nodded. Unable to contain himself, Naruto fell to the ground, rolling back and forth as he laughed. The assembled ponies glanced at the strange boy nervously as he thrashed back and forth, unable to stop laughing about fact that grundles and bushwoolies roamed free.

He managed to calm down after a bit, though. He then began the process of learning the ponies' names. He didn't know how long he'd be here, but that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy himself while it lasted.

He found himself wondering how one of these creatures might taste. Wait, did he just think that? Fucking Kyuubi.

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to stay here, after all. But just when he thought about leaving, Megan came up to him and helped him to his feet. "We were going to play a game of hide and go seek. Would you like to play?"

Naruto grinned. "Sure. Does that mean if you hide, I can seek you out?"

"Yes!"

"Alright." He smirked. "I'm game. How do we play?"

* * *

Sorry for the short chapter. I was busy. Sue me. But, this is a set up for a slightly longer next chapter or two. Thanks to the reviewer who suggested the My Little Pony universe - pure brilliance. Pure, pure brilliance. 

muishiki


	6. Pony Land Suckxors

I don't own these characters. Again, this is pure crack, written only to entertain myself. And did I have fun. Woooo betsy.

* * *

"Ponyland sucks, Kyuubi." Naruto whined, squatting down in the sewer system of his mind. "I mean, its sooooo lame! I've only been here two days, and nothing exciting has happened."

The Kyuubi was lying on its belly, relaxing with his head on his paws. He gave a mild shrug. "I've already told you we should leave. I doubt you'll learn anything here."

Naruto nodded. "I'm not. Yeah, sure, the ponies are magical and all, but their powers are pretty lame. Making bubbles?" He scoffed. "Please."

"So what are you waiting for, then? Let's leave."

Naruto paused. "Two things, really. I wanted to run it by you first. I was just thinking, and…"

"You hurt yourself trying, right?"

"Ha ha ha." Naruto said derisively. "No."

The Kyuubi cocked his head. "The simian actually thinks? Great gods above, the apocalypse truly has come."

"Shut your trap, fur ball." Naruto scratched his privates and shifted his squat. "Anyway, as I was saying… I've been thinking about the technique we use to jump dimensions. It's cool, but I think it has a major weakness. It takes so long to get ready for it." Naruto stood up and walked around. "What happened if we jumped into a dimension where we couldn't survive long because there was no air or something? We'd be screwed."

The fox frowned. "Go on."

"Well, I thought about it – isn't there some way to make it easier to do? I mean, we use a seal and blood for the technique, right?" He pulled up his shirt. "I've already got one seal on me – you think we could make a second one just for jumping dimensions, and then all it would take is a little blood and some chakra? Do you think that would work?"

"Possibly." The swished his tails. "But you'd want to make sure you have the seal perfected first. Otherwise the problems with the technique will be permanent."

Naruto nodded. "Yeah. I've been thinking about that. What if we used shadow clones and sent a bunch of them on a head? Do you think that would work to test it out?"

"Alright, who are you and what have you done with my idiot container?"

"Funny." Naruto snorted. "I've been bored here, so I've had a lot of time to think. I mean, all these ponies want to do is play hide and go seek. It's lame. So boring."

"You mentioned a second item?"

"Oh, right!" Naruto blushed a bit. "I'm getting kind of… antsy. I heard once that foxes had the power to… um… seduce people. Could you teach me?"

The Kyuubi laughed loudly, causing Naruto to wince and cover his ears. "The monkey's getting an itch he can't scratch, huh?"

"Well, I figure between the year we spent in that Pokemon place and the other places, I'm probably about fourteen now." He flushed. "And if I'm going to be bored here, I want something to make it worthwhile."

The fox's eyes lit up. "Looking to have some monkeyshines, huh?"

Naruto nodded.

"Then listen carefully." The fox raised his head. "There are many ways to seduce a human, but they can be categorized in two different ways. The first and easiest method is simply to trick and bewitch them. You make them believe they feel something they don't, and take advantage of them while in a weakened state."

"Make them feel something they don't?" Naruto's lips pursed and he thought. "That sounds a lot like a genjustu."

The Kyuubi nodded. "It is, in a sense. Rather than messing with how they perceive reality, you alter how they perceive or feel about you. It takes a great deal of skill, but has pretty much instant payoff. But the problem is that it doesn't last very long. You have to constantly reapply the technique to avoid having it break at the wrong time. But, if you don't care or will never see the person again, it's a great solution. It has problems, of course. If you try to bewitch someone who truly hates your or is strongly in love with someone else, it will usually fail at the worst possible time."

Naruto nodded. "I can see that. And the second option?"

"The second option is infinitely harder, but much allows for a great deal more control and is much harder to break." The fox grinned. "Humans are incredibly easy to manipulate, as you have demonstrated time and time again."

Naruto let out an indignant squawk. "Hey!"

"My point exactly." It was only a matter of time until he convinced Naruto to let him out of this blasted cage. And when that happened…. The Kyuubi grinned. He was telling the blond brat exactly what he was doing and the little fool would do nothing to stop him. "To get back on subject, the second method involves making the target fall in love with you, to make them idolize you. You can basically brainwash them your target. Once you have this degree of control over someone, you don't need techniques to control or seduce someone, as they are your possession to do what you will with."

Naruto grunted. "Huh. That sounds a lot like what Zabusa did with Haku."

"Precisely. Haku was willing to die for that piece of trash because Zabusa manipulated his feelings of love. While a much more painstaking effort, the results speak for themselves."

Naruto scratched his head. "Well, I don't plan on being here too long. Maybe we can concentrate on the first method?"

"I will teach you both. There is nothing that says both can't be used together. A combination of the two can be very useful – you bewitch the target into accepting you as you lay the groundwork for a more lasting bond."

"Got it."

"The first thing you need to learn is a low level manipulation of perceptions…"

"Just fucking great," Naruto complained under his breath. "Another game of hide and go seek."

The humans and ponies were assembled in the clearing again, everyone but Naruto eager for the next round of the game.

"Okay Paradise," said Danny, "You're it this time!"

"We'll hide, and you go seek!" squeaked Baby Ribbon. Naruto fought to keep grinding his teeth. Listening to the little blue unicorn just made his hackles rise.

The white-winged Pegasus nodded and said, "Very well, but remember you unicorns, winking out is against the rules!" With that, Paradise buried covered her eyes with her hooves, and started counting. "One… two… three…"

Nartuo concentrated a bit of the fox's chakra in his right hand, just like he'd be taught. He reached out and grabbed Megan's hand and gave her a warm smile when she looked at him in shock. "Come on. I know a great place to hide!"

He pulled the girl along behind him, the chakra making her susceptible to suggestion. Looking around to make sure no one was watching, Naruto swept her into his arms and took to the three tops, hiding in the foliage.

Megan let out a small gasp as he jumped, but didn't complain otherwise. Still holding on to the girl, Naruto sat down on a thick branch and pulled the unresisting girl into his lap, throwing up a minor illusion so that a casual observer couldn't see them.

"How are you doing today, Megan?"

The girl flushed. "F…ff… fine!" She started to squirm a bit. "Shouldn't you let me go?"

Naruto shrugged. "I guess. I just don't want you to fall." Silently, he channeled a second technique the fox had shown him, making her relax a bit more. It seemed to work as some of the tension left her body.

Below them the game continued.

"Nine… Ten…" Paradise uncovered her eyes. "Ready or not, here I come!"

"Shh… don't worry. They won't find us here."

Megan bit her lip nervously. "Really?"

Naruto nodded. "I promise!" This was working great so far. He tried started molding the chakra for the third technique, this one designed to increase her level of sexual desire. "Why don't you tell me about yourself, Megan? I'd love to know where you come from."

The young girl was confused. She felt funny… like she did when she was sitting on a pony. She was keenly aware of sitting on the boy's legs, and wanted to get off of him, but at the same time wanted to stay right where she was.

The ponies were nice, but there was something really nice about the way his hand was rubbing her lower back lightly.

"I… um… come from a farm." She cleared her throat. "In America. I've got a horse named TJ and a bull named Tauro."

Narurto smiled. "It sounds real nice."

"It is." She shifted in his lap. "How did you get to Pony land, Naruto?"

He laughed softly. "Would you believe it if I told you I don't know? I went to sleep and just woke up here." He continued rubbing her back, subtly encouraging her to lean into his body with his other hand and another manipulation technique. "What about you guys? How did you get here?"

Megan pointed to a rainbow in the sky. "We come over the rainbow. When we want to come to Ponyland, we find the end and walk across."

"Wow. That sounds really neat!" Naruto's free hand began to trace small lines back and forth on her forearm, leaving trace amounts of chakra to slowly filter into her system. She seemed to shudder with each passage. "How old are you?"

"I'll be thirteen in two weeks."

"Really?"

And so they continued to talk. Naruto mainly used it as an opportunity to practice. He did have the grace to feel embarrassed about it, thinking to himself that he was as bad as his stupid perverted teacher, Jiraiya. But his nose was telling him that Megan was enjoying herself too, and every time she shifted in his lap Naruto understood a bit better why someone would turn into a pervert.

Poor Megan was just so confused. But her lower belly felt funny, and sitting on Naruto's lap made her tingly.

Of course, none of the ponies could find them. The game continued, but was interrupted when one of the baby unicorns couldn't find a place to hide and ended up using her special powers to vanish.

Paradise, the 'it' pony, complained. "Hey, no fair! Baby ribbon winked out!"

"Baby Ribbon," said her mom, Ribbon, "you know winking out is against the rules! Now wink back in this minute.

"I didn't mean too!" Baby Ribbon's voice as disembodied as only here hair came back into view, the rest of her remaining trapped between worlds.

"It's okay!" Said her mother, "Wink all the way back in so we can get on with the game."

"I'll try!" The little unicorn giggled. Even from his perch in the trees, the high pitched laugher set Naruto's teeth on edge. In his mind he could feel the Kyuubi throwing himself at the bars of his cage, gnashing his teeth and swearing a painful death to the creature.

Megan's brother, Danny, stood in the clearing looking annoyed that his game of tag was interrupted by the unicorn. "She has such trouble winking back in."

A baby Earth pony with a lisp agreed. "Com on babi Rwibbom, wanna plays smores!"

From his perch in the tree, Naruto was curious. "Megan?"

"Yes, Naruto?"

"Why do you guys play tag so much?"

"Oh." She frowned. "Well, we also explore, and play with the other magical creatures in Ponyland. Every once in a while, something bad happens and we have to fix it."

"Okay, but why tag?'

Megan shrugged and wiggled a little bit in Naruto's lap. "Ponies don't have hands. Tag is about the only game they can play, really."

"Don't you get bored?"

She blinked. "I've… never really thought of that before."

Below them, Ribbon was encouraging her spawn to wink back into existence. "Come on little one, you can do it!"

With a triumphant "I did it," the little pony finally managed to pull her head out of her ass and wink fully back into existence.

"Okay, let's start over." Said Paradise. "I'll be it again." Again she covered her eyes with her hooves, counting out loud. "One… two…"

Naruto watched in amusement as the little blue unicorn pony struggled pathetically for a place to hide. It jumped into a pool only to be forced out by the creature that lived there, then a gopher hole, and finally, settled for hiding in plain sight behind a small rock.

"Wow." He laughed as her tiny blue rump stuck up in the air from behind the rock. "She's really bad at this, isn't she?"

Megan shrugged. "She's just a baby."

A strange thought occurred to Naruto. "Are all the ponies female?"

Megan shook her head. "Oh no. Every once in a while the Big Brother Ponies will come over to Dream Valley for the night. I've never been here when they do, but the Ponies always seem so excited when they come over." She frowned. "But they don't feel like playing tag much the next day after a Brother Pony comes over. They complain that they can't run much."

Paradise quickly found the small unicorn hiding behind the rock. Like clockwork, the unicorn winked out, bringing complaints from all the assembled parties. Her mother, Ribbon, called for the small unicorn to phase back into existence, but nothing happened. They group waited, and up in the tree Naruto continued to practice his new techniques.

After some considerable time, it became clear that the little unicorn wasn't coming back. Ribbon winked out her self to go look for her, but she didn't reappear either. The assembled Pegasus, Earth, and Flutter ponies were starting to get nervous.

Meghan shifted in her seat. "I'd better go down and figure out what happened."

"Oh, okay." Naruto pulled her close and dropped down from the tree, letting her go once he stood. The blond girl walked unsteadily from Naruto, the effects of his techniques diminishing slightly as she walked away.

Before Meghan could get to the group, however, Galaxy, another unicorn, winked out and disappeared. It was agreed that they had to warn the other unicorns before they winked out too, and so the group split up to try and find the remaining ponies.

They didn't succeed. The rest of the ponies winked out before they could be found. Search parties were sent out, but there was no success. Naruto was about to make a bunch of Shadow Clones to aid in the search, but then the ponies started singing.

"Where have the unicorns gone? Where are those magical creatures now? Once upon a time they frolicked here. What could have made them disappear?"

"Oh! Hell! NO!" Naruto's snarls matched the Kyuubi's. He formed a Rasengan in his right hand almost unconsciously as the Kyuubi's angry red chakra poured out of his body in waves.

A flutter pony took up the song. "I keep looking, high and low – they're no where in the neighborhood. I search every corner that I know. I can't believe they've gone for good!"

Naruto's whiskers elongated as more of the Kyuubi's chakra leaked forth. Naruto sought every bit of that power, seeking to harness it to protect his precious belongings – his sanity and his ear drums.

The song floated over dream valley as all the ponies took it up on off key harmony. He couldn't block it out – it seemed to pierce his psyche, more painful that that when Sasuke had shoved a Chidori through his right lung.

The song continued on. "Bring back the unicorns please. Don't say they've taken their final bow… I still need a dream to dream upon. Tell me where have the unicorns gone? Oh where have the unicorns gone?"

The Kyuubi was howling for release, howling to be allowed out to wreak havoc upon these creatures that would torment him in this fashion.

And suddenly the rage passed as the song died down. The chakra receded, his whiskers shrunk, the urge to kill, maim, bite and leg hump diminished in turn.

Naruto sighed. He looked at the Rasengan in his hand. Not only was it freakin' humongous, it was the first time he'd ever been able to summon it one handed. He wished he could remember how he had formed it so effortlessly and quickly, but the rage had prevented him from remembering clearly.

He allowed the chakra spinning wildly in his hand to dissipate. But it was good to know he could do it – he'd need to work on it alone to be able to recreate it as effortlessly as he had this time.

The ponies and children assembled back at the pink Paradise Estate as night fell. Naruto was nervous entering a house made entirely out of pink, phantom pains of all the meetings with Nurse Joy and Sakura flashing through his mind.

Once in the Estate, Paradise began explaining the legend of Tembelon. It was a lost city, a city in the realm of darkness ruled by the evil Grogar who tried to conquer Ponyland over five hundred years ago. Before he was defeated, he swore to return in over 500 years ago in order to finish what he had started.

"This is awesome!" The ponies all looked at Naruto like he was crazy. "Well, it is!" he said defensively, crossing his arms. "Some big bad evil ruler type? That's my kind of fight. I'll show you all how cool ninjas can be!"

Danny opened his mouth. "But I thought pirates were…" He blinked and swallowed nervously as five shuriken embedded themselves in the wall behind his head, each taking a small lock of hair and nicking both his ears.

Naruto stood there, his right hand hovering over his shuriken pouch as he stared the younger boy in the eyes. "I know what you're thinking. 'Does he have five shuriken in that pouch or six?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being that ninjas are way cooler than pirates, and a shuriken thrown from this distance just might blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky?" Naruto's hand twitched towards his pouch. "Well, do ya, punk?"

Danny lost control of his bowels at that moment, and then collapsed in a faint. The ponies all slightly edged away from Naruto.

"Anyone else want to say something about pirates?"

Heads shook negatively all around the room.

"Good." Naruto stomped over to the wall, pulling his shuriken out and making a show of wiping the blood off them before putting them back in his pouch. "I'm going to bed. Let me know what you decide to do in the morning."

With that, Naruto stomped out of the house. He knew pink was a bad idea, and he didn't intend to spend any more time in there than necessary, regardless of whether or not he could convince Megan to allow him into her bedroom.

Slipping off to his room, he shut the door behind him, and quietly as possible, opened the window to the outside. Grabbing the window sill and pulling himself up, he exited through the window, feet first, landing in a silent crouch outside. Naruto circled the house until he found Megan's window.

He knocked gently.

Eventually, the window opened, and a confused Megan looked down at him.

"What do you want, Naruto?" Megan asked.

Channeling some chakra in the way described by the Kyuubi, Naruto began to subtly alter her perceptions. "I just want to come inside for a bit. Do you mind?"

She bit her lip nervously. "I'm not sure you are allowed…"

He gave her a goofy grin, and reaching up, patted her hand where it rest on the window sill. Minute traces of chakra entered her system with each touch. "Aww… come on! I just wanted to talk." Naruto could read the conflicting emotions on her face, and noted that her resistance weakened with each touch.

Finally, she shook her head. "Okay, you can come in." She held up a finger to stop him as he grabbed the window sill and started to climb in. "But only for a minute, okay?"

Naruto grinned. "Sure! I promise."

A minute turned into ten, then thirty, then longer. Talking turned into her first kiss, which was only one of the many firsts she experienced that night. By the time the next morning came around, Megan was more than happy to re-try some of the new "techniques" she'd learned last night. She finally passed out on her bed with a smile, giving Naruto an opportunity to slip out through the window.

* * *

The next morning it was agreed upon to send out more search parties, particularly after Megan's dream, in which the unicorn Ribbon had said the "Tambelon" before she woke up. The ponies all gather outside of the Paradise Estates to split off into groups when a storm blew up suddenly.

The group gasped as a large castle-city suddenly fell out of the clouds, landing in the field next to Paradise estate.

Naruto grinned. Finally! Something exciting!

The drawbridge to the castle opened with a resounding thud, issuing forth a host of squat, ugly creatures in armor. A donkey like creature stood off to the side, yelling, "In the name of Grogar! Capture the little ponies!"

"Run!" Megan screamed and turned to the forest.

Naruto put out a hand and stopped her. "Actually, I can take them all. But I need a favor!"

"What?"

"Can the ponies sing again?

Megan blinked at him. "Umm… we're under attack, and you want them to sing again? Are you insane?"

"Just trust me. It won't take long. Just a few bars, or something. That song about the unicorns."

"Uh… Okay?" Megan started singing, joined by the few ponies standing around. "Where have the unicorns gone…"

The effect was instantaneous. He snarled as the Kyuubi's chakra flooded his system. Not wanting to waste any time, he quickly summoned a couple thousand shadow clones, each with a fully formed Rasengan in hand.

The troggles never had a chance. Then again, neither did Grogar. Naruto was actually quite upset at how easily his opponents fell. There wasn't much left to bury, really, as the troggles were quite small and the Rasengan didn't leave much behind, anyway. Grogar had tried some weird cage technique on a couple of his shadow clones before he received three balls of pain, courtesy of the swarm of clones converging on the evil ruler.

There really hadn't been much of anything left after that, except a few fragments of horn and part of a bell. Anyway, the cage technique Grogar had used was useless. Naruto discovered a Rasengan cut through steel easily, and none of the cages had tops, so his clones could just jump right out.

Pathetic.

Speaking of pathetic…. Naruto turned to the ponies he rescued and felt let down.

Apparently, the ponies had weak stomachs. Naruto made a disgusted face as another pony vomited as it stared at a small puddle of gore and viscera that used to be a troggle. That was one of the better reactions, actually. Some of the smaller ponies had gone catatonic, not talking or reacting to anything, simply staring off into space or curling into a ball and shivering.

He scoffed. "Wimps."

The army of shadow clones cleaned up the mess, incinerating bodies where they could or using some earth and water techniques to remove the smears and stains. The unicorns were released in short order, but they weren't thankful for the rescue.

No, they wanted to call him a monster and claim that nothing ever died in Ponyland. Well, tough shit. The bad guy always comes back unless you put him down. Naruto had learned his lesson with Orochimaru and those Akatsuki guys. He was doing these blasted ponies a favor, even if they didn't recognize it for what it was.

Megan was trying to comfort the crying ponies as best she could.

Fuck this. A bit of tail wasn't worth staying around these wusses. Naruto pulled out a scroll and began the preparation for leaving. This place was lame, anyway. He hadn't learned anything really useful, anyway. Well, except that bit about seducing people. Maybe next time.

With a flash, he vanished. A hero's work was never done.

* * *

AN - edited to add a *gasp!* plot point! Not that this story really has any plot, but I've reordered some of the chapters and made a few small changes. Anything to get me writing again.


	7. Boyz in 'da Hood

Yo, dawg. I don't own any of these characters.

* * *

"Yo, dawg. Check it – dis cracker gone done passed out in our 'hood."

Naruto woke up with a boot to the ribs. At least there wasn't some pressing biological function that needed to be taken care of, but being unconscious when jumping dimensions was way worse than having a full bladder.

Naruto began a quick inventory of his status. Kyuubi was still in his cage, he felt slightly hung over, and somebody was kicking him in the ribs. He'd seen worse. Naruto sat up and opened his eyes. First thing his senses told him is that it was night, and he was in an alley between some brick buildings, and he was also surrounded by a bunch of burly looking men who were wielding various implements of violence, and looked intent to use them. He didn't mind that so much, but when he got a closer look at his aggressors he, gaped. "Wow!"

"Wow what, cracker?"

Naruto quickly flipped to his feet, adding a half twist and landing in a crouch so that he could face the one talking to him. He cocked his head as he examined the speaker a bit closer. He was dressed in baggy pants that reminded him a lot of Zabuza's multi-colored camouflage and a simple white tank top and red bandana on his head. "How'd you guys get so dark? Is that like a tattoo, or some sort of special stealth technique? That's so cool!"

"Dark!?" Naruto heard some angry mutters from the other surrounding men. "I'm a black man, mutha fucker, and you're gonna get beat down."

"Black man?" Naruto casually dodged a pipe that was swung from behind him, then leaned back to allow a length of chain whiz by his head. "What's that?"

The violence stopped for a second as the men looked at him like he was crazy. "What?"

"You ain't never seen a black man before?"

Naruto shook his head.

"Where you from, cracker?"

"Konoha."

"Is that in Connecticut?"

Naruto shrugged. "I don't know."

The leader shrugged as well. "Yeah, it don't matter none." He cracked his knuckles. "You still gonna get beat."

A few minutes of horrific violence later, Naruto sat perched a top a groaning pile of ghetto hoodlums, all moaning in pain from the various minor injuries that Naruto had inflicted on them when they attacked. Naruto, for his part, was using this as an opportunity to learn more.

"Wait, so, I don't get it. You mean you were born looking like that?"

"Yes I was born like this. Now get the hell off, me motha fucka!"

Naruto shifted his weight, bringing a bit more of his weight to bear on the man's dislocated shoulder. The man screamed.

"I just want to find out. No need to get so testy."

"Get off my fucking arm!"

Naruto sighed. "Fine, fine." He hopped off. "I'm Naruto, by the way. What's your name?"

"Dre." Said man accepted a helping hand from the orange clad ninja, who had created a couple of shadow clones to assist the others in the group as well. Dre whistled. "Damn… where'd your crew come from?"

"Excuse me?" Naruto asked.

"Your crew – you know, all your other homies. They wasn't here jus a second ago."

"Oh, them?" Naruto pointed at the clones. "There always around." Naruto went over to the more injured people and started setting bones and bandaging wounds. "What's a crew?"

"A crew is like your team, ya know? They back you up, lend strength in the areas where you ain't strong, and shit like that." Using his good arm, he pointed to the other guys the Naruto clones were helping. "This is my crew. The one over there bleeding from his mouth is Lil' John, the one you knocked out with a bat is Bubba, the twins is Yin and Yang, and then the guy nursing the broken hand is Sparkie. We're the Battle Monkeys."

"Battle Monkeys?" Naruto smiled. "That's a pretty good name."

"What's you're crew's name?"

"Name?"

"Yeah, you guys got a name?"

Naruto scratched his head. "Huh. I never really thought about it before. I guess you could call us the Uzumaki Barrage."

"The Uzumaki Barrage? Nice name." Dre winced as a Naruto clone set his shoulder back into socket and created a sling for his arm. "Why you being so nice?"

"Why shouldn't I be? I need information, and you guys can give it to me. I don't need to kill you," Naruto shrugged, "so there's no reason not to be."

Dre blanched. "You'd kill us?"

"Sure, if I had too." Naruto finished tying off the sling. "But I don't."

"But we attacked you."

"So?"

"Yeah, but…" He looked around. "Why ain't you calling the police, or running?"

"First, I don't want to give involved with the… police." Naruto rolled the unfamiliar word around his mouth. They sounded like local law enforcement, and he wanted to avoid getting tangled up with them if he could. No good ever came from it.

Dre nodded. "I can understand that. Avoiding cops is a good thing."

"Yeah. Second, you're beat, so it's not like I've got to run off." Naruto shrugged. "It was a good spar. I'd like to do it again sometime. It's been a while since I've had a good fight."

"Oh." Dre nodded at that. "I see. Cool. What was that shit you used to beat us up with, anyway?"

"I'm a ninja."

"Like, and honest to god kung-fu ninja?"

Naruto nodded. "I don't know about kung-fu, but I'm Konoha's number one most surprising ninja!"

"That's that place in Conneticut, right?"

"Sure."

Naruto's stomach rumbled, loudly. "Hey, you guys know where I can get some food?"

* * *

"Popeye's Fried Chicken." Dre proclaimed proudly. "It will kill ya if you eat it too much, but damn if it don't taste like a bit o' heaven." There where some murmurs of agreement from the rest of the Battle Monkeys.

Naruto scratched his head. "Is there any where to buy ramen?"

"What do you want to eat that shit for? That tastes like cardboard."

Naruto pointed a finger at Dre. "Talking like that about ramen will earn you another broken arm, Dre."

He held up his good arm. "Chill. I'm just foolin'." He frowned at Naruto. "You got any money?"

Naruto shook his head. "No."

"Then how you gonna pay for this shit? I'm not springin' for it, considering you're the one who's wanting to eat."

"Can you show me what money looks like here?" Naruto asked.

Dre gave him a look that said he was crazy.

"Yeah, yeah, just show me what it looks like."

With a shrug, Dre turned to his crew and they reached into their pockets, and managed to produce a bill of each denomination up to 20. Naruto took the currency and examined it closely – it was green with a portrait of some guy on the front, and a building on the back. The paper felt different than the scrolls he was used to, but he could tell it was high quality, and the ink printing was quite fine.

He infused each piece of paper with a little chakra, using it almost as a sonar device to get all the details right. With a nod, he handed the money back over to Dre and walked over to a bush, picking off a handful of leaves and clutching them in his left hand, while concentrating with his right to properly mold the chakra as required.

This was a low level technique he'd learned at the academy to copy scrolls and other items. It wasn't a particularly demanding technique as it was akin to the henge. But, because the illusion needed to last for a couple of hours, he needed to concentrate or he'd put too much chakra in and ruin the effect he was going for.

Satisfied that everything was ready, he pressed the molded chakra into the leaves and utilized the technique, transforming the leaves into a wad of bills of various denominations. He'd needed to do this in other worlds before, as money was money, and he never had any when he arrived.

The Battle Monkeys were looking at him strangely throughout all of this. So when they saw a handful of leaves transform into a wad of bills, they lost their shit.

"Holy fuck!" They crowded around, looking at the money in his hand. "How the fuck did you do that?"

Naruto shrugged, fending off the various questions. "I'll tell you later. I'm hungry now. Let's eat." Naruto marched into the store and walked up to the counter, but then realized he was unable to read the menu. This wasn't a problem, however, as the Battle Monkeys started yelling out their orders.

Soon enough, a couple of extra-large family buckets piles of side dishes, biscuits, and soft drinks were stacked on trays in front of the hungry group. The clerk rang up the total, and Naruto, with Dre's help, counted out the right amount from his wad of "cash," and the whole group slid into a couple of booths.

"Damn…" Dre reached into a bucket and pulled out a breast. "This shit is slick, yo."

Naruto nodded and reached into the bucket himself, pulling out what looked like a crumpled up paper sack that was hot, greasy, and crackly at the same time. "So, what's this called again?"

"Fried chicken. Don't tell me you ain't never had fried chicken."

Naruto shook his head.

"Fuck, man. Hurry up and eat, then. You don't know what you're missin'."

Naruto took his first bite. The outside was crunchy and greasy, the inside moist, delicious, juicy and piping hot. "Holy shit!" he muttered around his bite, blowing out air with his mouth full to avoid burning his tongue. "This is fantastic!"

Dre grinned. "Told ya."

The assemble crew watched in sick fascination as Naruto proceed to demolish two twenty piece buckets, four large side servings of mash potatoes with gravy, two of Cajun rice, and nearly twenty biscuits.

Inside his head, he could hear the Kyuubi reminiscing about how it tasted like Squirtle. Naruto shook his head. If he had known that those things had tasted so good he would have eaten them, too.

Eventually the meal wound down, and Naruto began pumping his new acquaintances for information. Apparently, not only were there black people in this world, there were all sorts of other races. That was a first for Naruto – before, everyone had looked like him, meaning their skins were fairly pale, with brown or blue eyes, and sometimes weird color hair.

"Wait, you mean people treat you differently just because you don't look like them?"

"Hells ya. Whitey's scared of the black man, always trying to keep us down."

"That's fucking stupid."

"That's racism, man. It is stupid."

Naruto thought back to his own childhood. "I guess people are scared of things that are different, and things that are different they don't understand, and what people don't understand they demonize."

"Yeah, well, what did I ever do to deserve being treated like that? Why should some lil' ol' lady fear me just because I'm black. When you treat others like that, then they treat you the same way."

Naruto nodded. "Oh, I understand being demonized all to well." He crossed his arms. "You know what? Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em right in the ear."

"Yeah, fuck 'em."

Naruto pointed at the remains of the last twenty piece. "You guys gonna eat that?"

* * *

"Oh my god, Dre! What happened?" An attractive young woman in short shorts and a halter top rushed up to the wounded man.

He shrugged, and then winced as his shoulder gave a twinge. "We got caught in a Barrage." He wrapped his good arm around her waist. "Boo, this is Naruto. He helped us out."

"Your arm!" She helped him inside the house. "How are you guys going to compete at the battle if you're all banged up like this?"

Naruto perked up. "Battle?"

"Yeah, we got a battle coming up against the blabberwalkiez next week."

"Cool!"

"Not cool. My crew's all bang up now, cause 'a you. We ain't gonna be able to dance."

"Wait – this is a dance battle?"

Dre nodded. "Yeah, we're b-boys."

"B-boys?"

"Breakdancers."

Naruto got excited. "Can you show me?"

Dre pointed at his arm. "I'm in no condition to show you, homie."

"Well, can some one else show me?"

"Lil' Jon?" Dre asked. Said b-boy nodded and stepped up. "Let's go somewhere where we can do this up right." The group led Naruto to the back of the house, where the backyard had been paved over and cardboard tapped down.

Someone turned on music, unlike anything he'd ever heard before. It was extremely fast paced, somewhere between one hundred ten to one hundred thirty-five beats a minute, extremely percussive, and an almost overwhelming base beat drove the music on.

In short, it made his blood boil.

What happened next was a revelation.

"All righ…" Lil' John took the center of the court. "To be a b-boy, you got to have a few things. Rhythm, skill, strength, imagination, and most importantly, style." He stood calmly, bobbing his head to the music. "First, you got to feel the music, feel the time. Get in tune with it."

Naruto nodded.

"Being a b-boy means you got to master the basics. First - toprockin. You can't be a b-boy if you can't toprock." Lil' Jon fell into a half crouch and started to move his feet, stepping forward with his right foot and swinging his arms and torso over his thigh, while his left foot trailed along the ground to tap with his toes behind him, before reversing the process in time with the music. "This is your basic step. From here, you freestyle."

Naruto watched in rapt attention as Lil' John started to string together an intricate string of steps, twisting his body around as he kept time with the music and used his arms for emphasis. "It's all about balance. It's about swagger, about attitude. You're heels never touch the floor –that's what gives you the funk for this. You got to listen to the beat the Dj's given you."

"Your toprock give your style. You got to master this first before you can get to footwork."

"Footwork?" Naruto asked.

"Yeah." The music changed. "Once your toprock is solid, you can go down and get down." He dropped to the floor and began a six-step. "And this is footwork." He reached down with his left hand and dropped his left leg back, wrapped his right leg behind it, dropped his right hand to the floor, and then stepped his left leg to the side, so that he was in a four point stance. His right leg went forward, extended out so that only his heel touched the ground, balanced on the ball of his left foot and right arm.

"You're making a circle, see?" And with that, he wrapped his leg around into this knee, collapsed on it, and then fell back on his fingers, and repeated it to the other side, to end up back in the push up position.

"Once you've got this, you improvise." And he moved. Naruto watched as he twisted, flared, and posed, all while keeping his feet and body moving to the beat.

"Then, from there, you go into you're power moves." He began to flare. Naruto nodded. He knew this one. He also recognized the windmill and butterfly kicks, having been taught similar moves for his taijutsu training.

"Then," said Lil' John, "you freeze." He transitioned from a windmill to a pike, balancing on one hand while inverted, his body folded on itself while his free hand touched his feet.

"From here, if you're good, you suicide." With that, Lil' John pushed himself into the air with his hand and partially flipped, taking a painful looking fall that prevented actual injury. "The more you make it look like it hurt, the better."

The music continued to pump. Lil' John got to his feet. "You've also got poppin', lockin', and liquiding." He started the Robot dance. "This is an example of poppin'. Ya gotta jerk, poppin' your body as you move." Suddenly his body seemed to lose all tension as his body flowed like water. "And this is liquid dancin'."

Suddenly he started to fling his arms wide, smiling and hamming it up. "This is lockin'. Lockin' is about getting the crowd into it, or emphasizing technique, or workin' with your partner. Ya got to let it flow."

"And when you get really angry and you want to challenge some one, you Krump!" Suddenly he was in Naruto's face, frantic, aggressive, energetic and carefree, flailing violently, challenging his personal space.

The music stopped. "You think you can handle that?"

Naruto cracked his knuckles and brought forth a couple of shadow clones. "Oh yeah."

* * *

For Naruto, the week was amazing. He had most of the skill necessary for the moves due to his stamina, martial arts training, and motor skill control. All he had to do was work on his style and rhythm, getting it to flow smoothly from one transition to the next. Tack on the extra help of practicing with his clones, and pretty soon he felt confident of his ability to rip shit up.

Not to mention, he could see how many of the dance styles would be really useful to improve his martial arts ability. Liquid? Hard to block a strike if you couldn't read the movement. Power moves? Oh yeah.

So by the time the battle came around, the Barrage was ready to go.

It's hard to lose a battle when you are committing a team that thinks exactly alike, yet has the ability to improvise on the fly, the skill and the attitude to back it up, and stamina like you wouldn't believe.

Back the skills and attitude up with a bit of chakra that made inhuman feats of agility and strength possible, and the blabberwalkiez never knew what hit them. The Uzumaki Barrage was named the best crew, hands down.

Before Naruto jumped dimensions, he treated the whole Monkey crew to another chicken dinner. He made a promise to himself – actually, a couple of promises. First, he wouldn't think the Kyuubi's tastes strange anymore. If Squirtles really tasted like fried chicken, he regretted not trying them.

Second, he had experienced as much hostility and isolation in his life as his new friends had with their own experiences based on race. He knew it was more than just the demon inside of him – bigotry, prejudice, and discrimination were scourges that needed to be whipped out, regardless of if it was his dimension or not.

Besides, he could think of a few Hyuga's and a pair of Uchiha's that needed to pull a couple of yardsticks out of their sphincters.

Except maybe Hinata. With a little backbone, she'd probably be cool. Weird, but cool.

Too bad he couldn't bring some fried chicken with him to the next place.

* * *

Okay, this chapter wasn't very funny. I was starting off writing something a little more provocative, but I was worried that it would cross the line and become offensive. You can be offensive with imaginary characters. But racism, discrimination, bigotry, and sexism are not cool, ever. Now, does that mean that I'm one hundred percent PC all the time? Fuck no. But humor used to demean another person simply by virtue of being another race, sex, or sexual preference? I'm not, and never will, be down with that.

Sure, at one point I might have done it, just like all stupid teenagers. But you know what? I grew up. What was funny at 13 isn't funny anymore, because real people are harmed. 

You can make fun of a person for being an idiot. You can't make fun of that same person just because they are a different race than you. You know someone who's a homosexual? Make fun of their personality or personal foibles, not because of sexual preference (man, that person was an idiot - he picked his nose in public).

So, there was no way for me to write this chapter without crossing the boundaries of good taste. Some of my other chapters did cross those boundaries, but those boundaries were in the realm of scatological humor, sex, and propriety. Those deserve to be demolished. But racism and bigotry still thrives in this world, and we've got to do what we can to combat it. 

Sure, I had a little fun at the beginning, but then I decided to focus on the positive aspects of a culture - the rise of b-boys, dance, music, art, and rejoicing in finding expression in an environment that oppresses. Those are reason to rejoice. Our society will never be perfect, but if we all work together on it we can work towards perfection.

Okay, I'm off my soap box.

As boring as this chapter maybe for some readers, this chapter was fun for _me._ After all, I'm writing for me, not you. What I discovered in this chapter is that, like battle scenes, it takes a lot of work to write a physical action, like dancing, in a way that translates well to the page. A ten second video clip is worth ten thousand words. 

Oh, and my little experiment has proven that writing crap pleases more of the people most of the time. However, in general, the level of feedback that I received on my other works (post rant, of course), was far more... thoughtful.

So thanks to all the reviewers. I'm looking for suggestions to improve my writing. Yes, plot devices are still welcome, but what I really want to do is get better. Pick apart my work, tell me what works, what doesn't, why, and why not. What bothers you? What did I do well? What would you change?

I find this exercise to be very useful – it keeps me in the habit of writing, doesn't take careful attention to some nebulous plot outline, and forces me to turn out something I'm stratified with in a relatively short amount of time. So, I'm going to keep it up until real life overwhelms me.

Speaking of real life, I'm off to find me some Popeye's. Love that chicken. 

muishiki


	8. Blazing Saddle Sores!

Naruto woke to find himself face down in pile of gravelly sand, heat pounding on his back. He really couldn't tell much about the landscape except that he was currently being dragged across it by his left leg by a rope around his ankle.

He had no idea how long he'd been out of it, but judging by the number of small rocks lodged in his nostrils, cuts on his face, hands, and exposed belly, it had probably been a few minutes. He tried to flip over onto his back but failed as his left leg was jerked violently, planting his face into the dirt again. He was dragged for a few more feet, but once it stopped he flipped over quickly and tried to figure out what was going on.

He blinked as he saw that his left foot was stuck in the stirrup of a saddle, and the horse wearing said saddle was glaring at him. Before he could free his foot, the horse started galloping; dragging him through the scrub, causing him considerable pain as his shirt was pulled up, and cutting up his back on the rocky ground.

"Ow! Ow! Rock! Rock! Stump! BUSH!" Naruto grunted in pain as the bush went between his legs and caught him in the crotch. The horse didn't slow, though, and pulled him through the shrubbery, much to the protestation of his genitals.

Eventually, the horse stopped running. Naruto sat up quickly, ignoring the pain and grabbing the stirrup in his hand, standing up on his leg and swinging himself into the saddle. The horse didn't let him even sit down before it started bucking, determined to throw Naruto off his back. It succeeded after a few minutes.

Naruto winced and popped his neck as he struggled to his feet, glaring at the red haired horse before him. The horse narrowed its eyes and pawed at the ground, nostrils flaring as it snorted at him, sides heaving and little bits of foam flecking the corner of its mouth.

Before the horse could react, Naruto shot forward and slugged it as hard as he could with a right cross, grinning as its head whipped around and it tumbled to the ground. Before it could react, Naruto grabbed the saddle and pulled the horse to its feet, then hopped once more into the saddle.

The horse wouldn't stand for it, of course, and began to jump and kick, trying to unseat him once again. Rather than get thrown this time, Naruto let go of the reigns with one hand and punched the horse on the top of the head as hard as he could the moment it impacted the ground.

His teeth clicked shut with the impact, and the horse whinnied fiercely and began bucking again in anger. With only one hand on the reigns, Naruto was quickly thrown and crashed to the ground.

He landed awkwardly as his ankle rolled during when he hit the ground. He stood up slowly, favoring his tender ankle, and glared at the horse. It glared right back at him, shaking its mane and snorting.

Naruto took the time to look around. Where ever he was it was damn hot. He was sweating buckets, but it evaporated before it really had a chance to cool him off. The landscape was mostly scrub brush, dry, beige with hints of red sandstone off in the distance. The sun was high overhead, burning down. He could feel his fare skin starting to crisp already.

It was a pretty desolate landscape and one that would kill him soon if he didn't find some shelter. But first, he wanted to, no _needed_ to deal with this horse. It was simply standing there, swishing its tails at him.

Wait… Tails?

"Kyuubi?"

The horse snorted.

"HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!" Naruto was so busy laughing that he left himself completely open.

Kyuubi walked up and bit him on the nipple.

"SON OF A BITCH!"

Of course, Naruto did the only thing he could. He lashed out. He'd be damned if he was going to lose a fight with a horse.

His right cross was so hard the horse's body was turned a near one hundred eighty degrees. Naruto snarled and clasped his hands in front of him, index fingers extended and pressed against each other.

"Konoha Secret Technique! One Thousand Years of Pain!" Naruto straightened his arms as quickly as jabbed his extended fingers forwards, intending to treat the Kyuubi to a taste of what Kakashi had subjected him to when he took his test to become a Genin.

Unfortunately, he forgot that horses have rather large… posteriors.

The Kyuubi's eyes widened.

Naruto's anger evaporated as he realized just where his hands were.

"Umm… Is it too late to apologize?" With a sickening squelch, he rapidly pulled his hands out of the Kyuubi's posterior, but not before the mule kick caught him in the chest, flinging him back a good ten feet, snapping a couple of ribs.

"I take it that's a yes?"

--

"Fucking fox."

The horse walking next to him just snorted.

"Why can't I ride? You're a horse, for cryin' out loud."

No answer, but the bared teeth was sufficient enough.

"Well, walking in these chaps is a pain in the ass. Let me up!"

This time the horse nipped at him. He dodged just in time so that it only got a mouthful of his outfit. He was wearing a flannel button down shirt, a ten gallon hat, a pair of chaps and jeans. He had no idea where the stuff came from, but he was covered in dust and his ass was chaffed from walking and the bushes to the crotch from being dragged earlier.

"And did you have to break my ribs like that? If I couldn't heal myself, I'd be dying right about now." Naruto swore that the horse was laughing. It sounded kind of like hyperventilation, but he knew the fox's personality well enough to know that any injury he sustained was cause for celebration.

He had no idea where he was going, so he just picked a direction and walked, pulling the recalcitrant Kyuubi along behind him. Suddenly the reigns jerked in his hand causing him to stumble slightly. He turned back to look at his 'horse,' but it was just standing there, ears twitching as it stared off to the right of where they were heading.

"What?"

Kyuubi bared his teeth, and then stamped on the ground with a hoof in direction his ears had been twitching.

"You want to go that way?"

The horse nodded. "Fine. Lead on, Kimosabi."

He dodged another bite. "Cut that out, or I'll make you a gelding as soon as we get to civilization."

--

Eventually they found the source of the sound the Kyuubi had noticed.

"What in the wide wide world of sports is an orchestra doing in the middle of the desert?"

The piano player stood up as his band wrapped up their set for the audience of Naruto and his horse. He clapped as the brass section and drums finished the set with a nice jazz improvisation.

"Thank you! I'm Count Basie that last piece you just heard was a little jazz we like to call 'April in Paris. Thank y'all for coming!"

The orchestra started to pack up as Naruto approached the stage. "Um… Can you tell me where the nearest town is?"

The piano player smiled. "Oh sure. Just follow Sheriff Bart's trail. Can't miss it." He pointed to the dust trail that was still visible in the distance.

"Thanks!"

"Might want to ride, though. It's quite a ways to Rock Ridge from here."

Naruto paused. "Uhm… I'll walk, thanks."

"Why? You've got such a fine looking steed there. Much better to ride."

"Well," Naruto admitted sheepishly, "this horse isn't really broken in yet. He's still a little skittish."

Basie cocked his head. "Really? He doesn't seem that way to me." He hopped off the stage and strolled over to the Kyuubi, set his foot in the stirrup and climbed right up. The horse simply shifted for a bit but sat still. "Nice horse you got here." He reached down and patted the Kyuubi's neck. "What's his name?"

"He doesn't have a name." Naruto gapped. "How'd you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Mount him without getting thrown off? He never lets me do it."

Basie climbed down. "I don't know. He seems mild enough to me. Nice disposition, good legs. Fine animal. Maybe he knows you're afraid of him?"

"Not bloody likely." Naruto approached the horse and climbed up into the saddle, only to immediately get throw off as the horse bucked wildly. Naruto picked himself up off the ground and snatched up his hat angrily, glaring at the Kyuubi. "See? He always does that."

"Hmm… Don't know what to tell ya." Basie scratched his head. "You sure you're a cowboy?"

"A cowboy?" asked Naruto.

"Yeah, you know, a guy who spends all day out on the range, taking care of cattle an' horses an' such. Cowboys spend their whole lives breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, fixing flats, working on range. You know, the kind of guy who's a bit reckless, under takes dangerous tasks heedlessly."

"On the range?"

"Yeap! Out here. We call it the range. You're wearing chaps and a ten-gallon hat and a flannel shirt. You look like a cowboy to me."

Naruto scratched his chin. "Well, I guess I am a cowboy. Don't know much 'bout cattle, but the rest fits me."

Naruto asked. "That way to town, right?"

"Yeap."

Naruto tried to mount the horse again but was quickly bucked off. He got up and brushed the dust of his clothes before glaring at the Kyuubi. He waved at Basie and started walking.

"Weird cowboy." The band leader shook his head. "Nice horse, though."

--

Naruto stumbled into Rock Ridge later that night. The town's streets were fairly empty. At the far end of the street, he could see a "Welcome, Sheriff!" banner hanging haphazardly from a raised platform. There weren't many lights on, but the saloon to his left was well lit and the raucous sounds of drinking spilled out into the dark streets.

He tugged on the Kyuubi's reins. "Come on. I'm thirsty." He walked to the saloon and noticed the other horses tied to the hitching post. Before the horse could react, he'd tied the nine-tailed horse to the post and headed into the saloon, enjoying the sounds of frustration emanating from his equine companion behind him.

Money tended to be a problem in these hops. So, Naruto, like any good ninja, had learned to improvise. He bent down and picked up a hand full of pebbles on near the steps of the building and put them into his pockets. As he pushed open the double doors of the saloon, he took stock of the situation.

It looked normal enough; lots of men drinking whiskey, a couple of whores plying the trade, and a whole lot of cows milling back and forth between the tables.

Naruto swaggered up to the bar but his path was blocked by a rather large and udderly endowed bovine. He clicked his teeth and gently pushed the cow out of his way, intent on bellying up to the bar.

Behind him he heard the scrape of several chairs being rapidly pushed back.

"You gonna apologize to the lady, mister?"

Naruto turned to face the three men who had stood – they stood relaxed, with their arms dangling down by their sides. But their posture belied the weak killing intent that was rolling of them.

"I only see a couple of ladies in here, and I haven't done anything to offend yet, I hope."

One man, who seemed to be the leader of this little triumvirate, spat a big filthy, tobacco juice laced wad of phlegm at Naruto's feet, splashing his boots. He sneered. "Dem's whores. The one you just pushed is a lady."

Naruto jerked his thumb at the cow who was watching the scene, placidly chewing her cud.

"Sorry. I'm a cowboy. I didn't realize." Naruto said.

The men seemed to relax a bit. "A cowboy?"

"Yeap." He beamed. "I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, fixing flats, and working on the range."

"Well, as long as you apologize to the lady, we've got no qualms with you." The three men tipped their hats and sat down, watching what Naruto would do. Naruto nodded back, unsure of what to do. So he just turned to the cow and tipped his hat with a simple, "Sorry, mam."

The cow licked its nostril.

"Good enough, I guess." With that Naruto turned to the bar. He sat down on the bar and watched the other patrons ordering drinks. Seemed his choices were either whiskey or root beer, so he ordered whiskey. He kept a careful eye out on the money that was changing hands, and by the time his drink arrived, he had a good idea of what it should look like. Reaching into his pocket, he used a simple henge to turn one of the pebbles into a good copy of the coin he'd seen, handing it to the bartender.

The bartender gave it a cursory glance and placed his drink down, along with some change. Naruto nursed his drink for a while, until one of the whores in the bar came up to him. She wasn't bad looking. She noticed him checking her out, and sat down next to him.

"You a cowboy?" She asked.

"You a whore?" he shot back.

She shrugged. "Only part time. But I asked first. You a cowboy?"

Naruto nodded. "Yeap. Spent my whole life on the range, takin' care of cattle, breaking horses, fixin' fences… you know, cowboy stuff." He downed his drink. "What about you? You said you were only a part time whore."

She nodded. "Yeah, part time whore, full time lesbian."

"Lesbian?" Naruto rolled the unfamiliar word over his tongue. "What's a lesbian?"

She said, "Well, being a lesbian means I like women. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. I think about women when I shower. When I'm eating, I think about women. I even think about women when I'm whoring. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. Naruto bought her a drink and eventually she drifted away, but he kept a careful eye on her.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the Naruto and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, ten minutes ago I thought I was, but now I'm not so sure."

--

He stumbled out of the saloon much later that evening, more than a little drunk. That was always one negative aspect of having the Kyuubi housed outside of his body. His tolerance seemed to suffer a bit.

Said demon was staring at him as he stumbled down the steps, pissed about having been left tied to a hitching post for most of the night. Ignoring the horse, he untied the reins and hopped on its back, only to get thrown to the ground for his efforts.

Drunk enough not to care, he kept trying to ride the Kyuubi, and it kept throwing him off. The battle continued for hours, till finally the sun was up past the horizon and the town stirred.

Naruto paused. Either the last time he got thrown he must have been knocked silly, or the ground was rumbling. He looked down the street to see the largest man he'd ever seen in his life dismount from a team of oxen. The man walked down the street, and Naruto's jaw dropped as the man lashed out at a horse and rider with a vicious right hook, hitting the horse hard enough that the whiplash sent the rider into unconsciousness.

Pulling Kyuubi behind him, he ran up to the man.

"Hey mister!"

The behemoth turn. "Wha joo want? Mongo… busy! Mongo… must find Sheriff!"

Naruto tipped his hat back. "Well, I just notice that was a hell of a punch you threw there." He pointed at the still stunned horse and equally stunned rider sprawled out on the street. "Could you do me a favor and hit this horse for me?"

"You want Mongo hit horse?"

"Yeap!"

"Okay. Then Mongo look for Sheriff."

"Fine by me."

Mongo reared back, but with Naruto's grip on the reins, Kyuubi didn't have a chance. The horse was flattened.

"Thanks!" Naruto cheerfully straddled the horse, not caring that it was unconscious and on the ground. He just wanted to be able to ride the beast without getting bucked off. "Good luck looking for the Sheriff, Mongo."

--

A couple of hours later, Naruto heard an explosion. Curious, and frankly, a bit bored (the Kyuubi hadn't regained conscious yet), he went to check it out.

Mongo was sprawled out near the saloon, his clock cleaned by what ever made that noise. A black man in a suede leisure suit and a skinny white man in more traditional cowboy garb were busy tying Mongo's ankles to a two hitch team so they could drag him to a jail.

"Need help?"

"Sure." Bart straightened. "You a cowboy?"

Naruto shook his head. "I don't know. I think I'm a lesbian."

The two looked at him for a bit and shrugged. In short order they had Mongo chained up in the prison. The next couple of weeks passed in a haze. Mostly that was because of the copious amounts of ganja Bart seemed to consume. But at least he shared. The Waco Kid introduced Naruto to fire arms. While firearms were not as useful as most ninja techniques they were really fun to play with and made a satisfying bang when used.

Plus the range and speed couldn't be beat. If techniques had a failing, it was that they were often flashy, conspicuous to use, and required a build up of chakra, which always was noticeable. Something like a pistol required no preparation and no chakra to use, so in the right circumstance could be very deadly. When evaluated against a kunai, it was down right awesome.

And pot wasn't really that useful, but it sure made for some interesting times. He wondered if he feeding some to Sasuke would help him unclench his sphincter a bit. However, Naruto promptly forgot about that idea in the morning.

One thing that happened when he smoked was he had this huge craving for Ramen. It'd been a while since he had any, and beef jerky and hard tack were starting to get old. The other up side was hot boxing the Kyuubi. It took about a kilo of Aloha gold, but in the end, the Kyuubi was so stoned he even permitted Naruto to ride him.

Of course, the horse kept bumping into things, but hey, Naruto was willing to take what he could get.

After one particularly long night of festivities, the _craving_ came. He wanted, no, he _needed_ ramen. He recognized the symptoms. Ramen withdrawal. So, as fun as this place was, after a while Naruto felt it was time to move on. With a hearty hand shake and laurel, he said goodbye to Bart and rode west into the sunset.

Too bad nobody told him he'd get burnt doing that.

So they dragged him back to town and cursed him for being an idiot, ("Who tries to ride off into the sunset, anyway?") while he received some medical treatment.

He was still jonesing for some Ramen. This time, angling just south of true west, he managed to ride out of town, if not into the sunset, at least very close to it.

--

Bart and Waco Kid waved as they watch Naruto ride off into the distance.

"Weird kid." Said the sheriff.

"Yeah, but he had a nice horse."

"Sho 'nuff."

Silence stretched. "So, do you really believe that kid was a lesbian?"

"If he was, then I'm one too."

--

Haven't updated in a while - haven't felt stressed enough to need the outlet that writing provides. Who am I kidding? I've been too busy. But you'll notice I've been very productive lately, churning out a few new stories and a chapter for this. I don't know how funny this chapter is, or how much fun it is to read, but at least I wrote something, right?

Next time - who knows where Naruto will end up! As always, reviews, comments, criticism, and suggestions welcome. I enjoy answering smart comments and try my best to do so.

However, I tend not to respond to "awesum chappie!!111!!1! LOL."

Let the fun begin!


	9. Yeats is Rolling in his Grave

_Italics are for Naruto's internal monologue. _**Bold is for the Kyuubi. **This one's a freebe. And no, this isn't a cross with any universe you might know. It just happened, okay?

--

Naruto blinked rapidly as the spotlights shone in his eyes. He had no idea where he was, but it was hot, bright, and… full of people?

He looked around from where he was seated, trying to make sense of what was going on around him. A quick internal scan revealed that the Kyuubi was safely locked in his cage – no external fur balls to worry about, at least. He was seated on a rather basic chair, made from a hard shiny substance he'd come to learn was called plastic. In front of him was a vast sea of people, all seated facing him in a cavernous hall. Due to the lights facing him, he couldn't see the back of the hall, but he had the impression that it housed thousands of people. He could hear the gentle murmur of conversations, shifting bodies, and breathing from the crowd.

Okay, so he was on a stage.

But that still didn't answer his most pressing question- what the hell was going on? Next to him sat a rather dapper looking gentleman who probably needed to add some prunes to his diet, judging from the pinched look on his face and upright posture. He was wearing a neatly pressed navy suit. It was not flashy, but of obviously good quality. His black hair was just tinged with grey at the temples; this his wire rim glasses only added to the impression that this was a man of considerable mental fortitude and wit.

Needless to say, Naruto looked like a brown bag full of dog shit in comparison. His hair was a mess, his face was dirty, and his orange tee-shirt and checkered pants certainly wouldn't win any fashion contests.

Naruto leaned over. "'scuse me?"

The man arched an eyebrow and looked over at Naruto. "Yes?"

"Um..." Naruto pointed out at the crowd. "What's going on?"

The man's expression didn't change much, but Naruto could tell that was the wrong thing to say. With a sniff, the man turned his nose up and away, preferring to concentrate on the crowd. Seeing that he wasn't going to get a response from the gentleman, he turned his attention inwards.

_Yo Kyuubi! Any idea what's going on? _

**None. But your friend over there is radiating a large amount of contempt. **

_How can you tell? _

**I can smell it. **

Naruto frowned. The mental thought train was derailed, however, when the noise of the crowd suddenly swelled. He turned in his seat to watch a tuxedo clad man and a voluptuous redheaded woman walk arm and arm from the wings on stage right towards the center of the stage.

"Welcome," boomed the man's voice, "to the final round of the National Poetry Contest!"

_POETRY? _Naruto's panic was echoed by the sense of shock radiating from the Kyuubi.

The woman cut in. "We've arrived at last at our two final contestants!" She took her time to open a cream colored envelope in her left hand. "Our first contestant, poet-laureate, winner of the Hugo, Nebulae, and Pulitzer prizes for fiction, poetry, and prose, Yale University graduate and national treasure, not to mention the five-time consecutive champion of the National Poetry Contest, Mr. Whipple Spaulding Newell III."

The crowd roared its approval.

Naruto's thoughts mirrored the Kyuubi's. _Fuck!_

The man gently took the letter from his co-host and pulled out a second card. "Our second finalist appeared quite literally, in a flash of smoke and fire! First time contestant, but he's certainly been living up to his self-applied moniker – 'Konoha's number one most surprising person!' He's had no formal education, claims that this is the first time he's ever tried poetry-that he can remember, that is!-and has a fashion sense to make your eyeballs bleed! A warm welcome for Mr. Uzumaki Naruto!"

Naruto gaped as the crowd began to show their approval by vigorously… snapping.

_Are you serious? _

The Kyuubi's thoughts interrupted. **I don't know, but a poetry contest? I'd rather be sealed inside a numskull for all eternity. Oh wait, I am. ** Naruto felt the Kyuubi sigh. It was kind of like having gas, because his stomach became bloated and then relaxed as the pressure was relieved. **I'm convinced that this is hell. I couldn't imagine anything worse. **

_You could be on stage with me. _

The Kyuubi paused. ** Okay, so it could get worse. But this is still pretty bad. **

_As bad as Ponyland? _

**Worse. Even worse than being stuck as a horse. Which reminds me, as soon as I get free of you again I'm going to pay you back in spades for every indignity you forced upon me. **

_You know you liked it, furball. _

**Monkey. **

The two continued to trade insults at each other until the master and mistress of ceremonies pulled yet a third card out of the envelope. The man looked at the card briefly before turning back to the crowd. "Tonight's final word!" he said, holding the card aloft. "After I read the word, each contestant will have two minutes to compose a poem four lines in length. The word I read must be the central theme of the poem, but rhythm, meter, and the composition I leave to your imaginations!"

The woman took the card from her co-host. "However, to be fair, we need to determine who will go first!" She pulled a small coin out of the envelope and showed it to the contestants. "Heads," she said, showing the face of the coin that contained a portrait of a long dead white guy, "and tails." She flipped the coin over, showing the back side. "Who would like to call it?"

Naruto jerked his head in the direction of Mr. Whipple Spaulding Newell III. "I recon I'll let him call it, seein' how he's the favorite round these parts."

**Why the hell are you talking like that? **

_I have no idea. It just sounded right. _

Mr. Whipple Spaulding Newell III nodded graciously. "I call heads."

The hostess flipped the coin and allowed it to land on the stage. When it stopped spinning, she bent over to pick it up.

_Nice. No panty lines. _

"Heads it is! Mr. Whipple Spaulding Newell III, would you prefer to go first or last?"

Mr. Whipple Spaulding Newell III, stood and spoke. Like the rest of him, his voice was smooth and cultured, a deep rich baritone (with overtones of chocolate and strawberries and just a hint of oak). "Can I hear the word first?"

The co-host shook her head. "No, unfortunately, you must decide without that knowledge."

"Very well." Mr. Whipple Spaulding Newell III strode to the center of the state. "I will go first."

_Well,_ though Naruto, _let's show them why I'm Konoha's most surprising ninja. _

Mr. Whipple Spaulding Newell III stood expectantly as the announcer opened the card and read the word.

"And the word is: Timbuktu! You have two minutes."

Mr. Whipple Spaulding Newell III nodded solemnly, his face showing his deep concentration as a digital counter ticked off the seconds.

Naruto watched in terror as the seconds went by. _Shit, Kyuubi! What am I going to say?_

**Just be yourself. **

_You mean rude, obnoxious, and stubborn?_

**You said it, not me. **

By that time the two minutes had expired. Mr. Whipple Spaulding Newell III walked to the microphone and recited his poem, his smooth voice carrying over the crowd as he wove his magic spell. You could almost see the setting of his poem, feel the burning heat and the smell of the camels as he said,

"Slowly across the desert sand  
Trekked a lonely caravan  
Men on camels, two by two  
Destination - Timbuktu."

The crowd went wild, snapping fingers and bobbing heads like crazy. The vast majority were convinced that Naruto wouldn't have a chance of topping that.

Unfortunately, Naruto agreed. So, he decided to make his best showing. He calmly walked to the microphone stand, and after fiddling with the apparatus for a few seconds to adjust it to the proper height, recited the first thing that came to his mind.

"Me and Tim a huntin' went  
Met three whores in a pop-up tent  
They was three, and we was two  
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."

A stunned silence greeted him as his last words floated across the audience.

_Well, it was worth a try, _though Naruto with a shrug. _Let's get out of here._

**I'm with you on that one. **

As Naruto turned to walk of the stage and find a private place to perform his Dimension Hopping Jutsu (patent pending), he was suddenly grabbed from behind by the MC.

"Where you going, Naruto?"

"I lost, didn't I?"

"Are you kidding?" The MC spun him around so he could look at the crowd. They were on their feet, clapping and whistling.

Stunned, Naruto walked back to center stage and shook hands with a flabbergasted Mr. Whipple Spaulding Newell III.

_Well_, he thought, _maybe poetry isn't all that terrible. _

--

I was inspired by a tentacle monster named Tim.

Honestly, I don't know where this came from. I just sort of got the idea from a joke a friend told me, and bam…

Not much in the way of plot development in this one, but isn't that what this story is for? Just a place to put all the random ideas that come to me when I get stressed. Creativity is my outlet for stress. When I'm not writing, it is because I'm generally happy and coping. So this recent spat of productivity should tell you something.

It will taper off in a few weeks. Until then, who knows what will happen? Yes, I have grand plans to take Naruto to all sorts of wild and crazy places, and at the same time actually start writing a plot that has some sort of purpose, but I'm happy right now.

If you want more zaniness, check out Harry Potter and the Quest for the Holy Tail. It's by some guy named Muishiki. I had a good time reading it.


	10. Interlude: Abura Jigoku

"Go get help, Lassie!"

Mean while, back at the ranch...

--

"So how exactly did you lose Naruto, Jiraiya?" It was the Hokage's dead-pan delivery that convinced Jiraiya that he was going to die. She was calmly sitting behind her desk, watching him sweat. Her face betrayed no emotion. She was the world's worst liar, so he knew she was serious this time.

Well, there were a couple of other indicators, too. First had been that Tsunade had sent not one, not two, but a full thirteen hunter-ninja teams out to track him down. It was strangely flattering, but at the same time, a reflection on the magnitude of his fuck up. Second, he was currently wearing little but his headband and a loincloth and was currently tied down to a chair of Ibiki's design. Had he not been sitting in it, he might have admired the ingenious nature. It was a simple wooden chair, much like you might find at any farm house.

The particularly gruesome detail was that nails had been driven through each wooden surface, pointy side up. At least two inches of nail protruded, each point having been filed to a rather sharp tip. He knew, because he was currently experiencing each sharp point as the weigh of gravity slowly impaled him on the points. In order to prevent a rather nasty appointment with the acupuncture chair from hell, Jiraiya was forced to let a constant low level supply of chakra reinforce the durability of his skin so he wouldn't become a human pin cushion.

And there was the particular nasty part about this chair. Sure, he could reinforce his skin to make it as tough as stone. But that was dependant upon his chakra supply. It was like standing on water. But instead of being able to concentrate on only his feet and save energy, he had to expend chakra from his entire body. No matter how good your chakra control was, expending even a thin layer of chakra over your entire surface area was incredibly draining. Unless you were Naruto, eventually even a relatively simply task like this would become a formidable challenge after only a very short time.

He'd already been strapped to the chair now for about three hours.

The strain of keeping himself intact was becoming incredible, and Tsunade hadn't even bothered to ask him any questions yet. Instead, she just turned him immediately over to Ibiki and sat behind her desk, writing letters and calmly ignoring him. Konoha's chief interrogator asked what the Hokage wished to know. Her reply was she didn't want to know anything; she just wanted him to suffer.

The other thing that convinced him he was going to die was that in addition to Tsunade, Shizune, Sakura, Kakashi, Hinata, Ibiki, and Anko were all in the room, watching Jiraiya sweat as he struggled to avoid showing the assembled ninja's his impression of an inverse porcupine.

A drop of sweat ran down his forehead and dripped off his nose, joining the steady stream of perspiration that was dripping off his hands bound behind him. Things were going to start getting ugly pretty soon.

Jiraiya prayed to whatever gods looked after perverted old men like him. "Now Tsunade, it isn't what you think!"

"Tell me how it isn't like I think, Jiraiya." She held up her hand, cutting off any interruption. "Let's examine the facts, shall we?"

"Now, Tsunade. It sounds a lot worse than it really is…"

"One." She continued on, as if she didn't hear him. "You claim he asked you about summoning techniques, and then he vanished. Two, even though he vanished nearly three years ago, and you never tried to find him or notify me that he was missing. Three, when summoned to return to Konoha nearly six months ago, you failed to respond or provide a reason as to why you couldn't return."

Okay, so that did sound bad. "But at least he's safe from the Akatsuki!"

Oops. Wrong thing to say, Jiraiya mentally cursed to himself. If he thought Tsunade's face was grim before, reminding her about the shadowy organization that threatened Konoha's existence was most definitely a bad move.

Tsunade turned to the ninja in the room. "Who wants first shot at him?"

Immediately, every hand in the room shot up.

"Looks like Hinata was first." Tsunade said calmly. The lavender eyed kunoichi walked calmly in front of the chair, looking down at the terrified Toad Sannin. Very calmly, she reached forward and touched his left knee.

He realized with a great deal of horror she just shut down his tenketsu below the knee. But she did not shut down the nerves. He bit back and oath as his left calf and foot began to slowly sink into the nails, breaking the skin and slowly forcing their way deeper into the muscles.

Hinata moved to touch his right knee but was prevented by Sakura. "That's enough, Hinata. We don't want to kill him just yet." She said.

Hinata nodded and smiled sweetly at the Jiraiya. Before she turned to go, she patted him-hard- on the left shin, driving the nails home. There was very little blood, considering that the puncture wounds were still plugged by the nails.

Okay. He'd been through a lot of painful experiences in his life, but god damn fuck shit that hurt.

"Who's next?" Again the hands shot up. "I'm sorry, Hinata, you can't go twice in a row." The Hyuuga girl pouted. "Okay," said Tsunade, "you can go next, Sakura."

Sakura's smile was truly beautiful. It struck fear into Jiraiya's heart, knowing that she would enjoy what she was about to do. Weary already from the chakra expenditure and in a great deal of pain from Hinata's 'turn,' Jiraiya wasn't ready for Sakura to pull the impaled calf off the nails and heal it.

The cessation of pain almost made him weep with relief. So when Sakura rammed the same leg back down onto the nails again, he couldn't help it. He broke down, weeping piteously.

Ibiki nodded his approval. "That was masterfully done, Sakura."

The pink hair girl smiled. "Thank you!"

"Okay, who's next?" Tsunade asked, her voice quite cheerful.

"Please!" Jiraiya blubbered, "Please stop! Naruto's okay! I can prove it."

Tsunade's voice was sharp. "How?"

"The toads! The toads still are in touch with him. Naruto has a contract with them as well. We can pass messages back and forth with toads!"

Tsunade frowned, and then nodded to Anko. Anko stepped forward and delivered a withering left hook to the left side of Jiraiya's face, sending him and the chair toppling over and crashing to the floor. His head bounced hard, but at least he was getting blessed relief from the nails.

He felt the bindings of his hands being cut free, and then he was roughly hauled to his feet by Kakashi and Ibiki. They conveniently forgot that his left leg was still impaled on the nails so the abrupt motion was accompanied by a rather sick tearing sound, much like wet velcro.

"Summon a toad, Jiraiya. No tricks." Commanded Tsunade.

He nodded fervently. "I'll need the contract scroll."

Tsunade gave brief nod to Kakashi, who disappeared in a swirl of leaves. He returned only moments later, the scroll in his hand. He handed it over to Jiraiya. Weak with exhaustion and blood loss, he collapsed on the floor. He quickly unrolled the scroll, and dipping his thumb into the blood pooling below his leg, poured the last of his chakra into summoning.

The toad popped into existence on the top of Tsunade's desk. It wasn't much larger than a dog, but at least it could speak. "Yo, what's up… Jiraiya? What the hell happened to you?"

The old pervert shook his head. "Quickly! You've got to tell them about Naruto!"

The toad looked around at the assembled ninja and gulped. "Ah… Naruto? Really?"

Tsunade calmly reached forward and grabbed the toad by the throat, pulling it forward until they were face to face. "Answer my questions. Is the boy alive?"

The toad nodded frantically. There was a sigh of relief from most of the occupants in the room as some of the tension eased.

"Is he doing okay?" Hinata asked. "Is he injured? Hurt?"

The toad shook its head.

"Good." Tsunade squeezed a little harder. "How do we get him back?"

It opened its mouth to say something, but with its vocal cords constricted from the vice grip Tsunade had, it could only make croaking sounds. Rather appropriate for a toad.

Tsunade realized she wouldn't get anywhere strangling a summons and so released it. The toad sang back on the desktop, rubbing its neck gingerly and wincing.

"So," Tsunade said, much more calmly than she felt, "how do we get him back?"

The toad shrugged. "I don't know. I don't think you can."

The room suddenly grew colder as the amount of killing intent in the room exploded. The toad hastily threw up his hands. "What I mean is, you can't bring him back – he's got to bring himself back!"

"What do you mean?" asked Kakashi.

"Well," said the toad, "It's not like he has a summoning contract with anyone, right? So you can't exactly summon him to this dimension."

Kakashi nodded. "But if he had a contract?"

The toad shrugged. "But he'd have to give it to you, and if he's in some other dimension, I don't see that happening."

Tsunade spoke up. "Could you get it from him and give it to us?"

The toad rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I'm not sure, but maybe. But until he summons one of us again, we won't have the opportunity to do it. Plus, he doesn't know how to make contracts, so it could be a long time before it's ready."

All eyes turned to the unconscious pervert on the floor. Tsunade's nose wrinkled in disgust as she realized she'd have to keep him around a bit longer.

--

Jiraiya muttered darkly as he limped out of the hospital, supporting his weight on crutches. Okay, so maybe he had messed up, but Tsunade went a bit overboard this time. First things first, though. He needed some sake.

He hobbled over to the red-light district and went into the first bar he could find. He had some serious drinking-and thinking-to do. The first bottle of sake went down quickly to take the edge off the pain. Tsunade had told the hospital he was to receive no anesthetic for his pain, and no treatment besides bandages to prevent infection.

He was halfway through his second bottle when Hinata slid into the seat across from him. The years away had been good to her. She was a veritable hottie now.

"What do you want?" He took a long pull on his bottle, not even bothering with the cups at this point.

"I want you to summon a toad for me." She said.

Interesting. She wasn't as shy as she used to be. "Why should I? I'm still in pain from what you did."

"Because," she said, "If you don't, I'm going to make what I did earlier seem like child's play. You lost Naruto, and I'm pissed."

Jiraiya smirked. "So that's the way it is huh? Missing your boyfriend?" Next thing he knew, he was picking shards of pottery out of his hair from the remnants of the sake bottle Hinata crushed over his hair. Scary. He hadn't even seen her move.

"Tsunade's forbidden us to kill you until we get Naruto back, but she said nothing about causing you pain." Her eyes narrowed. "Are you going to summon a toad, or what?"

With a sigh, Jiraiya pulled out the contract and summoned a smaller toad. "What's up, Jiraiya?"

He pointed at the kunoichi across the table. The toad turned and waved. "Hi!"

Hinata leaned forward so that she was face to face with the small toad. "How are you? I'm Hinata. Can you make sure this gets to Naruto, please?" She handed him a small scroll, which the toad took and tucked under an arm.

"Okay! Anything else?" It asked.

Hinata blushed a bit. "Yes… is he doing okay? Is he lonely?"

The toad cocked its head as it thought. "Well, I guess he must be lonely, considering all the women he's been through…"

Hinata's expression darkened. "What do you mean?"

"Well," said the toad, "First there was Jill, then Mary. Oh, and Mehgan, Austin, Veronica, Jessica, Nao, Chi Ho, Mai Lin, Fatouma…"

Hinata's expression turned stony as the toad rattled off the names of the women he knew about. Jiraiya gulped as the veins near her eyes began to bulge as she activated her family's bloodline.

The toad was still rattling off names when Jiraiya heard the dreaded words, "Gentle Fist Style: Eight Trigrams 128 Palms!"

His world exploded in pain.

--

He came too much, much later, thrown atop a trash heap behind a seedy hotel somewhere deep in the red-light district. His entire body was a mass of pain and bruises, his chakra coils badly abused by Hinata.

He mentally made a note to himself to shut the next toad up before he could get into anymore trouble. He rolled off the trash heap and crawled to the nearest wall, using it to brace himself as he slowly staggered to his feet.

"Ah, Jiraiya. There you are." He turned his head to see Kakashi slouching against the entrance of the alley.

"Hey, Kakashi." Pushing off from the wall, he staggered out to meet him, greatly favoring the leg that had been impaled on Ibiki's chair. "What brings you here?"

"I was worried." He shrugged. "I heard what Hinata did."

Jiraiya was touched. "Thank you."

Kakashi waved his concern away with a dismissive gesture. "No worries? How about we get you cleaned up and then visit a few willing folks in the pleasure quarter?"

Jiraiya grinned. Maybe this would turn out so bad, after all. "Yeah, that sounds like just what the doctor ordered."

--

After a much needed bath, the Toad Sannin felt better. His chakra system was still screwed up from Hinata's Gentle Fist attacks, but at least he no longer smelled like a trash heap. Kakashi walked slowly so the injured man could keep up.

"Where are we going?" He looked around, not familiar with this part of the red-light district.

"It's not much farther. You'll like this place, I promise." Kakashi stopped and pointed out a small sign in a dark alley off to the side. "Ah, here we are!" With that, the copycat ninja ducked into the alley and stepped into the shop. Jiraiya followed him eagerly. He stepped inside in time to hear Kakashi saying, "and I want you to take care of him. Make sure you keep him here all night." The copycat ninja slapped a large pile of Ryo on the counter.

Jiraiya smiled. "Thanks, Kakashi!"

Kakashi nodded. "No worries. I've paid for four ladies for the next twelve hours. You get to pick. The Madame will help you. Have fun!" With that, Kakashi left to a room of his own, his arm around a stunning blond.

The Madame asked him to follow her, leading him to a well appointed room lined with couches and beds. She led him to a couch and helped him recline. Jiraiya licked his lips a line of lovely ladies marched in. It was tough, but soon he had narrowed his choices down to four ladies, and the rest filed out. The Madame locked the door behind her, leaving Jiraiya completely alone in the room.

The ladies worked their way over to the couch, their loose robes showing tantalizing hints of cleavage. "Let's get you undressed," one of them purred silkily.

This was going to be great. As fast as he could, Jiraiya shucked his garments and stood up proudly before them. "Now that I've shown you mine, you've got to show me yours!"

His anticipation quickly turned to horror as the "ladies" shucked their garments. Where he expected to find the gates of heaven instead protruded the keys to hell. He licked his lips nervously.

"You're all…" he could barely even say the word. "Transvestites?"

They nodded happily. "And we've got you all to ourselves for the next twelve hours."

Jiraiya's screams were quickly muffled as the "ladies" did what they were paid for.

--

Kakashi nodded in approval as he saw a thoroughly traumatized Jiraiya scrubbing himself furiously at the local bath house while brushing his teeth at the same time. No matter how much he scrubbed, Kakashi knew the perverted geezer would never feel clean again.

Next to him, Hinata, Tsunade, Anko, Sakura and Ibiki were smiling. Ibiki in particular had a nasty grin on his face. "Kakashi," he said, "I do believe you missed your calling as psychological operations specialist."

"Thanks." He nodded at Hinata. "It never would have been possible without Hinata's help, though."

The girl blushed. "The pleasure was all mine."

Tsunade cracked her knuckles. "We're going to make his life hell until Naruto comes back."

The six nodded in agreement. This was going to be fun.

--

Sorry this chapter isn't really funny, but this was sort of a plot development chapter, if this story can be said to have one. There needs to be some sort of connection besides randomness, even though the randomness is quite entertaining.

Thanks for the various reviews. Keep them coming! The ideas you provide maybe worked into later chapters.


	11. Vice City

I don't own these characters.

* * *

"I don't feel so good...." Naruto fell to his rump and put his head between his knees, hoping that the world would stop spinning shortly. It didn't. His stomach lost the battle, and he fell to his left side and emptied his last meal onto the hard ground. With a groan, he rolled onto his back and stared up at the spinning sky.

"Where the hell am I now?" Naruto's latest modification left him severely disorientated and nauseous. This was not good. He'd solved the bladder problem, but he was so dizzy he couldn't see straight. Luckily, this change wasn't permanent. Naruto had come upon the brilliant idea of doing future modifications in fresh blood (his), so that if the modification wasn't what he wanted, he could just wipe it off and try again. This one was definitely in the try again category.

After a while, the world stopped spinning and he was able to get his stomach back under control. He took in his surroundings. It looked like a small park in a city, surrounded by three and four story stone and brick buildings. Metal stair cases hung off the sides of the buildings; people were hanging out of windows, smoking, yelling down at the street, or simply playing music as loud as they could. Cars whizzed by at the edge of the park, and loud beeps and honks filled the air. It positively hummed with was nothing like he'd seen before - as far as his eye could see it was nothing but buildings after row of buildings. Excited and feeling hungry, Naruto decided it was time to go exploring.

First thing he needed was some food. The park was fairly large, but there wasn't much game besides the occasional squirrel. It took a bit of time, but in one of the quieter corners of the park he he found a large, yellow bird sitting in a nest on the ground behind one of the brown stone buildings. Smiling at his good fortune, he pulled out a kunai and took careful aim. His aim was true; the bird never saw it coming, and the weapon took it in the eye. It slumped over, instantly dead.

Whistling, Naruto walked over to the nest and grabbed his meal by the neck and pulled. Damn, this thing was bigger than it looked. Thing had to be at least eight feet tall. The weight didn't bother him, but this much meat would make a huge mess. Pulling the carcass a little further into the park, he found a small shaded grove away from prying eyes and started to butcher. It took him a while, since this thing had an anatomy unlike any other bird he'd ever seen, but eventually he had a good selection of cuts and a couple of drum sticks ready for roasting.

A quick kage bunshin made enough bodies to gather dead wood from the park, and within a few minutes a nice fire was going. Once the coals were red and glowing and the fire nicely banked, he started cooking. Maybe it was the smell, but within minutes of putting the first slab of meat on the fire, a rather unkempt looking... man - at least, that's what Naruto thought he was - wandered into the clearing. He was blue, had no nose, and looked like he had yarn for hair. He was dressed in rags and smelled like unwashed bodies and urine.

He immediately approached Naruto and stuck out his hand.

"Help the homeless?"

Naruto was puzzled. "What help do you need?"

"Give me a quarter? Right here in my hat! Helping others brings you closer to God."

Naruto had no idea what that was. A quarter of what? "Sorry. I don't have a quarter."

"What about a dollar, then?"

Naruto shook his head.

"How about some of what every you're cooking, then? I'm hungry."

What the hell. He had more than he could eat, anyway.

=-=-=

Somehow, Naruto's new friend, Nikki, ended up inviting all the bums in the neighborhood. That turned out to be quite a lot of people. What started as a simple BBQ turned into a full-fledged block party that was going strong until the local law enforcement showed up. He was wearing a blue uniform with a shiny shield pinned to his chest, a rather large gut, and some sort of weapons belt strapped under his considerable girth.

"Who's the organizer of this shindig?"

Nikki pointed at Naruto.

The cop approached. "You got a permit for this party?"

Naruto shook his head. "What does this permit look like, Officer..." Naruto looked at his name plate quickly, "Krupke?"

"Why you little... You want me to run you in?"

Naruto shook his head fervently. "Indeed not, sir!" He offered the officer a freshly cooked drum stick. "Something to eat?"

The officer took the drumstick and sniffed it. He took a bite. "Hey... that's pretty good. But I don't want you's hanging around here, got it? Clean up and get out a here. When I come back, I don't want you around, got it?"

Naruto nodded. "Got it!"

The officer turned to go - "Hey, anyone seen a Big Bird around here? 'Bout eight feet tall, bright yellow? He was reported missing a couple of hours ago."

Naruto shook his head. "No sir. Haven't seen a thing that matches that description."

Officer Krupke snorted. "All right. Now go on - beat it."

=-=-=-

Life in the city was pretty incredible. Naruto walked down the center of the broad way, cars - or at least, that's what Nikki called them - whizzing by and honking. There were some pigeons squashed on the street, men who looked like women and men who looked like women. Nikki was walking with him, taking him to the sights. He'd managed to clean up with a cold bath in the reservoir in the park and Naruto loaned him a set of clean clothes. Nikki explained that he was a monster, and there were all kinds of monsters in this city.

Monsters, cross dressers, whatever. All in all, New Amsterdam was a riot. Narurto managed to forge some bills after watching a transaction from a street food vendor. Flush with cash, it was time to have fun.

"Come on, Naruto! I know where we can score some great smack. My supplier's a grouch, so don't piss him off. His enforcers are tough customers, but he's got the best shit in the city."

Naruto had no idea what smack was, but he was pretty keen to find out. So far, the places he had been were fantastic. The titty bar had been a full service establishment, and the night club had been jumping. He followed Nikki down a dark alley, pleasantly buzzed and energized. Nikki stopped at a iron bound door. Above the door Naruto could just make out the numbers 123, but the name had been scratched out. He could make out an s, but that was about all.

Nikki banged on the door. A small peep hole opened up. "What do you want?"

Nikki stood up on his toes. "I'm here to see Oscar."

"Scram, junkie. Oscar ain't here."

"I've got money!" Nikki hurriedly waved Naruto over and whispered urgently for him to flash some of those bills they used for money around here. Naruto pulled out a wad off paper with the biggest denomination he could find on it. He could hear the doorman grunt as he saw it. The peephole slammed shut and Naruto heard some voices behind the door. The cover was pulled back again and the two were given a careful examination.

"All right. Come in." The door opened wide. Naruto followed his new pal in to a dimly lit room with black wooden seats and a card table pushed to one side. There was one person in the room and a pair of monsters. The doorman had no neck, and sort of reminded him a bit of Kisame back from his own world. Naruto recognized muscle, and this guy fit the bill. The other monster was more like Nikki; he was blue and had fur all over his body, huge eyeballs that protruded from his face, and no nose. He was busy noisily gobbling up a bunch of white powder from the table, making "nom nom nom" sounds the whole time.

The third monster was the strangest. His body was furry, like the blue dude, and he had heavily lidded eyeballs that flitted around the room rapidly. Strangest of all, he was sitting inside a trash can, the lid perched on his head like the Hokage's hat.

Nikki cried "Oscar!" and moved to embrace the trash can... thing in a hug, like a long lost brother. It grimaced and pushed him away. "Bob, what the hell did you let that piece of trash in here for?"

Bob grunted and pointed at Naruto. "He's got cash."

Oscar's eyebrows furrowed a bit. "Yeah? Let's see it."

Naruto pulled out the same pile of cash. Oscar's eyebrows rose noticeably. "Alright, so you've got cash. What do you want?"

Naruto shrugged and looked at Nikki. "I don't know. What do we want, Nikki?" Nikki quickly explained. Oscar reached inside his trash can and pulled out several bricks and put them on the table. It hadn't been what Naruto was expecting. Given how excited Nikki was getting, this was probably okay, but Naruto had no clue what wax paper wrapped bricks were good for. Naruto paid, counting out a good portion of the money in his hand.

That's when things went sour. Naruto had been around enough fights to instantly recognize when people turned hostile. Oscar, Bob, and the third occupant of the room had been staring greedily at the money in Naruto's hand as he counted. Oscar pointed at the rest of the money in Naruto's hand. "I want that, too. Service charge - first time customer, you know."

Naruto put the money back in his pocket and casually adjusted some kunai he had tucked up his sleeves. "No way. You got your deal." Nikki protectively clutched the bricks to his chest, looking fearfully around the room.

Oscar grinned maliciously as Bob slid around the room to stand in front of the exit. Oscar said, "Cookie, help this man part with my cash."

The blue thing stood up. It was pretty tall, easily a foot taller than Naruto, his arms almost long enough to reach across the room. Now that Naruto got a good look at his eyes, he could see they were bloodshot, like a ninja on too many stimulants. Some of the white powder he'd been munching on formed a ring around the monster's lips. This wasn't good.

It sang, "C is for cash, so give that shit up to me!"

Naruto let the handle of one of his throwing knives drop into his hand. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Now give me the fucking cash, punk, or Cookie Monster will break your face."

Naruto shrugged. If this is how they wanted it. "Well, K is for kunai, and it gets the job done."

The monster paused. "What's a ku..nai?"

Naruto moved. Instantly his hand shot forward.

THOCK!

Bob and Oscar stared in shock as Cookie collapsed in a boneless heap on the ground. A faint gurgling sound could be heard as the cerebral fluid leaked from the eye socket of the now dead monster. The kunai was buried up to the ring, the very tip of it protruding out the back of the monster's skull.

Naruto straightened up. "Now, let's renegotiate the terms of this deal, shall we?"

=-=-=-

Unnoticed, a small worm slunk out the back of the room. It had a very important phone call to make.

=-=-=-=

Naruto ignored Nikki as he cleaned up the mess. He was curled up in the corner of the room, mumbling "ohshitohshitohshit" while hugging his knees and rocking back and forth. Naruto shrugged and got back to work. Naruto calmly wiped his weapons off on Bob's shirt. Bob didn't mind, of course, because Bob was dead.

With a quick cutting motion, he cut the ligament holding Bob's hip joint in socket and wrenched the leg free, tossing it in the trash can. It always paid to clean up after yourself. The sound of the heavy limb landing in the trash can snapped Nikki out of his stupor.

"HOLY SHIT, MAN!" Nikki screamed, foaming at the mouth. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

"Shhh..." Naruto held his bloody kunai in front of his lips to emphasize the need for discretion. "Do you want to bring anyone in here to see this?" He made another cut, then tossed the other leg in the trash can. "I'm cleaning up, that's what I'm doing." The head had already been stuffed in Oscar's trashcan, along with the body parts from Cookie.

"You just fucking killed the Grouch! We're fucking dead, man. Fuck!" Nikki was hysterical. "Why the fuck did you have to kill them, man? The money's fake anyway!"

The question made Naruto pause, half way between cracking open Bob's rib cage in order to fit it on top of the mound of parts. Nikki's eyes rolled back into his head when he heard the sternum crack and he passed out. Why had he killed them, anyway?

Hmm... Anyway, that was a question for a later date.

A quick kanton jutsu reduced the whole mess to a few cinders. Naruto threw the passed out Nikki on his back and walked calmly out the door, the bricks of hash shoved in a duffel bag he found in the back of the room.

=-=-=-

"Elmo, I vant you to find dis man and I vant both his focking balls cut ovf. Vone, two. Vone, two balls, and all ten ov his focking fingers. Vone, two, three, vour, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Cutting them the fock ovf. Then kill him." The Count hung up and threw the cell phone against the wall, shattering it. Who ever this blond headed punk was, he picked the wrong monster to fuck with. He had his dope and his money, and he was going to die.

The thought cheered him immensely. "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah."

=-=-=-=-=-

"Gary, open up!" Nikki banged on the door. "I know you're in there, Gary!"

Naruto kept his back to the door, watching the street as Nikki tried to get his former landlord to open the door. Given how jumpy Nikki was, it didn't hurt to be careful. A flash of red crossed his eyes and he reacted on instinct, dropping to the ground. The banister behind the space his head just occupied exploded with a bang.

Nikki screeched. Naruto's eyes immediately tracked upwards in time to make out a red blur lopping away across the roof tops. Pushing some chakra into his legs, he took off after the running figure, springing to the roof and gaining rapidly. He could see that it was another monster, red and lanky with short fur. It didn't take Naruto long to catch up, as the assassin didn't know how to use chakra at all. Naruto threw a shuriken and it took the red monster in the back of the knee, dropping him to the ground with a scream.

Naruto kicked the rifle out of the assassin's hands and flipped him over. The sniper held his hands up in front of his face.

"Don't hurt Elmo!"

Naruto ignored him. He put his weight on Elmo's injured leg, driving the shuriken deeper into the joint. Elmo screamed.

"Please!" Elmo begged.

"Who sent you?"

"Count von Count," said Elmo.

How had he found out so quickly? It didn't matter. "Where can I find this Count?"

"You can't find him." Elmo was sobbing now. "He finds you."

"Wrong answer." Naruto pulled out a kunai and placed the tip just under Elmo's left eye. "Tell me where I can find him, or you lose an eye."

"I don't know!"

Naruto pushed. It took a while for Elmo to stop gibbering as his eye was ruined, but Naruto could wait. "I'll ask again. You've only got one more eye. Where is the Count?"

Elmo finally told him after begging for mercy. Naruto gave it to him - he tossed Elmo head first off the building to the pavement five stories below. Naruto picked up the sniper rifle his assailant had dropped and gave it an experimental heft.

Hmm... this could work.

=-=-=-

Count von Count relaxed in a chaise lounge, eyes closed as he was being service by three of his favorite girls. One, two, three tricks. He almost laughed, but wanted to concentrate on the sensations.

Then his phone rang. Someone better have some good news about the recent hit, or there would be pain. Shooing the hoes away and wrapping his cloak around his waist, he picked up the phone. "Da Count." He listened. "Who is dis? Vat do you mean, Elmo is dead? Look out the vindow? Vat do you mean, look out the vindow?"

The Count looked out the window in time to see a blond haired kid waving at him from the top of a tree. Then there was a flash of red across his eyes, and the Count knew no more. His carcass fell to the floor as bits of his brains slowly dripped down the wall behind him.

=-=-=-

"Never fuck with a ninja." Satisfied, Naruto watched as some of the counts minions finally realized there boss was dead. He hung up the cell phone and tossed it and the rifle to the ground, then jumped out of the tree.

That had been too easy. Time to go track down Nikki again, and find out what this smack that he had been so eager to find was all about. Plus, he wanted a bit of tail while he was in the city. Whistling, Naruto put his hands in his pockets and sauntered off. This looked like a fun stay before he jumped again. He had a feeling that Lucy could help him feel special for a couple of hours. That's just what he needed to take the edge off.

=-=-=-=-

End chapter

Just a little bit of fun. I have no idea where this came from, but someone suggested Sesame street, and this is the first thing that popped into my head. Author's question to readers – why did Naruto off Oscar and the rest so easily? Thoughts? Comments, questions, and criticism welcome as always.

I'll be concentrating more on Misunderstanding and Strength of a Horse at this point, but more chapters will be coming eventually.


	12. I'll Show You My Magic Wand

=-=-=-=-

"WAAAAA!!!" Naruto had just enough time to realize he was falling-fast-and scream as a wall of black water rushed towards him. He regretted it when he slammed into the water, belly first. The impact knocked the breath out of him and caused him to inhale a big mouthful of water. He struggled to gain control of his body, eyes screwed shut as he kicked towards where the surface should be.

Naruto desperately swam to the surface and took a deep breath, which caused him to cough and sputter as he inhaled some of the water that was streaming down his face. He tread water as best he could and struggled to catch his breath. It took a while, but once he was under control he wiped some water out of his eyes so he could see where he was. A quick circle told him what his initial glimpse of his surroundings had confirmed.

He was in the middle of some lake, it was night time, and the water was cold. He could feel the shrinkage.

He had no idea where he was, but that bothered him less than the shrinkage. It would take hot water to reverse that, and he didn't think he'd have a lot of luck out in the middle of some lake.

The moon overhead was weak, but gave him just enough light to see that he was probably a good couple kilometers from the nearest shore. There were some faint lights from a solitary structure in the distance that was too far for him to make out. But given that he saw no other illumination that signified human habitation, that sole source of artificial light was probably his best bet.

With a sigh, he started a slow crawl towards the shore, keeping his head above water so that he could keep an eye out on his whereabouts. He'd only managed to make it about a hundred meters, though, before he felt something grab hold of his ankle and pull him under the water with a vicious yank.

He gave the mental equivalent of a sigh.

He was being pulled down _fast._ He pulled a kunai from one of his thigh holsters and bent over, groping blindly in the dark as he found something slimy wrapped around his ankle. Running short on breath, he found a thick part and started sawing as fast as he could, grimacing as he felt an eardrum burst from the increasing pressure as he was pulled even deeper underwater.

He worked desperately with the kunai, sawing back and forth as fast as he could until he made it to his own flesh. It didn't matter that he cut himself, but it convinced whatever it was to let him go. The pressure on his ankle relaxed, but the burning in his lungs only increased. He started kicking upwards as quickly as possible, dropping the kunai to gain extra resistance in the water as he swam. Above him, the moon was smaller than a single candle. He started to panic when he realized h would never make to the surface at this rate.

**Use your chakra, idiot!**

The demon fox's voice was so loud in his own head that he very nearly gasped. Self preservation instincts he didn't even know he had kicked in as he pulled up an enormous wad of chakra from his belly. The Kyuubi contributed freely, having no intention of dying. Naruto performed the fastest sequence of hand seals in his life; even Haku would have been proud at the precision, given he was underwater and couldn't see. He spread his hands in the opposite direction from the moon and unleashed the biggest wind jutsu he knew. He didn't focus it, but rather let it push on the water around him, causing the water below him to roil with the sudden huge jet of air. It had the intended effect, though, as the force of the jutsu sent him shooting to the surface like a bright-orange intercontinental ballistic missile.

He broke the surface of the water and kept on going, flying through the air, ass over tea kettle. Eventually his momentum slowed and then stopped. In the dark it was hard to tell how high he was, but given that he'd been airborne for nearly ten seconds before he started to fall, Naruto figured it had to be at least a couple of hundred feet. He used the split second before gravity took over to try and angle his fall towards the lights he had seen earlier. A few small wind jutsu directed his fall in that direction.

Unfortunately, though, there was still a hell of a lot of water between him and the shore. The black surface of the water drew closer. This time, rather than fall in, he gathered as much chakra in his hands and feet as he could, and tried to time the release for the moment of impact with the surface.

It worked. "Ow…" Only problem was, it hurt like hell. Landing from that high up, it felt like jumping off the Hokage monument onto concrete. The pain shattered his concentration and he fell once again into the water.

Before he was able to react this time, though, he felt a mighty tug on the back of his jacket and he was hauled bodily out of the water and flung into the air.

He managed to catch sight of the giant tentacle with its tip missing slip below the surface of the water. He tried as best he could to correct his flight in the air so that he wasn't tumbling out of control. His trajectory was a little less arched this time, so when the water approached he tried to hit it running, using a little less chakra so he didn't come to an abrupt halt like last time.

The landing still hurt, but it went much smoother. His feet were stinging from the impact with the surface, but he was able to maintain his speed and run across the surface of the water. It was a good thing, too. Behind him, ten giant, angry tentacles and giant yellow eye rose out of the surface of the lake, tracking his progress as he sped off towards the light in the distance.

He caught a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye and ducked just in time. A giant tentacle slashed through the space where his head had been, slamming into the water on the opposite side. The large splash drenched him and nearly pulled him under into the water. Naruto jumped clear of the next tentacle strike and sped off, flipping the monster the bird as he dug through his vest for some kunai and explosive tags.

He didn't even bother trying to be neat, or even aim. He attached as many tags as he could to the kunai he found, primed them to blow in a second or two, and tossed them over his shoulder as he kept running.

The kunai barely had time to hit the water before they exploded, sending geysers of water rocketing into the air. Water rained everywhere, accompanied by small solid chunks of whatever it was that was chasing him. Naruto spared a moment to glance over his shoulder as he ran.

The thing was still there, but it was not longer chasing him. A giant eye glared at him as tentacles slapped the surface of the water. One of the tentacles looked slightly mangled. It slid slowly under the water, the golden eye glittering as it reflecting the moonlight until finally it vanished into the darkness.

Naruto kept running, the focusing on the lights that were drawing nearer by the minute. He was finally close enough to make out that it was some sort of castle on top of a hill. There was also a line of lights across the lake and he could just make out a series of lights bobbing in the waves. Since the castle was closer, and much more likely to have people in it, he made a bee-line for the shore.

And then a tentacle shot out of the water in front of him. Before he even had time to react, a giant sucker grabbed his face and hauled him off the water. He was whipped around so fast that even the Kyuubi grunted, sending chakra to reinforce his neck so that it didn't get ripped off.

The acceleration stopped suddenly as he slammed into the surface of the water. The impact knocked him senseless for a moment. Another tentacle wrapped around his feet, and he was hauled up into the air again, only to be slammed back down to the surface of the water.

The impact drove the air from his lungs. Reflexively, he gasped, and ended up choking on a huge lungful of water. Again he was hauled up, and hanging upside down from a tentacle, brought eye to eye with the giant squid he'd faced earlier. Its eyeball was at least twice as large as his head, and the rest of its body was proportioned to match.

The squid raised him hight into the air again, winding back in an arch as it attempted to slam him into the surface of the water again. This time he was ready, though.

_Kyuubi!_

**Fuck off. Solve it yourself.**

_Alright then. Be that way, you fucking furball._

**You could try to be a bit more original. **

Naruto chose to ignore the comment, instead concentrating on his feet. At the top of the arch, he let loose with another wind justu, severing the top of the tentacle holding him and sending him flying in the direction of the castle.

The velocity was much faster than he anticipated. He screamed as his arc quickly flattened out. The line of lights he'd noticed earlier was much closer now. As a matter of fact…

"FUUUUUUUUCK!!!!"

He hit the water and bounced, skipping across the surface twice before ramming into something solid that killed his forward momentum and caused him to start sinking. Naruto immediately tried to swim for the surface, but something grabbed him just as his head broke free of the water and hauled him up. Prepared for the squid, he wasn't ready for the sight of the largest man he'd ever seen sitting in a rowboat, holding him at arm's length.

The guy was huge, with a bushy black beard and a heavy overcoat. "Ye all right, lad?"

Naruto rubbed his head. He could see that the gunwale of the boat was broken from where he had hit it. "Uh… Maybe? I dunno. I think so."

"Good on ye. Might want to stay out of the water, though. Squidy gets testy at the start of the term."

"Squidy?"

"Aye!" The giant squid rose out of the water, glaring at the boat as it slid by. The large man reached into the bottom of the boat and pulled out a massive fish, tossing it to the squid. It yanked it out of midair and retreated.

Naruto nodded. "Right."

"How'd ye get out of the boat?"

Naruto shrugged. "Magic?"

The man nodded. "Happens when ye get excited, right enough. Don't worry, I won't be telling." He winked and switched hands so that he was holding Naruto over the water with his left hand. With his free hand, he reached forward and gently shook Naruto's right. "Hagrid. Rubeus Hagrid. I'm the groundskeeper here. I don't remember seein' ye on the train. What's your name?"

Naruto felt the strength in the hand that was gently engulfing his and decided he'd be someone that he never wanted to get into a brawl with. "Naruto. Naruto Uzumaki."

"Hmm… U… zu… maki? Reckon I've never heard that name before. Must be muggleborn."

Not sure exactly what to say, Naruto just nodded.

"Right. Into the boat with ye." With that, Hagrid hoisted him up over the gunwale and plopped his rear down onto one of the seats. Naruto turned and noticed a line of boats behind him, each with a single lantern suspended at the bow. He realized that these were the lights that he'd seen from the distance. Hagrid said something to him but he missed it. He turned around to reply when he finally noticed the castle that rose up out of the hill by the waterside.

"Wow!"

Hagrid nodded. "Yeah, she's always impressive, Hogwarts."

Naruto mouthed the name to himself. _Any ideas, fuzzball?_

**No. But this place... tingles. **

_Tingles?_

**Yes. It feels like something I remember from long ago. If I had fur, it would be standing on end. **

_Is that good or bad?_

**Good, in this case. **

"You listenin'?" Hagrid asked.

"What? I'm sorry!" Naruto pulled away from talking to the Kyuubi. "I missed that."

"I asked ye if ye got a pet with yer."

"Pet?"

Hagrid shook his head and muttered something. "Ye know, an owl, or a cat, or a kneazle. Some kids got 'em toads, even though I think the others be a might more useful."

"I've got toads." Naruto said. "I don't know about owls, but I'd take toads over a cat any day. Toads kick ass!"

Hagrid scratched his beard. "If ye reckon so. Meself, I don't see exactly where there so useful and all, but..."

"Watch!" Naruto bit his thumb and smeared some blood on his hand at the same time he gathered chakra into his palm. He slammed his hand down on the seat of the boat, summoning up a smallish toad with a cloud of smoke. The toad spit out a scroll into Naruto's hand and waved. "Hey boss! Long time no see! Hinata wanted you to have the scroll. She said to read it in private, and once you do summon me back. Got it?"

"Got it!" Naruto shoved the scroll into one of his pockets. "Thanks, Gamakichi." Behind him, Hagrid was peering intently at the toad. "This guy behind me's Hagrid. Say 'hi'!"

"Yo!" The toad waved.

"Blimey!" Hagrid blinked. "I never knew any breed of talkin' toad... That's right useful, that! Where'd ya get that there fella, Naruto?"

Naruto shrugged. "I signed the contract that my old teacher had." Before he could explain more, Gamakichi tugged on his hand. "Need me anymore, boss?"

Naruto shook his head. "Nope."

"Alright. Don't forget to write back once you've read the scroll, alright?"

Naruto nodded. The toad vanished in a puff of smoke, and before Hagrid could ask him anything else about it, the boat he was in entered a low hanging archway, forcing the taller man to sit down and hunch over. Before long, his boat was tied up to a mooring station along with a bunch of others. Each boat was filled with a bunch of other kids, all of them looking much younger than he was and most them seemed to be dressed in some kind of tunic. Naruto subtly altered his appearance with a henge before he left his boat, making himself appear shorter and younger than he actually was and suitably dressed. Hagrid blinked as he witnessed this, but before he could ask any questions Naruto jumped out of the boat and mingled with the other kids.

Hagrid frowned and then started herding all the children towards a door, where he handed the group off to a rather stern, sour-faced woman in a tall black hat and matching black dress. Naruto gazed around the structure around him. Torchlight filled the hallways made of fitted stone. The place reeked of age.

**I feel like I'm going to like it here, **chimed in the Kyuubi.

_Why's that? _Asked Naruto.

**There's something in the air...** Naruto felt the fox give the mental equivalent of a shrug within its cage. **I want to stay here for a bit, monkey.**

Lost in conversation with the demon, Naruto was only half paying attention to where the crowd of students was being led and so was startled to realize he was standing on a stage in front of a large crowd of seated students, all wearing similar tunics to the one he was faking with his henge. The stern woman placed an old battered hat upon a single stool placed between the group of younger children he was standing with and the older ones seated at the tables.

The hat became animated at once, and started going off in rhymed couplets. Naruto recognized poetry from one of those other dimensions, but didn't' think the hat's version was very good. However, he did learn a lot about where he was. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, divided into four houses. Each house represented some admiral trait or quality, but he wasn't too concerned about that. When the poem ended, the crowd clapped, and a child was called forth to sit on the stool. The hat was placed on the child's head, and then in a matter of moments the hat screamed to the assembled crowd which house the child would become a member of.

What was more interesting to both him and the Kyuubi, however, was that an object could be animated with some sort of intelligence.

**This... This is interesting. And new. Animated objects with intelligence? **

_Can you imagine how useful it would be? _Naruto asked. _You could turn a kunai into a living weapon, or get someone's clothes to strangle them..._

Collectively the pair started drooling as they brainstormed about the possibilities. So lost into their own little world of destruction that Naruto missed his name the first time it was called.

The older woman was impatiently tapping her feet as she called his name once again. "Uzumaki, Naruto!" Naruto looked around, and realized he was the last one on the stage. With a sheepish grin, Naruto strode forward and sat on the stool like he'd seen the other kids do. The hat then was placed over his head.

A new voice appeared in his head. "Hmm... this is... interesting."

**What is going on here?**

_Yeah! _Naruto shouted into his own head.

"Oh! More than one of you? Let's see...." Naruto had a feeling like someone was rifling through his brain. He felt the Kyuubi growl in rage as the sensation seemed to shift and concentrate on his seal. "Oh... this is very interesting! I don't believe I've ever heard about anything like this before, let alone seen it."

_Who are you?_

**And leave my memories alone, or I will destroy you!**

"Testy! I'm the Sorting Hat, of course! I'm supposed to sort you into your house. But it is obvious that you don't belong here."

_What do you mean by that? _

"You shouldn't even be in this dimension, let alone Hogwarts. But your name was on the list somehow, so who am I to question these things? Magic works in mysterious ways."

_Magic?_ Naruto felt the fox's interest perk up as well.

"Of course! What else did you think this was?"

Naruto gave the mental equivalent of a shrug. _I just think in terms of what I understand, which is chakra_.

"Chakra?" The rifling sensation returned. "Interesting. This power source is nothing like magic at all. The thing that exists in you cannot exist in this world."

**Fool. I exist in all worlds. I am that which you can never be rid of.**

"True enough, I suppose."

_Do you think I can learn? _Asked Naruto.

"I'm not sure. But you should at least give it a try. You were sent here for a reason, so I'll give you the chance to do whatever it was you were sent here to do."

_Is this stupid fate stuff again? I had to beat that belief out of Neji, and I'll look pretty stupid trying to beat it out of a hat._

"No, not fate. But sometimes destiny intervenes. You have freedom to determine your own path, within reason." The hat seemed to pause. "Now, where should I put you?"

**Slytherin. **

The hat chuckled. "I figured he'd say that. But you, Naruto, you're certainly loyal enough for a Hufflepuff, brave enough for Gryffindor, intelligent enough for Ravenclaw, and even ambitious enough for Slytherin."

_Do I have to choose? Why can't I just be in all of the?_

"Because..." The hat started. "Actually. Ha! There isn't any reason why you can't be, given your talents. Do you think they would work here?"

_They did on the boat ride over._

"Right. Then enjoy your time here in Hogwarts, Naruto Uzumaki. This old castle could use a change of direction, if you ask me. But please, do not let that beast within you out while you stay with us. We already have enough problems with evil hell-bent on domination here."

**If I do get free here, you will be the first thing I destroy, just for that comment.**

"Is he always this pleasant?"

_Yes. _

"Well then, I think it's time to announce the news, don't you?" And with that, the Sorting Hat screamed into the hall,"Gryffindor!"

The table at the far end in scarlet and gold clapped loudly. However, the applause were cut short when the hat spoke again. "Slytherin!" The noise in the crowd died down. "Hufflepuff!" Silence reigned. "Ravenclaw!"

Naruto pulled the hat off his head and swore it gave him a wink. An old man with a long white beard and a sleeping cap on his head stood up hesitantly from the head table. "This is a fairly unique case. I'm sure there must have been some sort of mistake in the sorting as you should only be named for one house... perhaps we can try again?"

"No, it's alright." Naruto waved. "The hat said I could be a member of all four houses!"

The crowd started to titter lightly as the students began talking to each other. The old man cleared his throat and the noise in the crowd died down. "While that speaks admirably of your character, young Mr. Uzumaki, you must pick one house that will be your residence. Do you have a preference?"

Naruto smirked. He made the hand sign for some shadow clones, and three exact replicas of him sprang up next to him. Each pointed to a different table and shouted in unison. "That one!"

=-=-=-=-=-

As Naruto approached each table, there was a general sense of quiet rather than being the rather boisterous conviviality many usually associated with the start of the term at Hogwarts. Mostly, that was because all the students were staring at said ninja with avid curiosity, but few had made any effort to approach the student yet. However, once he was installed at the bench, the Head Master stood up and addressed the students before anyone could ask him any questions.

"Students! Welcome to Hogwarts for those who have just arrived, and welcome back to those who have returned. A few words, then. First, if Misters Uzumaki, Uzumaki, Uzumaki, and Uzumaki can please see me in my office at the end of the meal, it would be greatly appreciated. Second, with Voldemort back, we must stick together. Finally, tuck in and enjoy the feast!"

A brief cough interrupted the old man before he could sit back down. A small bat of a woman stood up. The old man's eyebrows registered surprised briefly, before Ms. Delorous Umbridge took the floor and started speaking. Naruto tuned her out completely, taking the time instead to look around the hall and registering the details that had escaped him before, like the floating candles that seemed to levitate without the assistance of chakra.

**You noticed too, right?**

_Yeah. Nothing is drawing any power. Do you think this is that "magic" the hat was talking about?_

**I don't know. But if we can master this, it would be... beneficial.**

Naruto narrowed his eyes at that. _Beneficial for you, you mean._ The fox didn't respond. Eventually, the small woman ended her speech and the Head Master thanked her for her words. At that, food appeared on the previously empty plates.

Curiosity hadn't died during the speeches at any of the tables, least not the Gryffindor table. As soon as the speech ended, Naruto found himself bracketed on either side by twin redheads. Across the table, there was another redhead, a boy with glasses, and a pretty bushy-haired young woman who was nicely developed. Naruto pulled his gaze away from her when she caught him staring at her chest. She flushed, but before she could say anything to him the twins next to him draped their arms around his shoulders.

"I'm Fred," said the one the right, while the one on the left identified himself as George. "You've got to show us how you did that."

=-=-=-=-

At the Slytherin table, the silence around him was absolute as the students all carefully studied him. This felt familiar, more like sizing up a potential opponent. Naruto just stared back, completely nonplussed as he started loading his plate up with various meat products. Eventually, a seat across from his was vacated and a fifth year student named Malfoy sat down across from him. Malfoy sneered down his nose at the blond as he saw how he ate. "I've never heard of an Uzumaki family. It sounds foreign."

Naruto grinned. "Yeap. It is."

"Where are you from?"

"Konoha!"

Naruto could see several people around him mouthing the word to themselves. The questions continued, mostly about his family and background. Naruto told the truth - that he didn't know who his parents were and was raised as an orphan. The group seemed to shift restlessly as this was revealed. Someone in the group explained about the inter-house competition and some sort of cup. Naruto didn't make heads or tails of what this "quidditch" game was, but he understood the fact that it was a competition.

Finally, Malfoy asked, "What makes you worthy of being in Slythrin?"

"What if I told you I'd know all the passwords to the common rooms by the end of the night?"

The students around him grinned maliciously. Naruto could practically feel the fox purring in his stomach.

=-=-=-

"Hi. I'm Luna. Luna Lovegood." The girl next to him offered her hand, which he shook.

"Naruto. Naruto Uzumaki."

Luna cocked her head and stared at him deeply for a second. "Will that thing you contain in your stomach hurt us?"

Naruto was just taking a drink of some sort of liquid and spit it out all over another student across the table. He apologized, and watched, intrigued, as the student simply waved a stick of wood and the liquid disappeared as if it had never been there.

Luna poked him in the shoulder. "Well?"

"Um... No. At least, not here."

"But in other places, it could, right?"

Naruto nodded.

Luna chewed her bottom lip. "How old are you really?"

Naruto shrugged. "I'm not sure."

"Older than me?" She told him her age.

Naruto nodded. "Yeah, most likely."

Luna beamed. "Oh good! You're not a virgin." It wasn't a question.

Unsure about where this was going, Naruto nodded.

"Then will you sleep with me later tonight? You seem very experienced, and I'd like my first time to be with someone that will make it pleasurable."

Naruto blinked, then grinned. "Sure! Your room or mine?"

Luna cocked her head. "I'm afraid I will probably be quite vocal, so I'd prefer a place a bit more private for the first time. Can you meet me on the seventh floor after dinner? Then, we can we use the common room, or perhaps one of the hallways for subsequent trysts?"

"You sure about this?" Naruto asked. Not that he'd turn down the free offer, but it never hurt to be sure.

Luna nodded. "You're from another dimension, anyway, so it doesn't even count."

He scratched his head. "If you say so."

Luna stabbed a potato with her fork and dumped it on his plate. "So, tell me. Did you see any crumpled-horn snorkacks on your way here?"

"Describe them to me."

Luna did.

"Oh! Squirtles! Yeah, I saw a few. Let me tell you, Luna, those things are damn tasty…"

=-=-=-

At the Hufflepuff table, the conversation was rather less animated. "So..." Naruto trailed off, not sure what he was supposed to talk about. "Anyone here like Ramen?"

The students around him shook their heads. One first year student offered, "I like pirates, though!" The rest of the students quickly agreed, going on and on about how awesome pirates were.

Naruto waved his hands frantically. "Wait, wait! What about ninjas! Ninjas are even more awesome than pirates, aren't they?"

The first boy seemed to give it some thought. "Hmm... Well. Not really. Pirates are way cooler."

Naruto spent the rest of the meal was banging his head on the table, muttering something that sounded like he was asking for forgiveness for the sins he was about to commit. His fellow housemates gave him room, and wisely changed the topic of conversation to knitting.

=-=-=-

Dumbledore looked back and forth between the four Uzumaki's in front of him. Except for the one that was sorted into Slytherin, none of them were giving his various detectors any odd readings. He listened to the one he deemed the leader explain the method in which he has split himself apart. Unfortunately, it did nothing to qualm the feelings that this was some form of the most dark of magics. He did not want Voldemort learning how to accomplish such a feat.

"I'm quite astonished at this. I never knew such a thing was possible. But I'm not entirely reassured that it is as benign as you say."

Naruto nodded and pulled out a kunai. He stabbed the Hufflepuff version of himself swiftly before it could react, and vanished in a puff of smoke. Naruto shuddered briefly as he got the recollections of his other self, glad that he had chosen to sit at the Gryffindor table. "See? They're really just like a shadow - they are solid enough, but once you disturb the matrix they go poof."

Dumbledore pulled out his wand. "May I?"

Naruto nodded. "Sure!"

A quick stunner hit the Ravenclaw clone, and it vanished as well. The other Naurto suddenly smiled.

Dumbledore looked at him askance. "Why are you smiling? I just destroyed one of you."

Naruto shrugged. "Sure, but I can always make more. Anyway, I'm smiling because I think I'm going to like it in Ravenclaw."

"Oh?"

Naruto nodded. "Seems like a cool place so far. I'll let you know tomorrow."

Dumbledore nodded. "And you?" He turned to address the Slytherin clone. It shrugged. "It should be fine. Besides, I'm eager to learn about magic."

Two more clones popped into existence. "While I fear the disruption that your presence...s may cause, I will not turn away a student. I still don't understand how your name got in our enrollment records, nor do I understand the brand of magics that you use. However, you are welcome to stay until such time you are drawn away to... other things."

The four Narutos nodded. "Great! So, about getting the appropriate supplies..."

=-=-=-=-

Later that night, Naruto lay stretched out in his Hufflepuff dorm room and pulled out the scroll Gamakichi had given him. The real Naruto figured he needed something to do, so took pity on him and let him have the honor of opening the scroll. With a quick flick of his wrist, he snapped the seal and openned it. A picture fell out of a very attractive woman wearing long hair and little else, in a very suggestive pose. Will not pornographic per say, it was certainly interesting enough to get his blood pumping.

Then he noticed the handwriting on the photo. It read, "Come back soon, Naruto. This is waiting for you here at home. Love, Hinata."

He blinked and looked closer at the image. Then he blinked again. Damn. That was what she looked like now? He quickly placed the picture back in the scroll and sealed it, stuffing it into his foot locker before dispelling himself. His real self just had to know this.

=-=-=-

In the Gryffindor dormitories, Naruto's eyes popped open as he received the memories from his other clone.

Hinata!?! Looked like that!?! Hmm…

Naruto hopped out of bed and borrowed a piece of parchment a fellow dorm mate. It took him a few seconds to figure out how to write with a quill and ink bottle, but eventually he got it down. Biting his lip in concentration, he began to write.

It took him several tries to get it right. After all, he wasn't all that familiar with writing letters to women that sent him naked pictures. Humming happily to himself, he bit his thumb and summoned a small toad. It popped into existence and landed on the comforter of his bed with a small plop.

"'Sup, boss?"

"Can you take this to Hinata in Konoha?"

"Sure." The toad paused. "Got any candy for me?"

"No, not right now, but I promise I will when you get back. Will you need extra chakra to get to her?"

The toad shook his head. "Nope. I should be able to deliver this tonight."

"Great!" Naruto flashed the thumbs up. "After you've given her the letter, see if she wants to write a response before you leave, okay?"

"Got it!" With that, the toad vanished.

=-=-=-

The journey to the seventh floor through the castle was not without perils. Stair cases moved while he was walking on them, and suits of armor rattled. A cat surprised him once, but only once, as it found itself pinned to the wall through an eyeball by an expertly thrown kunai. He didn't want to get into trouble, though, so rather than leaving the carcass hanging there, he wrenched the kunai free of the stone and dumped the corpse in a closet he found along the way.

It took a while to make it to the seventh floor, but once there it was simply a matter of finding the right corridor. He turned a corner to see Luna sleepily leaning against one of the walls. She brightened considerably when she noticed him, though.

"Oh good! I forgot you might not know your way up here." She paused. "Did you do something to Mrs. Norris?"

"Mrs. Norris?"

"A cat?"

Naruto paused. "Describe this cat." Luna did so. Naruto nodded at the description. "Yeah. It surprised me on the way here, so I killed it."

Luna blinked. "Oh." She frowned. "Do you know where you dumped the body?"

Together they retraced their steps until Naruto found the closet where he'd left the cat's corpse. Luna explained along the way to whom the cat belonged. Naruto felt kind of bad after hearing the explanation, but not bad enough to care. The thing shouldn't have been following him.

Swinging the cat by its tail, Naruto was lead back to the seventh floor corridor where he'd met Luna. She walked back and forth in front of a section of wall a few times, and then a door popped open.

Naruto blinked. "Wow – how'd you do that?"

"Magic!" Luna took him by the hand and pulled him into the room, shutting the door behind her. "Just through the cat in the corner over there." She said.

Naruto did as instructed, then looked around the room. It was simple, with a large bed dominating the middle of the room. On one wall, there were all sorts of implements hanging from hooks on the wall. A closer look revealed them to be instruments of erotica. He grinned.

"Hey, Luna?" He walked over to the wall and examined the various whips and blind folds.

"Yes?"

"Can you show me some more magic?"

"Later." He turned around to look at Luna, but she was already shrugging out of her robes and underwear. "Right now, I want to show you my boobs, and I want you to should show me your…"

=-=-=

Much, much later, Naruto fell back to the bed with a satisfied sigh. Luna's sigh next to him matched his. He didn't have to turn his head to see the smile on her face, given that he could see her reflection in the mirror on the ceiling.

"So?" Naruto asked.

Luna purred. "I think Hinata's a lucky woman."

Naruto sat up. "How in the hell do you do that, anyway?"

"Do what?"

"How do you know information that you couldn't possibly know."

Luna shrugged. Naruto watched, entranced, as the movement did wonderful things to her pectoral region. Upon seeing his reaction, Luna shrugged a couple more times just for fun before answering. "I don't know. It just pops in my head. When I look at you, I see all sorts of stuff. Some of it makes sense, some of it doesn't. But you're a good guy, if a bit stupid."

"Hey!"

Luna patted his head. "You're not unintelligent, just stupid. But you won't always be stupid. Besides, you're good enough in bed that you can get by being a bit of an idiot."

Slightly mollified, Naruto raised his arms above his head and stared at Luna in the mirror. "How would you know? Aren't you a virgin?"

Luna nodded. "I was. But I've read enough to know that I probably won't meet a guy like you again in a long while. That fox in your belly gives you incredible stamina and a refractory period John Holmes would be jealous of. I promise I won't give away your secret."

"Which one?"

Luna cocked her head. "That you don't belong here. Oh, and that you secretly like it when I do this with my tongue..." She proceeded to demonstrate. Naruto sighed. Again, much later, the pair flopped back down onto the bed.

"So, how long are we going to do this?"

"Until the fox tricks you again into leaving." Luna answered.

Naruto frowned. "Why would it do that?"

Luna didn't answer. She was already fast asleep.

=-=-=-

A small 'pop' and soft thud woke Hinata from her sleep. Awake and byakugan active, she instantly scanned her room and noticed a small chakra signature near her dresser.

"Hi! You're Hinata, right?"

Hinata blinked and shut off the supply of chakra to her eyes. With the world in normal focus, she could make out a small toad with a letter. "Yes?"

"Naruto sent me!"

The change was instant. The toad found himself squashed into a rather generous amount of cleavage. "He did?"

"GURK!"

"Oops! Sorry!" Hinata relaxed her hug a bit, giving the amphibian a bit of breathing space. "Is he alright?"

The toad nodded. "He's fine. A bit lost, but doing alright, I guess." The toad held forth a letter. "He wanted you to have this!"

Hinata snatched the letter away and opened it as fast as she could. The handwriting wasn't the best, but then again, it didn't matter. It read:

"Dear Hinata,

Well, actually, I guess 'Dear' is a pretty lame way to greet someone who sends you a picture of themselves like the one you sent. But I can't think of anything else to say that wouldn't sound like that pervert, Jiraya. Anyway, I'm doing fine, but given the incentive I have to get back to my normal home, I'm trying as hard as I can to find a way back to Konoha. This jutsu is weird and I've seen some weird places. I've learned a few things, too, and I can't wait to get back to show them to you. Anyway, I'll be thinking about you a lot (how can I not with that photo?) If you need to contact me, just have a toad reach me.

Um… Love (is this what I'm supposed to write)?

Naruto"

Hinata grinned. "Would you be able to carry a message back for me?"

The toad nodded. "Of course!"

"Good! How long can you wait?"

"As long as you want."

"Then let me set up my camera."

=-=-=-

At breakfast the next morning, all four Naruto's were grinning madly. Strangely enough, so was Luna. Nobody knew quite what to make of it, but when the class schedules came everybody forgot in the rush to discuss their courses.

Between the three clones and the original, they had every class covered (multiple times, in fact). Since Naruto arrived without any materials, Dumbledore arranged for him to borrow some old textbooks while his situation was straightened out.

Naruto's first class of the day was transfiguration. He rolled his eyes mild amusement as the stern-faced woman from the night before transformed into a cat. This earned him a glare from the old woman, which he ignored. However, when she pulled out a stick of wood and turned a pin-cushion into a small rodent, his eyes got wide.

Naruto's hand shot up. "How'd you do that?"

McGonagall raised an eyebrow at the blond student's outburst. "Why does this impress you so much more than the other demonstration?"

"Because," Naruto said, "It's easy to turn yourself into whatever you want. But turning something else into a living creature? Whoa…"

The teacher frowned. "What do you mean, 'it's easy to transfigure yourself'? That is the highest and most challenging form of transfiguration!"

"What?" Naruto looked around. The other students were looking at him and rolling their eyes. "Well! It is!"

"15 points from… Which house are you right now, Uzumaki?"

Naruto scratched his head. "Which house is in the lead right now?"

McGonagall pursed her lips. "15 points from all four houses, then!"

"Wait!" Naruto waved his hands frantically. "I can prove it!" McGonagall opened her mouth. "Really!"

She huffed. "Fine. Then transform into an animal."

"What kind?" Asked Naruto.

McGonagall smirked. "A duck-billed platypus."

Naruto blinked. "Okay. What's that?"

Someone described it to him. Fixing the image in his mind, his body shrank until he resembled something that looked roughly like what he thought the beast should be.

The class around him grew quite.

"Er… Not quite, Uzumaki." McGonagall said, hesitatingly. "The… um… bill should be a bit longer, and a touch wider, I think."

"Like this?" Naruto made the corresponding changes to his shape. McGonagall blinked. "Yes. Can you do any other animals?"

The platypus shrugged. "Sure. It helps if I know what it looks like, though."

McGonagall sat down on the edge of her desk. "Can you try a dog, please?"

Naruto looked at her expectantly, wagging his tail.

"Interesting…"

"Do a lion!" Shouted one of the kids in the class. "No! A bear!" "A Dragon!"

=-=-=-

Herbology and the care of magical plants was pretty boring. In fact, it was so boring, that Naruto decided to enliven things a bit by pulling a fully mature mandrake out of its pot when no one was looking.

The clone vanished in a puff of smoke. The rest of the class wasn't quite so lucky. When Professor Sprout regained consciousness, she immediately docked Naruto 25 points. To all houses.

=-=-=-

"Pull out your wands, please."

Naruto raised his hand.

"Yes, Uzumaki?" Professor Flitwick asked.

"I don't have a wand."

The professor frowned. "5 points from…?"

Naruto sighed. "Umm… I think I'm Ravenclaw right now."

=-=-=-

The Potions class was less of a disaster, though. The professor reminded him of a laid back version of Anko, and making poisons sounded really cool.

Snape observed the blond enigma working diligently on his potion and was quite satisfied with his results. "Very good. Five points to Slytherin."

Naruto raised his head. "Um, actually sir, I'm in Gryffindor right now."

Snape frowned. "Are you sure, Uzumaki?" The professor stared at him intently.

Naruto chuckled nervously. "Actually, what was I thinking? The Gryffindor me is out at care of magical creatures! Of course I'm Slytherin!"

Snape nodded. "Of course. Carry on."

=-=-=-

Students filed into the dining hall to eat for lunch and were shocked to discover that every house had lost at least 50 points. Slytherin had lost the least, however, and were now firmly in the lead of the other houses. Eventually, the word got around that the Uzumaki's were responsible, and the reactions were varied.

The Slytherins gave Naruto a calculated look and a barely detectable nod of the head. He seemed to be delivering on his promise to position them well to easily win the cup.

At the Gryffindor table, Fred and George tsked wearily and explained that you weren't supposed to get caught doing pranks, as that defeated the purpose.

The Hufflepuffs all awkwardly patted Naruto's back and told him to not worry, as they would still like him no matter how many points he lost.

The Ravenclaw students, though, snorted in disgust and asked him how he managed to flub transfigurations. Luna answered for him, though. "He turned into a naked woman in the middle of class. McGonagall was not amused, though impressed with his attention to detail."

=-=-=-

Later that night, the staff assembled in Head Master's office, nursing glasses of Fire Whiskey.

"Well?" Dumbledore asked over his snifter.

"He's… promising." Stated Snape. "At least, he made a decent potion with little supervision."

Dumbledore nodded thoughtfully. "McGonagall?"

"He's a transfiguration genius, at least, when it comes to changing his own shape. However, he has no wand, so we weren't able to test his command of other materials." She frowned. "I'm afraid, however, that he may be a bit of a pervert. His last transformation was… disgraceful, to say the least."

Professor Sprout took a big gulp of whiskey and held out the empty glass for a refill. "I think he'll be trouble, regardless of how gifted he might be. He reminds me of the Weasley twins."

Dumbledore nodded. "Well, he is technically quadruplets. Any thoughts?"

The staff simply stared into their alcohol. Since no one volunteered any additional thoughts, Dumbledore moved on to other business. "Mrs. Norris seems to be missing. Would everyone please keep an eye out for the custodian's cat? He is quite distressed at her sudden disappearance, and seems convinced that there has been foul play. In other business…"

=-=-=-

Author's note. Yeah, not great, but more coming, I promise! I'm still looking for suggested worlds – some have been quite good, and I'll try to write them as I get to them. Work has been… busy, to say the least. Hope you enjoyed this!


	13. A Brief Interlude

A brief break and attempt to get back in the saddle. I'll be returning to Hogwarts, never you mind child.

* * *

"Hi everyone. Thank you for coming. Again, my name's Bob, and I'd like to introduce a new member to our group tonight. He comes from Grass, and has been a ninja now for about seven years. Everyone, let's give Gjalp a round of applause after he introduces himself. Gjalp, if you would please?"

The skinny, blond haired grass ninja stood nervously in front of the group of ninja sitting around on chairs in a circle. He could see headbands from practically every nation. Surprisingly, there wasn't even an ounce of killing intent in the air.

He took a breath.

"Hi everyone. My name's Gjalp."

"Hi Gjalp," All the voices responded as one. Everyone in the circle clapped. Bob nodded encouragingly at him.

"This is my first time to this kind of meeting… and I…" Gjalp trailed off. The others around the circle smiled at him and nodded encouragingly. Someone off to his right whispered that he could do it. He took a deep breath, steeling himself. "My name is Gjalp, and I have a useless Kekkei Genkai. My Bloodline Limit is… it's idiotic, really."

There. He'd said it. It was in the open now, and surprisingly he felt a great deal of relief. All around him heads were nodding and offering him warmth that he hadn't expected. To not be the object of scorn from other ninja as he relieved his greatest shame was a bit of tender mercy he had no right to expect, but welcomed nonetheless.

"What does your bloodline limit do, Gjalp?"

Gjalp tensed. Even this limited bit of acceptance would be withdrawn once he revealed exactly what his limit did. He paused, but the person sitting next to him placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and squeezed. The man nodded, letting him know that his fear was understood.

With a deep breath, Gjalp admitted, "It senses how much butter is in the house. When I…" He shuddered. "When I channel chakra through my coils, I know to the milligram exactly how much butter we have, and where the closest source of butter is to my relative position." He sighed. "It's completely useless for a ninja in a fight, let me tell you."

Some of the others around the circle frowned. One particularly attractive and buff ninja mumbled, but before he could say anything, a skinny, greasy looking grass nin stated he thought it was actually a pretty useful skill, all things considered.

Before Gjalp could continue, the ring leader of the meeting turned to the aforementioned nin and asked him if he wanted to share anything with the group. After some fidgeting, he said yes.

"Hi everyone. My name's Xixell."

"Hi Xixell," the group chimed.

"My useless Kekkei Genkai is mumble mumble." The last several words were swallowed, and nobody could hear them.

"I'm sorry Xixell. I couldn't hear you. Could you speak up for the group, please?"

Bar stared at the ground sullenly. "Fine." He sighed. "Do you know how hard it is to be a Grass ninja and have a bloodline limit that has absolutely nothing to do with plants? I mean, nobody will even talk to me anymore, and all because my bloodline limit makes me the object of ridicule around the village."

"What does it do?" a member of the group asked.

Xixell scratched his head. "It's embarrassing, but it's easier to show you than to describe it." Not saying anything else, Xixell suddenly stood up and began to unbuckle his pants. Several people began to shift nervously, but no one stopped him. He dropped his pants, and turning away from the group, hiked up his loin cloth.

His butt was glowing.

He pulled his pants back up, and after buckling his belt, sat down sullenly in his chair. "Do you see why it's so useless? Anytime I try to channel chakra, my butt lights up. It's worse than useless in a fight, as it gives away the fact I'm about to use some ninjitsu. The more chakra I use, the brighter it glows."

The rather buff and handsome ninja attendee next to Xixell said, "Hey, it's not that bad! You could always do Christmas party gigs, or something. I mean, it's not as bad as my bloodline limit."

"Could you tell the group your name, please?"

"Sure." The incredibly handsome ninja stood. "Hi everyone. My name's Adonis."

"Hi Adonis."

"My bloodline limit is worse than useless. It's so bad, it's caused my clan to die out. I'm thankfully the last of my line, and good riddance." He spat on the ground. "My bloodline limit creates these incredible looks." He gestured at his face and torso. Everyone there was well aware that he was perhaps the most handsome man they'd ever seen – impeccably proportioned, tall, muscular, and perfectly symmetrical.

"But the only problem is, it comes at a terrible price." He flexed his bicep – it was, perhaps, the most perfect bicep anyone had ever seen. "This arm is useless. All my chakra goes into maintaining this appearance. I can barely channel chakra through my coils, because my body absorbs it all to create this physique. But, any run of the mill ninja can simply channel chakra to their muscles and be ten times stronger than me. All this…" He again pointed at his body, "is useless."

"And this isn't the worst of it." He swallowed, tears forming at the corners of his eyes. "I could live with this, if it weren't for… for this!" With that, he too pulled down his pants. But rather than turning away from the group, he faced them, his glory on display for all to see.

"Because my body utilizes so much of my chakra, there's nothing left for winky!" Adonis wailed.

There was silence for a moment.

"Winky?" someone asked. The question sparked a giggle. The giggle sparked some snickers. The snickers threatened to erupt into full-blown laughter, but before things could get out of hand, Bob stood up and frowned at the group. Even he was having a hard time keeping a straight face, though. "We are here to show our support for our fellow brothers and sisters with useless Kekkai Genkai."

The snickers died down, the purpose of the meeting remembered.

"But it's so… cute! It's like… smaller than my thumbnail!" Someone said.

The group lost it.

Adonis, red faced, pulled his pants up hastily as the group around him laughed. "Well, I'm glad you can all laugh at my pain!"

Bob, clutching his sides, stood up again. "Adonis! Really, we are sorry. And we are not laughing at you, but with you. Right?" He gave the rest of the group a glare. Slowly, they were able to pull themselves back together and nod in agreement, even as they wiped the tears from their eyes.

Slightly mollified, Adonis sat down, but still he was embarrassed. His neighbors reached over and gave him a pat on the back and a thumbs up to show that they thought no less of him. Well, that wasn't true, but they dared not show it. All of them had shameful secrets, and his was no worse than theirs.

The circle went around, sharing stories and their own personal failures. Finally, the circle went around, and Bob was the last to go. With some reluctance, he stood.

"Hi everyone. I'm Bob."

"Hi Bob."

"My bloodline limit is… it is truly useless." He paused. "I know some of you have heard this before, but no matter how bad you think you have it, be glad you don't have my limit. My limit…" He bit his knuckle, still having difficulty with this even after years of group therapy.

"My limit… makes the ninja around me participate in yaoi scenes." He brought his fingers into a hand seal. "All I have to do is channel some chakra through this hand seal like this, and…"

* * *

AN: Still writing. Just blocked, like I've had too much meat and not enough fiber. This is just a bit of fan service and fluff.


	14. Interlude Trouble in Paradise

Sorry for the massive delay. Personal tragedy struck in 2010, and I've not had the heart or will to write. This is a (sad) attempt to recapture the spirit of writing, but I promise nothing for my output.

* * *

Interlude:

The smell of rancid oil drifting from the fryalator as the lunch ladies fished out overcooked, processed and breaded chicken patties caused Megan's stomach to lurch as she trudged down the lunch line, plastic tray in hand. She morosely placed some of the more salubrious looking offerings on her tray, but the options were pretty limited. The rice pudding bore a remarkable similarity to a pile of dead maggots, while the sloppy joes reminded her entirely too much of the carnage Naruto left in his wake before disappearing from Pony Land. The very thought of the fried chicken patties caused bile to rise in her throat, leaving fruit and veggies to be about the only option. The salad option consisted of sad cucumbers and wilted lettuce, with a dried out wedge of tomato thoughtlessly heaped on top, covered in U.S. Government surplus "cheddar" cheese and shredded carrots.

Starting the 8th grade after summer in Pony Land was as big a disappointment as Megan had ever experienced in her young life. Her summer had been one of the most transformative times in her life and the 8th grade sucked in comparison. She was tired all the time, Algebra made her head hurt, and she'd been feeling nauseous now for almost a week straight. Her mother said it was "psychosomatic bullshit," but just getting out of bed to go to school was a chore - not to mention all the farm work she still had to do. By the time she actually got to school, all she wanted to do most days was just sleep in class. Her grades had slipped too, since she just couldn't stay alert and pay attention in class.

Partly that was because she kept daydreaming about Naruto. Ever since she and Naruto had… She blushed, still remembering quite clearly what it had felt like to be made a woman. Repeatedly. Her friends had just started noticing boys, and as much as she wanted to tell them about her experiences, they were just... too immature for her. She grew up fast, and now found she had a hard time fitting in anymore. But, they were still her friends, so after paying the cashier for her salad and fruit ($4.50 for that sad piece of crap? Seriously?) she sat down at the table and tried to join in the conversation.

She regretted it almost instantly. The smell of the chicken sandwiches again made her stomach lurch. When her friend shoved a french fry at her, she lost it.

All over the table.

Her friends looked at her in shock as her neon-yellow projectile vomit splashed across their pink overalls like a piece of pop-art. Wide eyes and silence greeted her as she stood up, and excusing herself, made her way to the nurses office.

Muffet frowned as she looked at her pad. Muttering, she picked up the phone and called Mary. Tapping her foot impatiently, Muffet muttered "Come on, bitch. Pick up. I know you're fucking home," as the phone continued to ring.

Finally, after about the 12th ring, Mary's groggy voice answered the phone. "What?"

"This is Muffet."

"What do you want?" Mary was still clearly sleeping off a hangover.

"Are you late?"Muffet asked.

"What?"

"You know, late? As in, you know... _late._"

Muffet winced as the sound of the receiver hitting the floor made her ears ring. It didn't matter, though, since she could clearly still hear the swearing on the other side of the line. After a while, the cursing died down and Mary picked up the phone again. "God damn it! I swear..."

Muffet cut her off. "Yeah, same here. You should probably call Jill, though. Want to meet up in Ribald's in an hour? Oh, and call Dr. Jekyll, and see if he won't do us a favor..."

"So, Megan, how were you feeling before you got sick?" The nurse carefully checkedher temperature, making some notes on her chart at the slight elevation in temperature. The nurse noted Megan's response, checking off the boxes on the chart with each symptom. Nausea? Check. Vomiting? Check. Tiredness? Check. Elevated temperature? Check.

Certainly sounded like the flu to her. She began checking the child's throat, looking for swollen lymph nodes. Not finding any, she frowned, and asked the girl to raise her arms, which the young blond did willingly. She palpated under the armpits, not finding anything, but noticing that the girl winced when pressure was applied to the side of her breast.  
"Tender?"

Megan nodded. "Yeah. They've been feeling like that for a couple of weeks now. It hurts to wear a bra for too long."

The nurse frowned. "Are you sexually active?"

The Megan blushed.

The nurse frowned. "When was the last time you had your period, honey?"

The young girl shook her head. "I had one a couple of months ago, but I haven't been very regular at all ever since it started."

Hoping she was wrong, the nurse went to her supply cabinet. "Megan, honey, I want to check something, okay?" She found what she was looking for. "I want to run a little test, okay? It won't hurt, but it may sound a little embarrassing..."

Mary, Muffet, and Jill sat side-by side in the waiting room, sharing a single expression. Shock.

"When I find that bastard, I'll neuter him." A hang-faced Jill muttered.

Fuming, Mary simply gnashed her teeth, not trusting her voice at this moment.

For Ms. Muffet, a strange sense of calm had descended. Finally, shaking her head, she whispered. "It's like a fairy tale. I mean... how could we all be..."

-  
"PREGNANT?" Megan's mother screeched. "You're 13, for Christ's sake! Who was it? Jimmy down the street? I'll kill the shit!"

"Mom!" Megan yelled, trying to stop her rant. "It wasn't Jimmy. It was..." She trailed off. How in the hell did she explain Pony Land, Naruto, and the troggles? "His name was Naruto. He... wasn't from around here."

"Oh Megan..." Anger spent for the moment, her mother swept her into a hug. Megan wrapped her arms around her mom, squeezing hard. "I really disappointed, but I can't be mad at you. I never wanted this to happen to you. I'd hope you'd manage to avoid this, and get out of here. Get an education..." She sighed. "How could you let this happen, sweetie?"

"It just did." She said, her voice muffled by her mother's bosom. "What happens next?"

"I don't know honey. But we'll figure it out."

Walking through the halls of Hogwarts, Naruto was seized by a sudden sense of foreboding. The fact that the fox was cackling insanely in his head did nothing to relieve his anxiety, either.

* * *

AN: As always, feel free to suggest possible worlds to visit. I'll take any and all possibilities into consideration!

~muishiki


	15. The Seventh Floor is Haunted - Part 1

"I swear the seventh floor is haunted!"

"If that was the case then why wouldn't the Fat Friar have told us there was another ghost in up there? Are you sure it isn't just Peeves?"

"I'm positive! Peeves never moans and screams like what I heard last night. Plus there was all the crashing and banging... It sounded like someone was being murdered up there."

"And you couldn't find the source?"

"No. But I didn't stay too long to find it, either. I'm telling you, it was super creepy."

Naruto could barely conceal his mirth as he listened to two of his fellow first year Hufflepuff students relate their scary adventure on the seventh floor. He made a mental note to ask Luna if they should consider adding sound proofing to the room.

Knowing her, though, she'd probably want to just broadcast the sound even further. Still, he (or at least the non-clone version of himself) was enjoying their little tryst entirely too much for it to be broken up just yet, so he'd mention it to her the next time he passed her in the hall. He'd taken to rotating his real body throughout the four different houses. While clones were good, they just weren't the same as being there in person, particularly since magic had a tendency to cause them to burst.

Magic was nothing like chakra, and magical spells made even less sense than some of the techniques he'd picked up so far in his travels. Some of the spells seemed really more like conveniences than anything actually useful. Ransengan? Useful. Sniping rifle? Super useful. He couldn't wait to figure out some means of recreating the effect of a sniper rifle once he got back home. Garlic aioli sauce? Perfect with roast squirtle, and it also doubled as a pretty effective lubricant to keep metal on metal friction down in a pinch, like when picking locks or trying to slide a thin bladed knife between some metal plates.

Tucking in to a bit of food, Naruto consulted his schedule carefully. It was the last day of the first full week of classes, and he was scheduled for his first Defense against the Dark Arts class. Of all the classes he'd had so far, this one seemed like it was the coolest. Defense implied offense. There were probably all sorts of really cool things he'd learn from this. He'd flipped through the text book idly (or at least, his clone in Ravenclaw had - after all, he had to keep up appearances) and some of the stuff in there seemed incredible. He'd give an arm to learn a jutsu that had a 100% fatality rate upon contact. It would have to be at least triple S ranked, because very few things like that existed where he was from.

The only problem with the class was the teacher. Everyone else seemed wary of the Ms. Umbridge, but she seemed harmless enough. She was a short, squat woman that reminded him sort of Gamakichi, with short, curly, mouse-brown hair.

But that was where the resemblance stopped. Her voice was a sort of quiet, childish, high-pitched voice that reminded him entirely too much of that stupid old cat-lady in Konoha that fed him some bad sweets once. In retrospect, they had probably been poisoned, because he'd spent all day throwing up afterwards. If it hadn't been for the fox, he was pretty sure it would have turned out much worse.

He finished off the remains of his food and slunk off to class. He'd still yet to get a wand, but Dumbledore had promised him that he'd be able to go to some diagonal place this weekend. Honestly, a stick of wood was a whole lot less useful than a good kunai, but if they wanted him to wave around a twig, he'd be happy to do so if it mean he could kill stuff easier.

He'd been hampered so far in all his classes that required wands. Potions class was fine, and pretty useful. Care of magical creatures and herbology were boring but not too bad. Transfiguration was a blast, but the problem was trying to force other things to change into living creatures. Changing one inanimate object into another wasn't too hard, and with his clones, he could mimic many things, but he salivated at the thought of making a living creature capable of independent action. _That _would be a useful skill, if he could master it. So far Charms class had turned out to be a waste, since he didn't have a wand yet, but some of the skills looked like they could be useful.

He made it to class and found his seat a few minutes before the class started. He took a seat near the door, making sure nobody was behind him. The students stopped chattering when the teacher came in. He was super eager for this class, so when he was instructed to open his book and read, he nearly jumped out of his chair in outrage. But he didn't, simply because he didn't have the measure of his teacher just yet.

He pretended to read, all the while carefully watching Umbridge. This was probably a lot like the written test he took in the chunin exams - some sort of sick mind game she was playing in order to see if they had the right stuff in order to stay in the class. She might not look like much, but then again, neither did Ero-Sennin, or Kakashi, for that matter. Jiji was an old fart, and yet he was called the "God of Shinobi." Naruto decided to bide his time a bit before testing his teacher's defenses. He turned his head back to the book, surveying the class room carefully, planning out how exactly he'd test her when the time came.

At the end of the class, he sealed his books into a scroll (getting a few curious stares from some of his other classmates), and headed towards his next class. The rest of the day passed quickly. Today he was his day to be in Gryffindor, so he hiked up the stairs at the end of the day and waited for the portrait of the Fat Lady to let him in. She gave him the stink eye, of course - she didn't like it one bit that he had access to the common room and was also a Slytherin.

As he passed by the common room table, he caught sight of the fifth-year prefect Hermione Granger was sitting alone at the table working away at something in the corner of his eye. He did a double take, and changing direction, walked over to the table.

He stared at what she was working on intently, something about it striking a cord in him. She wrote equation after equation, and would occasionally add a single line to what was beginning to look like something he recognized. Eventually, Hermione put down her quill and pulled her head out of the parchment, looking at Naruto. "Yes?" She asked.

"What is that?" He pointed at the parchment.

She stared at him like he was dumb. "Arithmancy." She picked up her quill again, intent on getting back to work. "If you don't mind, I'd like to get back to work." She bent over the parchment again, but Naruto slid around the table, fixated on the design at the top of the parchment.

"Huh." He grunted. "Do you know what that does?" Naruto asked, pointing to the design.

"Does?" Hermione's brow scrunched. "It doesn't _do_ anything. It's a calculation." She stared at him as if he were crazy.

Naruto stared right back, wondering if she was off her rocker. Without thinking, he grabbed her quill and plucked the parchment out from under her hand, filling in the gaps in the design, ignoring the squawking protest of the fifth year prefect. By the time she managed to get the parchment back from him, he had completed the design, and her harangue trailed off as she realized what he had done.

She looked at the design and back at him. "How did you do that?"

Naruto shrugged. "It looks like something I learned to make a while ago." He channeled some chakra into the parchment, and the seal grew bright red for a second. "Here's the cool part!" With that, Naruto scrunched the parchment into a ball and tossed it into the fireplace, where it exploded in a searing ball of heat and flame that scorched his eyebrows, even from across the room. The tasseled fringe on the couch facing the hearth wasn't so lucky; it sat smoldering with thin lines of smoke wafting towards the ceiling.

"That's... I'm... It's not..." Hermione gaped, at a loss for words. "How did you do that?" Then reality struck. "THAT WAS MY HOME WORK!" She screeched.

Naruto winced at the volume. "Relax! I can recreate that no problem."

"But those calculations took forever!" she yelled.

Naruto's voice broke as he exclaimed, "You mean this is based on calculations?"

Hermione frowned. "Of course it is. Arithmancy is a theoretical calculation that is used to indicate where in the matrix lines of probability are connected to allow someone to predict the probability of certain events coming to pass. It's a measure of how complex a subject this is that this is the shorthand method for keeping track of the calculations involved in this problem that was assigned as home work."

Naruto scratched his head. "That seems kind of backwards to me. I mean, this doesn't predict anything but an untimely demise three to fifteen seconds after activated. It's great for blowing stuff up."

"Blowing... stuff... up...?" She trailed off, then muttering something that sounded a lot like "boys," then picked up her quill again, and began to scratch out a few rudimentary lines in a circular fashion. "What do you see with this?"

Naruto squinted. If this were a seal... He plucked the quill out of her fingers, and after a few minutes wrote out at least three different possibilities based on what she had started drawing. He handed the quill back to her. "I'm sure there's probably more, but this is all I could think of for the moment."

"All you could think of for the moment..." she trailed off, in disbelief. She went into some long spiel about vectors, trajectories, and the magical properties of numbers, but Naruto mostly tuned her out as she continued to natter on. Instead he reached for the book she'd been working from, and flipped through the pages, seeing seal after seal, along with lots calculations and formulas.

"Hey, can I borrow this book?" He asked, flipping to the back, where page after page of numerical charts were listed. He walked up to his room, Hermione completely forgotten, as she stood there, jaw opening and closing rapidly, but no sound coming out.

As he left the room, the couch finally burst into flames. Hermione squawked, and pulling out her wand, doused the flames with a quick charm. She glared up the stairs where Naruto had gone, completely ignoring the charred and dripping couch.

* * *

Sitting at the great table the next morning, Naruto barely paid attention to his breakfast as he flipped through the book he'd borrowed from the mousey-haired Gryffindor Prefect. Some of the seals looked horribly complex and there were many permutations of seals that he was familiar with, but the only problem was that there were nothing in the book that gave a description of what it was to be used for or any indication of what it could be used for. The calculations and equations at the bottoms of the pages didn't make much sense to him at first, but he was slowly trying to work his way through them on the seals he knew to see if it would help him figure out what was some of the other seals were supposed to accomplish.

He was so lost in his reading that he didn't even notice that Hermione had sat across from him until the book was practically ripped out of his hands by the irate witch across the table from him. She slammed the book down on the table. That action made her wince, and she picked the book up carefully, checking to make sure she didn't break the spine or rip something, before turning her glare back on Naruto.

"Talk." She demanded.

Naruto blinked at her stupidly. "Wha…"

"How did you make my homework blow up last night?" She slammed her hand on the table. "I tried at least fifteen different things last night, and I couldn't even get the edges of the paper to blacken. What did you do?"

"It's easy." He said. "All you do is make sure you've got the design right, put a bit of energy into it, and you're good to go. I'll show you." Pulling out a sheet of paper, he drew the design for a simple low level exploding tag, primed it with some chakra, and rolling it into a ball, dropped it into his glass of pumpkin juice.

Then he ducked under the table.

The explosion covered Hermione in a fine mist of sticky pumpkin juice.

Peeking up from under the table, Naruto smirked. "Oh. I forget to mention, but usually you want to duck when those go off."

Hermione screeched and lunged across the table, hands outstretched as she grabbed for his collar. He reacted instinctually, grabbing both of her wrists in his hands, and redirecting her moment, flipping her onto her back. She hit the ground hard and stared up at the ceiling dazed and insensate from hitting the ground unprepared. Before she could recover, he knelt down, a kunai drawn and pointed at her eyeball.

Someone cleared their throat behind them. Palming the knife, Naruto hauled the witch to her feet before turning to face the Headmaster.

"That was quite a nasty fall, Ms. Granger. Are you alright?" Dumbledore asked.

Hermione blinked stupidly for a bit, and then shook the cobwebs out of her head. "Err… I am quite alright. Thank you, Professor."

"And you, Mr. Uzumaki, proof that chivalry is not dead. One doesn't often see young men helping a fallen witch up off the floor any more these days." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he said this. "Are you ready to go to Diagon Alley?"

Naruto choose only to nod in answer, mostly because he wasn't quite sure what the Headmaster had just said, and he was learning it was better to not speak in these situations. Hermione, however, glared through her dripping bangs at Naruto. She pulled out her wand and muttered a cleaning charm, shooting him nasty looks the whole time.

"Come along, then." Dumbledore said kindly. Harry followed him out of the hall and past the front doors of the castle. On the steps, Dumbledore pulled out a fork and held it out towards Naruto. "If you would be so kind as to place a finger on this, please? We will depart shortly."

Naruto did as instructed, though he the Headmaster couldn't have failed seeing the quizzical look on his face. Before he could ask any questions, however, he felt a tremendous jerk behind his navel, and then he felt himself being pulled out through the air at a tremendous rate of speed, only to slam to the ground in the middle of a cobblestone street. Only the application of chakra to his feet kept him from going ass over tea kettle, though the old professor seemed to have no problems. He did raise an eyebrow at Naruto's ability to remain standing, though.

"Have you ever used a portkey before, Mr. Uzumaki?" He asked.

Naruto shook his head wildly.

"Interesting…" Dumbledore murmured, scratching his chin. "Well then. As nice as it would be to dawdle, I unfortunately cannot spare too much time today. Let us wrap this up quick, and I'll try to arrange for you to come back at some other time."

Naruto looked around, and blinked. Noting the position of the sun, barely any time had passed since the journey began. "Err… How far away from Hogwarts are we?"

"Oh, a good couple hundred of miles, I'd expect." Dumbledore responded.

His thoughts were racing. That was… That was almost like the fabled Hirashin jutsu of the Fourth Hokage. He had to figure out how that was done. Though they were in a dead end, the narrow alley led to yet another claustrophobic cobble street that was teeming with people. From the little he could see, the place was lined with an assortment of restaurants, shops, and stuff he couldn't rightly place.

Dumbledore was already walking out of the alley. Naruto followed behind closely, trying his best to pay attention to the sights and sounds around him as they pair threaded their way through the crowd. Eventually they stopped before a shop bearing the name Ollivander's, and Dumbledore held the door open for Naruto as he gestured him to go inside.

Dumbledore closed the door behind them, and moved immediately to chat with the white-haired old man that was coming from the back of the store. The place felt old, and it the shelves were stacked from floor to ceiling with small boxes.

The headmaster and the proprietor were deep in conversation, though the proprietor mostly just listened, shook his head occasionally, and frowned. Eventually, he nodded curtly, and moving away from Dumbledore, bent over until he was face to face with Naruto and invading his personal space.

"I am Ollivander." He said after several uncomfortable moments of silence.

"Naruto."

Ollivander cocked his head. "So I gathered." He stared at Naruto a bit longer before straightening. "You" he said with a sense of exasperation, "will be a very challenging customer."

With that, he pulled out his tape measure, and dropping it to the ground, went into the back room. Naruto scratched his head. He almost jumped when the tape measure began to move on its own, measuring various parts of his body. By the time the tape measure had moved on to measuring the space between his eyeballs, Ollivander had returned a big box full of what looked to be sticks of different shapes, sizes, and colors. He set it on the table, and reaching in, grabbed a handful of the sticks and rounded on Naruto.

Ollivander held out a small stick of wood that resembled many of the other wands Naruto had seen so far. "Try this." Ollivander commanded.

"What do you want me to do?" Naruto reached forward and took it. As soon as he did so, Ollivander snatched it a way with a cry of "Bah, no good!" slapped it on the table before thrusting another wand at him. "This one."

Naruto reached for it, only to have that one snatched out of his hands too. "This one!" Again, the same thing was repeated, and for the next wand that was offered, as well. In fact, Ollivander offered and took back several dozen wands from Naruto, his frustration growing with each subsequent one. Dumbledore stood off in the corner, amused and intrigued.

Naruto "tried" the last wand in the box, but so far nothing. Ollivander sighed, sat down on the table with the now empty box of wands, and peered at him intently. "Can you even do magic, Naruto?"

Naruto shrugged. "I've got no idea."

"Then what can you do?"

"Lots of stuff…" Naruto shrugged. "I know lots of elemental manipulation, the Rasengan, Shadow Clones, and I'm learning how to do seals. I've got a wind affinity, if that helps. It's supposed to pretty rare."

"Can you… demonstrate one of these skills?"

Naruto looked around. "Um… here?" He scratched his head. "That might be a bad idea, as they tend to be pretty destructive."

"Well, what about one that isn't destructive?" Ollivander asked.

Naruto made his favorite hand sign, and instantly a clone sprang into being next to him. Olivander nearly fell off the table where he was sitting, but recovered quickly. He stood up, pulled out his own wand, and began to prod the clone with it. The clone glared at him. "I can feel that, you know." Naruto rolled his eyes at the clone, which blew him a raspberry before dispersing in a puff of smoke.

"Fascinating." Olivander put his wand away. "A wind affinity, you say?"

"Does that mean anything to you?" Naruto asked.

Ollivander rubbed his chin in thought. "No, not really. But. However…" He trailed off, clearly lost in though. "There are some magical creatures with affinities, so at least it is something."

"Not many people have it where I'm from, and even where it is more common, it still doesn't occur that often." Naruto said.

Olivander disappeared into the back of the work shop, and returned with what looked to be a tool box. He pulled out what appeared to be a file. "Try this." He offered it to Naruto.

Seeing that it wasn't immediately snatched back, Naruto held it up. "What do you want me to do with it?"

"Try pushing some of your affinity into it." Ollivander suggested.

Naruto blinked. "Um… I'm not sure I know how."

Both Ollivander and Dumbledore crashed to the ground, twitching.

* * *

In the end, because Dumbledore was pressed for time, Naruto left a clone with Ollivander and it continued to work on trying to channel wind chakra into the file. On the way back to Hogwarts, Dumbledore took him to the book store, where he purchased his texts, and a few extra books on arithmancy. Dumbledore raised an eyebrow at this. When Naruto explained how similar it was to seals and how very useful they were, Dumbledore purchased them after making comments about how relieved he was to see "enthusiasm in scholarship."

The portkey trip back to Hogwarts was much better this time around, now that he was prepared for the landing. Dumbledore walked Naruto back to the main hall, where he made his excuses and quickly took his leave of the young ninja. Naruto had barely taken two steps towards the stairwell when he was accosted by a ball of righteous female fury.

"YOU!" Hermione stalked down the hall, her hair streaming behind her as she power walked down the hall, wand in hand.

He didn't stick around to see what she wanted. With a quick hand sign he performed a kawarimi, switching places with a suit of armor. At the same time, he layered a henge on it to make it look like him, and slipped past Hermione quietly while she proceeded to chew out his replacement. She squawked in surprise when the henge collapsed after a few seconds, leaving a large suit of armor her target had been standing. She whirled around, but he was long gone by then.

The next week passed in a blur. He spent a vast majority of his time looking at his new books on sealing, avoiding Hermione Granger (who had taken to stalking him like Orochimaru had stalked Sasuke), and finding time to make time with Luna. Classes were starting to get very frustrating, though. He couldn't do any of the magic he was being asked, and still didn't have anything he could use as a wand. Potions (and care of magical creatures) were the only classes he was doing well in.

Transfiguration class was particularly frustrating. While he could easily henge himself into whatever the hell he wanted, it was much, much trickier to force that transformation onto other objects. By the end of a week of ninety minute class, there was absolutely zero progress. He didn't understand at all how waving a stick and mumbling some nonsensical words was going help the process, but towards the end he tried mumbling the stupid words anyway, because he really had nothing else to lose.

The discouragement continued in charms, as he was completely unsuccessful in elevating a feather. Sure, he could spin it from his hand, forehead, or any other appendage, but that wasn't the point of the exercise. Flitwick admired his "creative use of sticking charms" but otherwise he was completely unsuccessful in making the feather levitate as described by Flitwick.

He didn't understand and couldn't use magic. That much was pretty plain. He didn't really understand chakra, either, truth be told, but knew how to use it. The problem was that he couldn't see how to make his chakra recreate the spells he was witnessing.

One night, after finishing their nocturnal activities, he explained the problem he was having. "Why don't you write someone?"

He banged his head on the wall. Luna sweat dropped.

* * *

Ero-sennin,

You got me into this mess, so I'm hoping you can help me out a bit. I need to know a lot more about the following stuff - seals, chakra manipulation, and anything else you can think of. See, the problem is, I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know how to get better. For example, how can I make something, like a rock or a pin cushion, transform into something else – say, a hedgehog? Or, make a feather levitate with chakra? Plus, I need some info on seals, since that got me into this mess in the first place. Also, I recently was transported by something that was suspiciously like the Hiraishin. Anyway you can send me some of those kunai and information about how the jutsu worked? I think the people here could probably help me figure it out if you sent that info along with the next toad.

Say "hi" to Hinata-chan and Baa-chan for me. I miss Konoha, and hopefully will find a way to come back soon!

Naruto

* * *

Jiraiya was sweating buckets as Tsunade read the letter calmly before handing it to Hinata. The girl smiled briefly as she read it, passing the scroll in turn to Sakura. Kakashi got it next before he passed it to the next person in the room as it slowly circulated around.

"So why can't we reverse summon him?" Tsunade asked. "This pen pal bit is getting annoying."

Jiraiya cleared his throat. "With the nine-tails sealed inside him, he's simply got too much chakra to reverse summon through the toads. You've got to have more chakra than the summons, and nobody alive has more chakra than Naruto."

Tsunade grunted. "Figured as much." She pointed to the scroll, currently being read by one of her ANBU. "What do you want to do about that?"

"Well, I'll send him a copy of any notes I have on sealing, along with whatever I find in Konoha's libraries and archives. As per the other thing…" Jiraiya shrugged. "I have no idea what it is he's talking about, but it sounds like elemental manipulation and chakra constructs. Or, perhaps, more accurately, chakra projection." Jiraiya stated. "That's pretty advanced stuff. Not sure how he's going to learn it from a scroll, though."

Kakashi coughed. "Do you think he's realized the trick with shadow clones yet?"

All eyes turned towards him as Jiraiya slapped his forehead. "Knowing Naruto… Probably not."

Tsunade frowned. "In addition to the scrolls on sealing, maybe you'd better tell him about that, don't you think? I'll ask our research division about this other request about transformations. I don't think it is possible, but who knows."

Jiraiya hesitated, but decided to speak up anyway. "Naruto's a bit of an idiot." The temperature in the room dropped as the group glared at him. Jiraiya held up his hands to ward off the bad mojo. "No, I mean… He's a bloody genius at making stuff up as he goes along, but spoon feeding him stuff doesn't work. Like with this dimension seal stuff…" The frowns in the room deepened, so he hurried to get to his point. "If you tell him it's possible but tell him you don't know how it's done, he just might figure it out on his own. All he needs to know is that it can be done, and he'll make it work."

Tsunade frowned, but had to agree. "What about this… Hiraishin business. Do you believe it?"

Jiraiya nodded. "He's half Uzumaki. He just might be able to figure it out. And if he can…" Jiraiya trailed off. "Perhaps we can use it to bring him back."

"All right then. Kakashi, I want you to put as ambitious a training plan on paper by the end of the day. ANBU, I want copies of anything related to seals, the Hiraishin, and chakra manipulation on my desk before the sun goes down, and one of the Fourth's special kunai's if possible." Tsunade stood up. "Hinata, you seem to be best at physical chakra projection, so I'll ask you to put some training ideas on paper for Naruto. Jiraiya, I want you to come up with some bullshit jutsu that are supposed to work like you did with this dimension one. We need something that will give us an edge with the shit hits the fan, so the ability to make sentient battle constructs out of common materials will be a huge boon." She paused." "Well?" She snapped. "What are you waiting for? Get to it!"

Everyone filed out as quickly as possible. Tsunade sat back down at her desk, and picked up a blank sheet of parchment to start drafting her reply.

* * *

Brat,

Don't call me Baa-chan. We miss you here, and we need you back pronto. You'll find a bunch of scrolls sealed in this letter –everyone wanted to give you something to help you in your efforts. First and foremost, though, you need to work on your control. Start with Kakashi's advice, then work your way through the rest. I'm expecting you to report back in your next letter with a status update on your progress. And write more frequently – I want a letter back in no more than two weeks, got it?

Godaime Hokage

Tsunade

* * *

Up on the seventh floor room of requirement, Naruto read the letter with a smile before pulling out all the other scrolls sealed inside. He gave the toad messenger a big box of wizard candies – they seemed to like the Every Flavored Beans, particularly the nasty flavored ones. He scanned down Kakashi's scroll, his eyes widening as he took in the information there. That bit about shadow clones… He was an idiot for not realizing it sooner. Given that the scroll also had a lot of chakra manipulation exercises, control exercises, and elemental chakra manipulation techniques, it would be extremely helpful when paired with the training method suggested.

He immediately focused as much chakra into his stomach as he could and pulled off a mass shadow clone Jutsu. The room around him blurred as it expanded to accommodate the several thousand new bodies. Each clone knew what they had to do, and so they split off into groups of one hundred to start working on the exercises listed.

Hinta's scroll contained information on manipulating chakra to maintain form outside of jutsu use. It sounded really hard, and he didn't have the level of control necessary to do that yet. He put that aside for the moment, but not before admiring the rather risqué photos included.

Jiraiya's scroll was horribly complex. He wasn't even sure he understood it, even after reading it through several times. He'd have to come back to that.

The last scroll, though, was the real treasure. When he opened it, a pile of material fell to the floor, including one tri-pronged kunai. He picked it up with a smile, feeling the weight and balance as he tried to decipher the intricate seal work on the handle. This was going to be fun.

* * *

At breakfast one day, Naruto was approached by the platinum blond scion of the House Malfoy, flanked by two hulking brutes who were his fellow students. "Good work on humbling the mudblood at breakfast the other day."

"Mud…blood?" Naruto asked.

"The know-it-all twit Granger."

Naruto silently ahhhed in comprehension. "Gotcha."

"Umbridge is starting up an Inquisitorial Squad. Given your… access to the other houses, I'd appreciate it if you could assist." Malfoy said.

"How?"

"If you hear of anything that's against the educational decrees, feed the information to someone on the squad."

Naruto nodded. "I can do that."

* * *

Several weeks passed. Naruto was abusing the shadow clone jutsu to his fullest capacity, and in the intervening time had made enormous leaps in his ability to control and manipulate chakra. All the various little techniques he'd picked up from the pokeman became practical, as he could finally control the elemental nature of the techniques to put some force behind them. Wind was easiest, and was the first elemental nature he was able to harness successfully. He was making good progress in water and earth manipulation, but fire and lighting were just going to be a bitch.

He was making limited progress on Hinata's techniques. Not from lack of trying, but it was so bloody hard to do that he decided to concentrate first on chakra control and elemental transformation before moving on to her stuff.

The scrolls on sealing were _very _useful, particularly when paired with the arithmancy text he'd cribbed from Hermione and others he'd found in the Hogwart's library. For whatever reason, seals made a lot of sense to him. Probably it had to do with all the work he'd done trying to figure out this dimension thingy, but he wasn't complaining. With the texts to explain some of the reasoning behind portions of seals, he'd managed to make his way through most of the scroll work (abusing his kage bunshin, of course), but in the end, he was challenged by some of the concepts that were still too advanced for him. After a few days debate, he decided to ask Luna if she might have a solution. She laughed in amusement at his predicament and immediately pointed out a solution.

Squaring his shoulders, Naruto acknowledged that it was time to go face the music. He needed to go find his stalker.

* * *

The bushy-haired witch across the table glared at him as he sat down. Before she could say anything, Naruto held up a hand and forestalled any comments. "Yes, I have been avoiding you, and no, I'm not going to tell you how I've been doing it." Naruto said. "However, I need your help."

Hermione narrowed her eyes as her lips thinned. "Why should I help you?" She crossed her arms under her breasts, giving him the stink eye.

Naruto wordlessly slid a copy of the seal on the Fourth's kunai across the table. This was the best he could do given how hard it was to unravel the complex seal on the grip. He knew he was missing a ton of elements, but he had to start somewhere. "I need help with this so I can work out the mechanics, and you come recommended as having the best grounding in theory."

Hermione's natural curiosity won out over her anger as she glanced down at the parchment. Hesitantly, she reached out for it but paused. "This isn't going to blow up on me, is it?"

He shook his head. "Nope. This one's different."

"What does it do?" She asked, tracing out various elements of the seal.

"Well, when it works, it manipulates time and space to provide instantaneous transportation from one point to the next."

Hermione looked up at him, her eyes narrowed. "Not only is that exceedingly dangerous, it shouldn't be possible. If something like this existed, the ministry would heavily regulate it, if not outright ban it."

Naruto shrugged. "Yet it exists, and what's more, I know it works. But I can't recreate it yet."

Hermione turned back to the page, turning it back and forth to look at various other elements of the design. "This… doesn't make any sense." She murmured. After a few minutes of intense scrutiny, she looked up. "What do you want me to do?"

"I need you to try and figure out some of the missing variables." Naruto pointed at some of the blank sections. "These gaps here… I have no clue what should go there. However, if I'm right, then you should be able to calculate approximately what belongs where given the partial information you have on the seal right?"

Hermione bit her lip. "Possibly. It won't be accurate, of course. It would help to see the complete array."

"I don't need accurate – I just need an idea. I can fix it once I know what is supposed to go where." Naruto pointed to a gap. "Something crucial belongs here that holds the whole thing together. For the life of me, I have no idea what it is."

Hermione squinted and took a closer look. "Hmm… I'll take a look at it. But in exchange, I want something."

Naruto sat back, looking at her warily. "Okay, what?"

"You…" she leaned over and poked him in the chest, "are going to explain how you apparate inside of Hogwarts."

"Apparate?" Naruto shook his head, confused.

"Yes!" She poked him again. "Every time I try and track you down, you disappear and end up somewhere else. It. Shouldn't. Be. Possible." She accentuated each word with a poke. "You are going to tell me how you do it."

Naruto flinched a bit at her pokes. "Okay. Um… how long do you want to look at that?"

"Give me a week." She said.

"Deal. Do you know where the 7th floor room is?" Naruto asked.

Hermione gasped. "How did you…?"

Naruto cut her off. "Anyway! Meet me there in one week? Say, Friday, just after curfew?"

"Why after curfew?" She asked.

"Why not?" Was his response.

* * *

Naruto stood in Ollivanders wand shop yet again, trying out another assortment of useless sticks. He waved one right after another, getting no response from any of them. Eventually, he ran out of new wands to try.

"Well, that was productive." Naruto said.

Ollivander muttered about lack of response from the wands. He handed Naruto the file back again. "Try it with this again?"

With a grimace, Naruto took the file and tried channeling his chakra into it. He frowned as he noticed something he had missed the first time he'd visited the store. Acting on a hunch, he tried shaping his chakra into wind chakra. He felt his chakra move through the file, much more easily than he would have thought possible. Concentrating hard, he pushed as much chakra into the file as he could, and much to Ollivanders chagrin, a blue jet of chakra of erupted from the end of the file, cutting through the book shelve before him as cleanly as any blade.

Naruto dropped the file in surprise. It sunk into the floor, buried to the haft.

"Well." Ollivander blinked. "While not the response I was looking for, at least we're getting somewhere!"

Naruto pulled the metal from the floor. "What kind of metal is this?"

Ollivander pulled the file from his hand. "This is special goblin steel. It's been forged using dragon flame, hardened with fiendfyre, and quenched in crocodile tears."

"Where… Where could I get some of that kind of metal?" Naruto asked. The cutting power of the chakra channeled through that file was incredible. A simple kunai could become an incredible weapon if it could channel wind chakra like that.

"You have to place an order with the goblins across the street. It's prohibitively expensive and fiendishly hard to work, but virtually indestructible." Olivander put the file away. "At least now we're getting somewhere. It seems you might respond to a core composed of elements, rather than heartstrings or other organic materials. We've still got to find a suitable wood, however."

Naruto harrumphed. "Why is a wand even necessary?"

Ollivander leaned back in his chair. "Strictly speaking, a wand is not necessary at all. But it tends to make things easier, and certainly until you've established control of your magical core, it's essential."

With a resigned sigh, Naruto started picking up wood samples and trying to channel his chakra through them. It was going to be another boring day.

* * *

Baa-san,

Things are going well here. Tell Kakashi that when I see him next, I'm going to kick his ass for not teaching me about the shadow clone trick earlier. Oh, and the attached scroll is for Hinata. No peeking! Oh – do you know of any wood that might channel chakra, for instance?

Love,

Naruto

* * *

Tsunade handed the letter over to Yamato. An 18 inch block of wood grew from his palm as he channeled chakra into his wood release. Task completed, he placed the item on the desk with other chakra conductive wood samples and bowed to the Hokage as he left the room. Tsunade eyed the samples speculatively before turning back to her letter. She wasn't quite sure why he needed these, but she'd send them along. If it helped him get home sooner, it was worth the cost.

* * *

Ollivander turned the different wood samples over in his hands repeatedly, feeling the grain and texture. "What wondrous material. Where, pray tell, did this come from?"

"Konoha." Naruto replied with a shrug.

"Konoha…" Ollivander mouthed. "Well. Let's test these out, shall we?" Pulling out his wand, he tapped each block, separating off a small sliver that he handed to Naruto. "Try channeling your power through this."

Naruto did as instructed. However, when he did so, the wood split, rather than conduct his chakra. He looked up to Ollivander, who frowned.

All the subsequent samples behaved in the same fashion, though some failed more spectacularly than others.

Ollivander sat back on his heels. "Well… that's rather… unfortunate."

* * *

Classes that week dragged. Naruto was still having practically no success in his class work, though he felt like he was starting to make some breakthroughs. The information Hinata had sent was starting to pay off. He wasn't able to elevate a feather, for instance, but he'd been able to summon enough wind chakra to at least blow it into the air. That was some progress, at least.

He'd gotten nowhere yet with Jiraiya's animation jutsu – that was just beyond tough, so even with his shadow clones, it would take a while. Herbology was relaxing, but not exactly stressful. Potions were coming along fine. Snape seemed not to mind him much, so he was left to his own devices in class.

The Kyuubi was suspiciously quiet. Since arriving, it hadn't said much, if anything, to Naruto. He'd enjoy the relatively peaceful time while he could. As the week ended, Naruto was on the seventh floor, staring at a large scale diagram of the seal on the Fourth's kunai projected on the wall. He'd had clones examining it all week, and even still, he'd not gotten too much further with unraveling the seal.

His thoughts were broken by Hermione's arrival. He saw her tuck a piece of parchment way in her cloak as she entered the room. She stood next to him in the center of the room, staring up at the enlarged seal.

"It's even more impressive like this." She said.

"Yeap." Naruto nodded. "What did you find?"

Hermione reached into her robes to pull out a small handbag. Setting it on the floor, she pulled out a collection of tomes and scrolls of parchment that were much bigger than the bag itself. Naruto blinked. That was an interesting application of storage that he'd have to consider. He'd never considered storing items into something that wasn't a scroll itself. It was much less obtrusive, in some ways, and easier to access.

While he was navel gazing, Hermione had flipped open the books to pages she'd marked previously and started rambling on about complex computations that he was at a loss to follow. However, when she started making annotations to the projection on the wall, he immediately was able to see what she was talking about, filling in gaps in the seal based off her annotations.

Hermione, of course, was annoyed that he was able to immediately do so, and attempted to show him up by pointing out elements that he couldn't have possibly guessed. However, over the course of several hours, the two of them had managed to complete a good a fraction of the gaps, which was much more progress than either had been expecting.

At a certain point, though, Naruto's brain started to hurt. "I'm missing a lot of elements – I've never seen something so complex in my life." Well, barring the seal that held the Kyubi prisoner and the one on his body for jumping dimensions. He blinked. Why hadn't he thought of that earlier? Without warning he jumped up off the floor, startling Hermione. Ignoring her squawks, and started to fill in some elements he'd missed before on the seal. It only made sense, given what this was supposed to do. Instantaneous transportation was impossible, unless you broke the rules of time. Which meant…

He scribbled furiously as Hermione watched. Intrigued, she came around to his side as she watched him annotate and fill in parts of the seal that had previously been blank.

"What… is this supposed to do?" She asked, pointing to the new additions.

"It has to do with time." Naruto said. "But the think I can't figure out is what the trigger is. It makes no sense. There has to be some substitute for mass here…" he pointed out a section of the seal, "otherwise, the energy cost would just be monstrous. It can't be energy intensive, as this was used hundreds of times per day, if the stories are accurate."

Hermione frowned. "Substitute for mass… to… manipulate time… and space?" Grabbing the stylus from his hand, Hermione wrote an equation to the side.

"E=mc2?" Naruto frowned. "I don't get it."

"It's harnessing light!" Hermione exclaimed. "It has to be! It's the only thing that could make sense. It has mass, and yet is a wave at the same time. It would provide the energy needed to power this and at the same time off set the restrictions imposed by mass… " She trailed off, dropping the stylus from suddenly nerveless fingers. "Naruto?"

"Yeah?"

"You said that this worked?" She asked, not taking her eyes off the seal.

"Yeap. The man who invented it where I'm from was regarded as a true genius."

"This…" She pointed to the design. "If this is real, it proves that faster than light travel is possible."

Naruto looked at her like she was dumb. "I said it provided instantaneous travel."

She shook her head. "You don't understand. Instantaneous travel is impossible. Even with magic. It just…" She got a crazed look in her eye. "We have to get this working."

"Yeah, well, I said as much, didn't I?"

She turned around and grabbed him by the collar of his jacket. "WE. HAVE. TO. MAKE. THIS. WORK." She was breathing heavily and her eyes were dilated.

Naruto sniffed the air suspiciously. "Um… Hermione?"

"What?" She snapped.

"Are you… ugh…" He scratched his head, nervously. "Um… by any chance… turned on?"

She blushed. "Yeah. I orgasmed just now."

"Oh." Naruto grinned. "Would you like another?" He asked.

She nodded furiously.

He leaned over and whispered in her ear. "I'm not from this dimension."

She moaned and collapsed as she convulsed. Only her grip on his collar and his arms around her back prevented her from falling to the floor. It took a moment, but she steadied herself for a bit before looking him in the eye.

"You will tell. Me. Everything." To his surprise, she pushed him, hard. He fell back, his legs cut out from beneath him as a bed materialized immediately behind his knees. As soon as he flopped back, Hermione climbed on top, straddling his waist, as she shucked her robes.

* * *

Luna entered the room of requirement to find Hermione taking full advantage of Naruto's… abilities. She beamed at the two of them, and closing the door behind them, shucking her robes as well.

* * *

"The seventh floor really _is_ haunted! The moans and screams are getting worse, and it's happening now almost every night."

Hermione blushed as she overheard the conversation, but didn't let it distract her from her work on the seal. She made some annotations, and passed it back to Naruto for him to fill in some gaps. Lunch was ending however, so she kicked him under the table and mouthed "later," pointing up towards the room where they had been working. He nodded, turning back down to the seal.

She grabbed her bags and started to collect her things. Luna fell in step with her as they made their way off towards their respective classes. The Ravenclaw beamed at her.

"How are things coming?" Luna asked.

Hermione snorted. "We're close. I can feel it. We've got most of it figured out. A couple more weeks, and we should have the seal complete. Then we can test it."

"Aren't you worried about Ron getting jealous? He's been giving you funny looks in the hall."

"Ron who?" Hermione snorted. "That wanker can kiss my ass."

"He'll see the bite marks if you let him." Luna quipped.

Hermione blushed. "You left those on purpose, didn't you?"

Luna shrugged. "Maybe. But you're the one that didn't heal them. Wonder what that says about you?"

Hermione shrugged. "For the first time in my life, I'm getting what I want."

"Sex, or intense intellectual stimulation?"

Hermione blushed and looked around frantically to make sure no one overheard. "Quiet, you!"

"Well?" Luna asked. "Which one?"

"Both." Hermione admitted.

"Feels good, doesn't it?" Luna said.

"It does." Hermione said. "If this thing of Naruto's works, stopping Voldemort will be child's play."

Luna made a humming sound. "If you really want to stop Voldemort, just tell Naruto what a Death Eater is and who they are."

"Why do you say that?" Hermione asked.

Luna smiled enigmatically. "Women's intuition." With that, she drifted off, leaving a confused Hermione in the hall.

* * *

Life in Hogwarts was pretty fun, all things considered. Naruto sat in transfiguration class, idly poking the ball he was supposed to transform into a hedgehog. He let his attention wander as he watched his classmates attempt to perform the same spell with various degrees of success.

McGonagall stopped by his desk and frowned. "No luck?"

Naruto poked his ball and shook his head. "I don't get it." The ball quivered, but there was no change. "I mean, how am I supposed to take something that has no intelligence and give it intelligence?"

McGonagall frowned. "Is that what you are trying to do? Why aren't you allowing magic to do the work for you?"

Naruto sighed. "But I don't understand what magic _is_."He poked the ball again. "I have no problem with utilizing my internal energy, but getting it to do what you describe just isn't working."

"Magic is more than just internal energy." McGonagall said, "It reacts to your intent and focus. You must will it into being and provide the energy for the transformation. If you lack the necessary mental discipline, you'll never get the spell to work."

"But I have no trouble with transformations…" Naruto grumbled.

"Perhaps," McGonagall said, "you should think about how you do your normal magic and externalize it."

With that, she moved on to the next student, whose ball had grown spines but failed to completely transform.

Naruto sat back in his chair. Externalizing… that was basically what Hinata was doing with her techniques. On a whim, Naruto made a clone, and then watched carefully as it transformed into a hedgehog, and then to a ball. The clone dispelled, transferring the memories to him. Henge was so second nature now that he rarely, if ever, thought about the jutsu.

Piece by piece, he tried to recreate the energy pattern used in a henge, but externally, while focusing on the ball. It fizzled abruptly, but at least it was a start.

* * *

Defense class was seriously boring.

Naruto wondered if it was a test, of some sorts. He'd been here for months now, and the only thing that he'd been told was to open a book. Fed up, and determined to see what his teacher was capable of, Naruto waited until Ms. Umbridge cleared her throat and turned towards the board to place today's lesson on it before throwing the kunai he had palmed earlier.

Much to his shock, it struck true. Ms. Umbridge collapsed in a heap, gasping for breath as she vainly tried to reach around her considerable bulk to grab the throwing knife lodged in her kidney.

He scratched his head. What kind of teacher taught defense and couldn't block that throw? That was a gimme. He'd barely put anything behind that at all!

As one, the students all turned to look at him, their eyes wide with shock. "Dude," one of them said, "did you just kill our teacher?"

Naruto shook his head. "She should live if she gets some medical treatment. But honestly, what kind of lame ass teacher of defense is she if she couldn't block that?"

The students stated to edge away from the hyperactive blond, some giving him a wide berth, when suddenly the door to the room burst open and Dumbledore, along with another witch he'd yet to meet, appeared next to Ms. Umbridge. The witch muttered something about mung beans frantically, levitating Umbridge and running out the door with her.

The headmaster remained at the front of the room. He raised his wand, and with a bang, a series of sparks erupted, calming the chaos in the class. Once silence had fallen, he glanced around the room until his eyes locked with Naruto.

"Mr. Uzumaki, if you would please join me in my office?"

"Here, one generally does not use what we would consider lethal force in the classroom. Is that understood?"

Naruto nodded vigorously. Being scolded by Dumbledore reminded Naruto a great deal of the many tongue lashings he'd received courtesy of the Third Hokage.

The Headmaster sighed, and removed his glasses. "Unfortunately, I will not be able to protect you from this... incident, and I fear it will only be a matter of time before the Board of Governors convenes to conduct a fact finding mission and begin the expulsion proceedings. In light of your actions, I can't say I would entirely disagree with a decision to remove you from these premises. You show a blood-thirstiness that concerns me, frankly."

Naruto raised his hand. "Permission to speak?"

Dumbledore nodded his head.

"In my defense, I have been raised to kill. I am a member of a ninja village, after all. It was a perfectly logical assumption on my part that the teacher of defense would be able to defend themselves against my efforts."

Dumbledore frowned. "However, I would advise you in the future to be much more circumspect about the use of force - here in Hogwarts, and also in whatever location you end up in the future. I can sense that you are a kind soul, with no malice intended, but you have a darkness that needs to be confronted and tamed, lest you lose control."

He reached across his desk to a bowl full of hard candies. "Lemon drop?"

Naruto blinked. "Excuse me?"

"A lemon drop. Popularized in the late 1700's, it is a confection both sweet and sour, manufactured mostly of sugar, with citric acid as a major component. They are delicious, and should you want one, I offer." He held the bowl out to Naruto, who declined.

Dumbledore shrugged and took one of the candies for himself, popping it in his mouth. "While I am quite upset at you, at the same time you have done me, and by extension, Hogwarts a considerable service. Ms. Umbridge was a toad of a woman. Even though she is expected to make a complete recovery, she has declined to return to Hogwarts for the foreseeable future. Thus, while I must punish you to the fullest extent possible, privately, I would like to express my gratitude for your actions today. Though mark my words - you must consider your actions and their consequences, lest you end up trapped in a world of darkness of your own making. Thus I am asking Hagrid to be in charge of your punishment, as I believe he will be fair in the administration of his duties."

"... okay?" Naruto hazarded, hoping that was the correct response to the Headmaster. Frankly, most of what was said went over his head, but he nodded in agreement anyway. He understood he was in trouble, and understood he'd be made to pay for said trouble, but beyond that, he had not a clue.

He was dismissed shortly after, and walking through the halls was a strange experience. All of the students, regardless of age, regarded him with a mixture of awe and wariness. One of the boys in Slytherin gave him a salute. Before he made it to transfiguration (his next class), he was set upon by the Weasley twins, who flanked him and wrapped one arm each around his shoulders, effectively pinning him between their bodies.

"You..." one began.

"Seriously need to learn..." the other continued.

"Subtlety in your pranks. The goal..." the ping pong dialogue continued, "is to humiliate, not eviscerate." Both shook their heads in unison, but then smiled. One of the two (he wasn't sure which one) leaned down and whispered, "but jolly on you for getting rid of the old bitty.

You've got stones the size of Stonehenge, you have."

And with that, the two abruptly released him, depositing him by the door to his next class. Confused, he entered the room to see McGonagall staring intently at him as he entered.

"Mr. Uzumaki!"

"Yes, Professor?"

"Do you have any intention of a repeat performance today? I'm rather attached to my kidneys."

"No, Professor."

Hermione was exasperated when he made it to the seventh floor later that day. No wasting any time on scolding him, she handed him her parchment with her additions. "We'd better figure this out before you get expelled."

"Gee, thanks." He replied.

"If you're going to go eviscerate people, you should target Death Eaters." She joked.

"Death Eaters?" Naruto frowned. "Who came up with that name?"

"The Death Eaters are scum who serve an evil wizard. The world will be a better place without them."

Naruto frowned. "What have they done?"

So Hermione told him. She recounted the rise of Voldemort, the role of his minions, and why they got away scot free.

"Do we know who they are?"

Hermione sneered. "Snape. Malfoy. Crabbe. Goyle… Basically, most of the House of Slytherin."

Frowning, he filed the info away, and turned back to the seal they'd been working on. He and Hermione made little progress that week. An owl arrived for the headmaster, setting a date for the hearing that was to coincide with the end of the semester, about a month away. Frantically, he raced to complete the seal while he could, as each day the date for which the Board of Governors crept closer. He abused his shadow clones worse than ever, making thousands upon thousands to try and complete it as best he could.

Finally, about a week away from the trial date, he managed to recreate the seal. Hermione checked it thoroughly, not catching anything that could be a computational error. With a great deal of flourish, he threw the Fourth's kunai.

Nothing.

Naruto banged his head on the wall.

* * *

Baa-chan,

This is going to sound silly, but… does anyone know how the Fourth triggered the Hiraishin justu? I need this pretty quick, as I'm close to figuring it out but don't know how to activate the seals once I've placed them. Oh, and tell Hinata that her chakra manipulation kicks ass. I don't have the control for it yet, but I'm working on it!

Love,

Naruto

Tsunade handed the letter over to Genma and Raidō. The two looked at each other. "Why should we tell him how to use it?"

Tsunade stared up at them. "How about because he's the Fourth's son?"

Genma's senbon fall from his mouth. Once he mentally rebooted, he quickly pulled out a brush and began to write down what he was told by the fourth, Raido commenting as he did so.

The toad popped into existence and landed on the bed, only to immediately have to jump out of the way as a bushy-haired witch flopped back, landing where he just was.

Hermione screamed, pulling the covers over her body. Naruto blinked. "Oh, hey Gama!"

The toad waved. "Hey yourself, Naruto. Who's this one?" The toad said. "I swear, you're worse than Jiraiya."

"This one?" Hermione asked. "And why is the toad talking?"

Naruto scratched the back of his head. "Remember what I told you about where I came from? He's from there. He's my pal." Thankful to have dodged her first question, he reached out to pick up Gamakichi. "Dude, stop talking about women. Got it?" He whispered.

"What's in it for me?" Gama whispered back.

"Candy, and lots of it. But if you don't shut up, you'll get me killed." Naruto whispered.

"Deal!" With that, the summon poofed away in a cloud of smoke, leaving only a scroll.

Hermione watched with wide eyes. "Real dimensional travel." She shuddered and moaned.

With a smirk, Naruto broke the seal on the scroll and started reading. Climbing out of the bed (much to Hermione's disappointment), he went over to the work bench with the scroll, picking up the Fourth's kunai. He made a single handed seal and closed his eyes, concentrating on the feeling of his chakra. With a flip, he tossed it towards a training dummy standing in the corner, eyes closed as he did so.

Thunk.

He opened his eyes. "I… felt that."

He turned to Hermione with a grin, holding up the scroll. Wordlessly, a large batch of clones shimmered into existence, each holding a copy of the scroll. The original Naruto turned to the clones. "Alright, boys, let's get to work. We've got a lot to do if we want to be able to use this at all."

One of the clones glanced down at the scroll. "Application by touch… Man. Why didn't we think of that?"

Hermione got out of bed and looked over his shoulder to the scroll. She reached around to pull the scroll out of his hands, staring at the calculations on the page.

"We don't have a lot of time before the hearing. What do you need me to do?"

Naruto shook his head. "I've just got to work on using it now. You should start trying to use it, as well, just to make sure you can."

* * *

AN: Part 1 - complete! Part 2, also complete. Will post in a few days.

~muishiki


	16. The Seventh Floor is Haunted - Part 2

As promised, part 2!

* * *

With a flourish, Ollivander presented a short box to Naruto. "This… is the best I was able to do. You were the most challenging customer I will ever have the privilege of fitting."

Naruto opened the box to see a silver tube resting on a plush purple lining. It was roughly two and a half fists long and about the diameter of thick broomstick. One end was slightly rounded, though the other was slightly convex and had some runes inscribed around the rim of the impression.

"It doesn't look like a wand." Naruto stated.

"No, it doesn't. Something tells me a wand will be of little use for you, but that this will serve you well for many years to come." Ollivander hefted the box a little in his direction. "Go on, give it a try."

Naruto reached for it, but before he could grab it, Ollivander cleared his throat. "Do be careful where you point it, will you?" He touched the convex end. "This is where the magic… should happen." He chuckled to himself.

Naruto picked up the cylinder. It felt… solid. It had a substantial heft, but was slightly lighter than if it were solid metal. It felt slightly cool to the touch, but didn't seem to warm up even though he was holding it in his hand. Very fine texturing covered the outside, giving additional grip without marring the almost reflective surface of the tube. "What's inside it?"

Ollivander chuckled. "Crystals suspended in liquefied air. They should serve to help refine and control your usage."

Naruto turned to thank him, but before he could do so Ollivander gently grabbed his hand and pointed the convex end away from his person. "Careful, now."

"Go on. Give it a try." Ollivander said.

Naruto gently fed some of his chakra into the metal. The smell of ozone filled the air and a short, electric blue arc jumped from the end of the wand to zap the nearest chunk of metal. Naruto's eyebrows rose to the top of his forehead as he stared at the wand. "Woah."

Ollivander grinned. "I expect you to do great things, Mr. Uzumaki. Now, that will be 35 galleons and 7 sickles, and 15 knuts."

Naruto sweat-dropped. "Umm… I don't have any money on me right now."

"Oh, I was planning on billing the school, anyway."

* * *

Naruto finished etching the last lines of the seal onto the base of his new wand. In addition to a copy of the seal for the Hiraishin, he had some other seals etched into the base to make it unsummonable (on Hermione's advice) and unbreakable. Once complete, Hermione charged the unbreakable runs as best she could, making the metal almost impervious to damage.

"So, what are you going to do if you get expelled?" She asked quietly.

Naruto scratched his chin. "I've been making almost zero progress on magic, so it might be possible that I can't learn it. If they choose to kick me out, I'll go on to the next dimension, I think."

Hermione stared at the ground. "Will that mean I won't see you again?"

Naruto scratched his head. "You know, no one's ever asked that before." He scratched his chin as he thought deeply. "I've never tried to return to a dimension I've visited before, since I've been looking to get home this whole time. But I bet I can figure out some way to either retrace my steps or find my way back to the dimensions I like."

"Well… The seal you made already crosses dimensional boundaries. Once you get it working, I'm sure you'll be able to cross back and forth pretty easily." Hermione hesitated. "What about the Death Eaters?"

"I promise that they'll never know what hit them."

* * *

The day of the trial arrived. Naruto sat in the Head Master's office, dressed in a set of formal robes borrowed from a fellow student. Dumbledore sat behind his desk, peering over the rims of his glasses as Naruto idly twirled his new wand through his fingers and around his hands.

"Are you ready for the trial?"

Naruto shrugged. "What do you think will happen?"

"I will escort you to the chamber, where you will be placed in a chair to answer questions before a board. You should answer truthfully and to the best of your ability. After that, we hope for the best." Dumbledore stood from his chair. "Honestly, Umbridge was not a popular figure, but she still has support. I am not… confident that you will not be expelled."

"And if I am?" Naruto asked.

"They you'll have to give up your wand." Dumbledore replied.

Naruto frowned at that. Even if he couldn't do magic with it, he was sufficiently attached to it already for what he _could_ do with it using his chakra. If they thought he'd be surrendering it, they were sorely mistaken.

The floo to Ministry was uncomfortable and dirty. As far as transportation methods went, this one was his least favorite so far. The Ministry's atrium was bustling, and the security check perfunctory. The witch behind the desk raised her eyebrows a bit at Naruto's wand, but otherwise didn't say much. He was given a badge that read "On trial for attempting to eviscerate an educator." He pinned it to his robes and was escorted by Dumbledore to the dungeon courtrooms. The courtroom itself was round, with a single high-backed stone chair sitting in a depression in the center of the chamber. Four stone steps led down to the chair, with rings of stadium style seating in parallel rings encircling the testimony chamber. The first row was started just at the above the back of the chair, and each subsequent row being several feet higher than the one before it, rising up from the center towards the back of room. When they entered, the benches above were filled with witches and wizards, their faces indistinguishable in the dim lighting.

Dumbledore motioned for him to sit in the single chair.

Naruto did as instructed. Upon taking a seat, he found himself unable to rise, as though he were stuck to the chair. In the same fashion, his hands were glued to the chair. A man in robes that obscured his face came down the stairs and stood beside the chair.

There was the banging of a gavel on table. "Now that the defendant has arrived, we may proceed. Today we are to determine the guilt of Uzumaki Naruto in an attempt against the life of a Ministry employee."

Dumbledore stood up. "I presume you mean innocence?"

A person in a cowled robe leaned forward. "Are you acting as his barrister?"

"Errr… No." Dumbledore hemmed. "Simply stating for the record that the defendant is presumed innocent until found guilty."

"Enough. Administer the veritaserum." Umbridge's voice called out.

Dumbledore stood again. "Really, Dolores? Is that necessary? Veritaserum? He's only a child."

"A child that attempted to murder me. If it were up to me, I'd just call in the Dementors and be done with it." Delores cleared her throat. "Since that isn't possible, at least this way we can get this over with quickly. Administer the potion."

The man next to Naruto pulled out his wand and immobilized him with a jinx. His mouth was force open, and three drops of clear liquid were placed on his tongue. Naruto felt a tug at his navel, and soon he found himself standing before the cage that imprisoned the Kyuubi. The beast was standing, its tails waving furiously behind it.

"How did I get here?" Naruto asked.

**_"i pulled you here". _**The Kyuubi roared.

"Why?"

**_"The fools in this chamber seek to try and bind my vessel and reveal my secrets." _**The giant fox snorted. **_"Give me control of your body, and I shall smite them and send them to the ninth circle of hell where traitors belong."_**

"Umm… I'm not sure that's a good idea." Naruto responded.

**_"It would be worse to spill your secrets. Once they know what we are capable of, you shall never leave this dimension. I've learned what I wanted; there is nothing more that would keep me here." _**

Naruto peered up at the Kyuubi. "You mean you know how to make magic work?"

**_"I am made of and control the forces of nature." _** The Kyuubi snorted. **_"Magic is one of those forces. It was integral to my creation but not seen in the Elemental Nations since. I had but a dim memory of it and little experience in using it, but that problem has been rectified."_**

"Can you teach me, then? What am I doing wrong? Why can't I use it?" Naruto said.

The Kyuubi narrowed its eyes and glared at Naruto. **"Presumptuous mortal, currying favors as though I had to appease you. What incentive do I have to teach you, when you keep me prisoner here?"**

"It's not like I want to, but I can't let you out. You destroy things." Naruto said.

**"It is my nature." **

"Are you sure you can't teach me something?"

**"I can teach you. However, I would not do so lightly or freely. Do you seek to Bargain?"** Something about the weight with which the Kyuubi infused the word made Naruto pause.

Naruto paused. "Um... No. At least… not yet. Not till I'm ready, I guess."

**"Then we have nothing else to discuss. If you will not relinquish control, I must flood your body with my power to counteract the drug you have been fed. Keep your mind open so that you might hear me."**

"Um… Thanks?"

**"Don't thank me. This is going to hurt worse than having Sasuke's chidori shoved through your chest." **Red chakra seeped through the bars, diffusing into the water in Naruto's sewer mindscape. The water took on a reddish tinge, as did the pipes circulating chakra throughout his body. **"Be gone." **

Whereas he had been standing in the halls of his mind, Naruto returned to awareness in the courtroom. He wished he hadn't. It felt like fire ran through his veins. Even his brain hurt from the intensity of the pain. Each beat of his heart only made it flare. The Kyuubi was right. This was, without a doubt, the most intense pain he'd experienced to date. Gritting his teeth, he tried not to moan as the intensity of the feeling seemed only to increase.

"What is your name?" Asked Umbridge.

Naruto felt his mouth open as words tried to form on his lips. The pain was the only reason he didn't respond immediately to the question.

"Well? What is your name?" Umbridge snapped.

Naruto tried to relax his jaw. He couldn't, so ended up spitting out his last name through clenched teeth. "Uzumaki… Naruto."

"Where are you from?" A faceless jury member asked.

Naruto felt a compulsion to blurt out an answer. However, the pain helped fight the compulsion, giving him time to think, even though the pain made it almost impossible. Eventually, he decided there was no harm in telling people. "Konoha."

"Where is that?"

A pause. Rather than say the Elemental Nations, Naruto ground out "Sainsbury." This seemed to satisfy the lot.

Umbridge leaned forward and adjusted her glasses. "Why did you try to murder a Hogwart's professor?"

"I didn't." He replied.

"You lie!" She screeched. "You tried to stab me in the back."

"I… can't lie." Naruto pointed out. "And I did not stab you in the back."

"Then why did you throw a knife at me?" Umbridge demanded.

"I… did not throw a knife at you." Naruto replied. It was true. It was a kunai, which has some important distinctions from a traditional throwing knife.

"Admit it! You tried to kill me."

"That… is not true."

And so the trial proceeded. Umbridge asked nebulous questions about his "attempt on her life," to which Naruto responded with short answers that addressed only specific details. After twenty minutes of questioning, the magistrates had little additional information. Umbridge was frothing at the mouth, and Naruto's calm, measured responses threw off their normal expectations, given that most people under the influence of veritaserum suffered from verbal diarrhea. For his part, Naruto felt as if the pain was starting to recede. His mind was a bit clearer now, and it was becoming easier to focus. The compulsion was beginning to fade. He suspected the Kyuubi was closed to removing the last remnants of the potion from his system.

The magistrates began to mutter back and forth between themselves. Eventually someone reined Umbridge in, and Naruto was told to leave the room. He was not to be expelled, but placed under close supervision for the remainder of his time at Hogwarts. Any additional incidents of this manner would be noted and be used to restart expulsion proceedings.

A physically and mentally exhausted Naruto staggered out of the floo in the headmaster's office and staggered off to the 7th floor. The room of requirement welcomed him back, a bed already in place for him to crash. He was awoken later by a bemused Luna.

"Hermione's cutting a groove in the rug outside trying to get in." Luna stated.

"Why don't we let her in, then?" Naruto asked.

Luna shook her head. "Not yet. Naruto, don't bargain with the thing you contain unless you are absolutely sure of what you will get out of the deal."

Naruto blinked. "What?"

Luna blinked back. "What?"

"What did you say just now?"

Luna cocked her head and placed her index finger on her chin as she thought. "Hmm… Don't know."

Naruto sat up. "No, really. What did you just say?"

Luna shrugged her shoulders. "No clue. But you fell asleep with your pants on. How am I supposed to wake you with sex if you aren't naked? Congratulations on not getting thrown out of school, by the way."

* * *

"Harry?"

"Hermione? Where've you been? We've not seen you in weeks!" Harry held up a hand. "Don't tell me – getting ready for OWLs, right?" Harry's voice dropped to a whisper. "Ron's going spare, you know. He won't admit it, but I think the bloke's not the same without you around. And we definitely need your help in the DA."

"About that…" Hermione flushed. Actually, she'd forgotten all about her tests in the rush of figuring out the seal Naruto had presented her with. And Ron… well he frankly hadn't crossed her mind since she'd opened her legs. And she didn't regret it for an instant. Hermione was a realist. She didn't love Naruto, but the attraction was unmistakable, and like Luna said, he was definitely fun in bed. The stuff they were working on would change the world once it worked. "I'm definitely working on something. Look, before the holidays come, do you think you can get Dobby to help out with something?

Harry gave her a funny look. "Why would you want Dobby to help you do something? Isn't that against your principles?"

Hermione huffed. "Yes, but he can do something I can't. So, I need his help."

"Alright. If you need him, just call him. He's a free elf, you know. He'll help if he wants."

* * *

The real Naruto sidled up to Malfoy in the great hall before breakfast. Malfoy gave him a look out of the corner of his eye.

"What do you want, firstie?"

Naruto pulled out a kunai and twirled it between his fingers, making a great show of flourishing the blade. "Not much. I hear that you have… connections to a certain organization that might have use for someone who enjoys a bit of wet work."

"Wet… work?" Malfoy looked puzzled.

Naruto stopped flourishing the knife and used it instead to stab a sausage, taking a bite from the link impaled on the end of this blade. "Dirty deeds done dirt cheap."

Malfoy snorted. "I have no idea what you are talking about. And even if I did, why should I be bothered to tell you about it? For all appearances, you can barely even do magic."

Naruto waved the impaled sausage bag and forth, tisk-tisking as he did so. "There are many kinds of magic. I just happen to specialize at a few of them. Transformation. Potions. Granted, they might be skills that are less flashy than some magics, but very useful for certain activities."

"And the value in that is…?"

Naruto finished his sausage and licked the tip of his blade clean. "Well, you saw what happened to Umbridge."

Malfoy scowled. "Yeah, way to cock up a good thing. She was giving us the power to do what we wanted, and now there is no longer an Inquisitorial Squad, no thanks to you."

"Sorry about that. But in my defense, I did get away scot free." Naruto shrugged.

Malfoy turned to look at him. "How did you manage that?" he asked, interested for the first time.

Naruto smirked. "Trade secret. Let's just say veritaserum can be beat. You just got to know how." With that, he stood up from the table. "If you know anyone who's looking for a willing body that's not afraid to get their hands dirty, I just want it to be known that I'm on the market. I'm discrete, efficient, and for hire."

Malfoy watched the other blond leave, chewing on the corner of his lip.

The Christmas holidays arrived. Trunks were piled in the great hall as students prepared to depart for vacation.

Naruto and Dobby stood in a doorway, peering out at the assembled trunks. "Which ones did you say belong to the Death Eater's?"

Dobby pointed out the trunks of Malfoy, Goyle, and Crabbe.

With a nod of thanks, Naruto sprinted to the trunks and slapped a seal on the bottoms of the ones Dobby had identified. He'd not yet mastered the art of paperless seals, but a bit of fancy wand work by Hermione had made his paper tag nearly impossible to spot and even harder to remove. Making sure the tags were properly stuck to the underside of the Slytherin's trunks, Naruto made a quick hand seal and formed shadow clones. They transformed into roaches and stowed away in each luggage compartment, squeezing in between the lid and the body.

The ride on the train was boring, for the most part. The clones eavesdropped on the students in Malfoy's compartment, but not much was said of note. The boys joked about women (in the way that only virgins do) and about how superior they were to everyone else. When the train started to slow, Naruto's clones crawled back into the luggage.

Once the movement stopped, the clones carefully crawled free of their confines and stated to explore their locations. The Malfoy manor was huge, though empty. Naruto explored the grounds almost with impunity, placing as many seals as he could in areas that looked important. The Goyle house was less extravagant, and the aesthetics of the location mirrored the mental facilities of its inhabitants. The Crabbe house was similarly unappealing. Attaching a bug to the robes of each house's namesake was easy in the case of Crabbe and Goyle, but less so in the case of the Malfoy's.

The opportunity finally presented itself at dinner. Naruto hitched a ride on Draco's pant leg, and once the family was seated around the table and being served by house elves, he was able to quietly make his way to the other end of the table where Lucius sat. The clone Naruto, in insect form, attached itself to Lucius' robes unobserved, and settled in for a long wait.

Dinner itself was a very restrained affair, with the elder scion grilling the younger on his perceived failings and asking for details on his efforts to discredit Dumbledore now that Umbridge was no longer at Hogwarts. As the questions from the older Malfoy trailed off, the younger Malfoy reported Naruto's proposition to his father, to which the older man said nothing. He did, however, raise an eyebrow.

When Lucius ported away later that evening to meet with Voldemort, he was unaware of his passenger. The elder Crabbe and Goyle also had hitchhikers.

The Death Eaters knelt in a circle around Voldemort, heads down and responsive to his commands. They went around the circle in order, reporting the progress on their projects and awaiting new orders. Naruto's clones each divided up their chakra as carefully as possible and created copies of themselves and dispersed around the room, attaching to each Death Eater present in the room. The meeting was short, and the group was summarily dismissed.

Malfoy, however, lingered behind. This was not lost on Voldemort.

"Yes, Lucius? You have something to add?" The dark wizard said.

"There seems to be a young child in Hogwarts by the name of Uzumaki Naruto. His background is unknown. However, he seeks…" Malfoy paused, not sure how best to phrase his words. "He is in the Slytherin House, and seems sympathetic to our cause. He's been observed successfully baiting a rather obnoxious mudblood in Hogwarts and escaping punishment. Though only a first year, he seems to exhibit some very admirable qualities, including the lack of compunction or remorse, as he was the one responsible for the attack on Umbridge."

Voldemort idly fingered his wand. "And?"

"More notable, perhaps, is not that he was successful in his attempt, but that he got away with it due to a resistance to veritaserum.

"Resistant to veritaserum?" Voldemort questioned. "Can this be confirmed?"

"Yes, my lord. I can have Draco do so if you wish." Malfoy stated. "The young man approached Draco seeking, as he called it, 'wet work.'"

"A mercenary, then." Voldemort twirled his wand. "Intriguing. Have young Draco test this… resistance. If he passes, then I will design some tests for the young man to see if he is simply a sell sword or more worthy of our attentions."

Malfoy bowed and withdrew.

* * *

Being left alone in the castle over the winter break was rather boring. Hermione had chosen to go skiing with her parents, Luna was at home, as had most of the other students. He'd already committed the names and faces of the Death Eaters who had attended the meeting to memory, as well as the location of their houses.

He spent a vast majority of this time in the room of requirement with hundreds of his clones practicing techniques and trying to work on magic with his wand. He chakra control was just improving by leaps and bounds, but his ability to make magic manifest was still dismal. The Kyuubi was little help, and Luna's warning about bargaining with the beast was very much on his mind.

Naruto fingered one of the Fourth's special kunai. Concentrating on his chakra, he threw the knife across the room… and caught it before it hit the wall by activating the seal on the handle. Twirling the kunai with his fingers, he grinned. It was time to put his plan into action.

* * *

With a yellow flash, Naruto clones appeared in the houses of Death Eaters across the U.K. Each one had its orders. It would take time to implement this plan properly, but the payoff would definitely be worth it.

* * *

With a brief flash, Naruto appeared in Diagon Alley. He was grinning ear to ear - the jutsu was just that AWESOME! No wonder the Fourth had been unstoppable. Well, now the ninja back home could add Naruto Uzumaki to that list, because nothing was going to be able to stop him now.

He leaned against the wall as he watched the foot traffic flow in and out of Gringott's bank. Glancing around, he made a clone next to him. "You know what to do."

It nodded. In a blink it transformed into a bird, and flew in the direction of the bank. It transformed again mid-air, changing into a fruit fly. The clone landed on an unsuspecting customer as they entered into the bank.

Naruto flashed away.

* * *

Students returned to school. There was general merriment as students caught up in common rooms and corridors. However, in the Slytherin room, Malfoy and his goons were busy talking to Naruto in his room.

Malfoy waved a small potion vial in front of Naruto's face. "You said you could resist this stuff. Now it's time to prove it." He pulled the stopper from bottle. "One drop."

Naruto sniffed the potion. "Do I have to do this now?"

"Yes." Malfoy stated. "If you refuse, you won't get asked again."

"Okay." Naruto sighed. This was going to suck. He took the potion dropper and applied a single drop on his tongue. Like last time, he felt the Kyuubi's chakra coursing through his veins and the agony that accompanied it.

"If you really can resist this potion, then you must prove you can lie to me even under the influence of the potion, okay?" Malfoy said.

Naruto grunted.

"What color is this?" Malfoy held up a white piece of paper.

"Black." Naruto ground out.

The three Slytherins blinked and looked at each other. With that simple statement, Naruto had turned everything they knew about veritaserum on its head. They asked a few more simple questions, just to be sure it wasn't a fluke. When the questions were over, the three filed out of Naruto's room, muttering to themselves as they went to the owlery to report back to Draco's father.

* * *

Naruto was on the seventh floor sorting through memories from his clones when Hermione and Luna came in. The two were chatting as they closed the door.

"… not natural to share like we've been doing. But if I have to I will. It's just that I _was _stuck with Ron for the last half of the break." Hermione trailed off.

Luna noted Naruto's expression. "Looks like hanky-panky will have to wait. Naruto has good news for us. Right?"

Naruto nodded. "Indeed." With a flash, he appeared behind them, one arm draped over the shoulder of each girl.

Hermione's eyes widened. "It… works?"

"It does." Naruto grinned. "Now, I just want to test…" With a flash, they disappeared, reappearing again in Diagon Alley, "if I can transport people with it."

Luna blinked. "That was… the best form of transport I've ever used."

Hermione, for her part, pulled Naruto towards the book store. "I'm going to buy a book, and then you are going to take us back to Hogwarts, and then we're going to shag you silly. Once we're done, you are going to help us figure out how we," she pointed to herself and Luna, "can make this work for us."

Luna beamed. "I like that plan. Can I get some ice cream first?"

"Ice cream?" Naruto asked.

"Yes. And cherries. Oh! And whipped cream. I'm going to be making a banana split. You have to provide the banana, though."

* * *

Much later, Hermione, Luna, and Naruto sat in a circle on the now thoroughly rumpled bed on the seventh floor. The remnants of their previous activities (included the melted ice cream) had long since been banished from the bed sheets since Hermione wanted a clean workspace to aide her concentration. She relentlessly hounded Naruto as he tried to explain how he used chakra to power the seal. She dissected, questioned, and catalogued everything he had to say, including any information he had on how students in his world were instructed on how to find and utilize their chakra.

The first step, before anything, was meditation exercises. Naruto hadn't been good at these as a kid. Hell, he still wasn't good at them. And trying to teach Hermione, with her incessant need to know and thirst for information, was going to be painful.

* * *

Voldemort reviewed the contents of Malfoy's letter. "So it seems to be true."

"Yes, my Lord." Lucius replied.

"Interesting." Voldemort said. "Do you think this young mercenary would be of value to our cause?"

"I do not know, my lord." Lucius stated. "Do you wish for me to have a meeting arranged?"

"I dislike mercenaries." Voldemort said. "Loyalty to coin is never as strong as loyalty to a cause. However, his resistance could be of use. Let us set up a meeting, and I will test him."

* * *

The meditation sessions with Hermione and Luna turned into attempts to harness his magic. Attempts so far continued to be unsuccessful. Frustrated, Naruto turned to the only resource that might possibly help.

Standing ankle deep in water, Naruto's entreaties to the chakra beast so far had proven fruitless.

"Awww… Don't be like that! Teach me!" Naruto whined.

**"No." **The Kyuubi snorted and retreated into its cage.

"But…" Naruto started. "It's not fair that you know how to do magic and I still can't get it to work."

**"Tough. Unless you are willing to Bargain, then no." **The giant beast closed its eyes. **"Leave. You are annoying." **

"Oh yeah? Well you're a… you're a…" Naruto trailed off. "Actually, I can't think of an insult sufficiently strong for what you are."

**"And you are an idiot. Hopefully your idiocy isn't contagious, or you will doom us both."**

* * *

The semester progressed. It wasn't until late in the spring that Naruto heard back from the Slytherins about his proposal.

"Uzumaki."

Naruto stopped in the hall to allow Draco and his wingmen to catch up. When they did, Draco nodded his head in the direction of an empty classroom. Together the group ducked into the room and closed the door behind them.

"What's up?" Naruto asked.

Draco pulled out a piece of parchment and handed it over. "This parchment is for you. Read the message, and then burn it."

Naruto grabbed the parchment. "Fair enough. Do you know what this is about?"

Draco shrugged. "I don't know, and I don't care to know. It's safer that way for all of us." He turned to leave the classroom. "I've also been told to tell you that if you mess up, you are on your own." The three Slytherin fifth years quickly left the classroom, leaving Naruto alone with the letter. Scanning it quickly to ensure it was safe to open, Naruto broke the seal on the parchment and read the contents.

Naruto clucked his tongue a bit as he read the message, checking the date. He had a week before the supposed meeting. It seemed like it would be time to put his plan into action now before it was too late.

* * *

Naruto was putting the finishing touches on his sealing scrolls and handing them off to his latest batch of clones when Hermione and Luna stormed into seventh floor room that had become his more or less permanent quarters.

He handed the last scroll to a clone, and as a group several dozen disappeared in a yellow flash. Hermione narrowed her eyes as the clones left, staring intently at Naruto.

Luna frowned. "What are you planning?"

Naruto shook his head. "Best you don't know. That way, you can tell the truth if questioned."

Luna shook her head. "You're going to do something stupidly dangerous, aren't you?" It was less a question and more a confirmation.

Naruto chuckled. "Yeah, I am. I'm off to meet with this Voldemort guy. I'll tell you about it when I get back."

"Let me get this straight." Hermione said. "You're going, willingly, to go meet with Voldemort? Why do you want to meet with man who thinks nothing of torture, murder, blood purity, and mind control?" If the tone of her voice hadn't clued him in to the fact she was pissed, the throbbing vein on her forehead certainly did.

Luna eyes were uncharacteristically focused and her expression grim. She said nothing, though, preferring to let Hermione do the talking.

Naruto held his hands up defensively. "It's not as bad as it sounds…" He paused. "Well, actually, it is. But it's not like I'm going to join, or anything. He knows I'm a mercenary, and I made it known I was looking for work. I've been waiting for this for a while."

"The bushy-haired witch crossed her arms under her breasts. "We don't need you to spy on Voldemort for us, Naruto. Harry's got that covered with his scar," she said.

"I am not going to spy. Just trust me on this. Look – I wouldn't have told you this much, but I know you'd probably try to figure out what I'd be doing. I'll be safe, I promise." He said. Hermione opened her mouth to protest, but Naruto cut her off. "Look, we've already established that the anti-apparition wards don't affect the Hiraishin. So, worst case scenario and things go wrong, I can book it back here."

"It won't go as planned." Luna said simply.

Naruto smirked. "It rarely does, but I'll improvise."

Luna shook her head. "Avoid anything that casts a green light. Even the smallest touch will kill."

Naruto paused. "Good advice. Anything else?"

Hermione shook her head. "No, but you are in deep shit when you get back."

"I expected as much." Naruto said. Naruto got a burst of memory from a dispelled clone that let him know the time had arrived and the coast was clear. "Well, ladies, that was my signal. I'm off. Don't stay up for me, because this will probably take a while."

* * *

AN: Part 2 - complete and ready to go. This was written quickly and in a rush, so I anticipate there were mistakes and continuity errors. But this is a crack fic, so who gives a f&^* about continuity?


	17. The Seventh Floor is Haunted - Part 3

Naruto appeared in a Diagon Alley in flash of light. He took to the roofs to avoid notice, but not before donning a heavy black robe with a matching cowl to shield his face. Once he was on top of the Gringott's bank, he was joined by the clones he had sent on ahead.

"Everyone knows what they're supposed to be doing, right? All the clones are in place?" The original Naruto said.

"Yeap. We're good to go. We've got this operation covered." The group replied in unison.

"Good." Naruto nodded. "Get to it, and don't make us look bad." The clones saluted and vanished, moving towards their pre-ordained positions. With that, Naruto roof-hopped in the direction of Knockturn Alley, dropping to the ground before arriving at the meeting place to walk the last 50 meters. He slipped into a poorly lit back alley barely wide enough to walk in without his shoulders brushing the wall. The footing underneath squelched as he walked and each step caused the smell of rotting things to rise. The alley ended in a junction, and Naruto followed the directions he'd memorized earlier, heading deeper into the dark underbelly of the area.

Eventually, the alleyways ended in a small courtyard. Before entering the courtyard, however, Naruto made a clone. It nodded and took to the roofs. The windows looking into the square were all either shuttered or boarded over on the first floor, and the second floor windows were cracked or covered in a thick film of dust. There were only two entrances to the alley – the one he'd just arrived in and a small archway opposite that was blocked by a locked wrought-iron gate.

A hooded figure stepped out of the shadows under the archway, Death Eater mask just visible under the cowl and a black wand clutched in the right hand. Wordlessly, the figure flicked the wand, causing an old boot to land in the center of the courtyard where Naruto was standing. Naruto was commanded to place a hand on the boot; as soon as he did so he felt the familiar tugging sensation behind his navel and blurring of landscape he'd come to associate with portkeys.

Up on the roof, the clone vanished in a puff of smoke. Around town, the various clones Naruto had sent on ahead moved as the signal was received.

The journey was short. He found himself in an old, rundown warehouse that was lit only by the moonlight coming through gaps in the roof. Naruto placed a seal on the boot and tossed it into the darkness. His action provoked movement, as a number of black-cloaked figures stepped out of the shadows to form a ring around him. Each had a wand out, and they were all pointing it at him.

The silence was broken by the sound of a large body slithering across dusty concrete. The circle of bodies widened enough for a very large snake entered the circle. Naruto shuddered, remembering his experience in the Forest of Death back in Konoha and his brief, one-sided battle against Orochimaru. A tall, willowy person followed after the snake, and the circle closed ranks behind him.

Unlike the others in the circle, he was not wearing a mask. His cowl was thrown back, leaving his pale, chalk-white skin exposed. His face was skull-like, with snake slits for nostrils, red eyes, and cat-like slits for pupils. He was completely void of any traces of facial hair; his skull was completely bare as well. Skeletally thin, his fingers were unnaturally long as they delicately held his wand.

"I… am… Lord Voldemort."

"Umm… Hi?" Naruto said.

A couple of the Death Eaters in the circle shifted uneasily, but did not move. Voldemort began to walk counterclockwise in the circle, keeping his eyes trained on Naruto as Nagini trailed behind him. Voldemort completed a full circle before saying anything else.

"Naruto Uzumaki, yes?"

Naruto nodded, eyes trained on Voldemort's hands as the wizard continued to pace.

"Everything about this was… highly unusual… " Voldemort said. "It is unusual that an unknown, unaffiliated first year student at Hogwarts would actively seek employment in support of a wizard with a political agenda."

Naruto shrugged. "If you say so."

"It is also… highly unusual that such a child would not only attack a teacher, but target an unpopular one planted in the school by the Ministry, and even more unusual that such a child would have a resistance to veritaserum." Voldemort said. "Then the child seeks me out. It sounds… too coincidental. I found myself wondering what you would stand to gain from seeking me out. Based on reports I have received from my… confederates located at your institution, nothing about your behavior indicates a deep-seated affiliation with our ideology."

Naruto parsed the phrase over several times. Nope. Still didn't understand. He shifted his stance a bit, keeping Voldemort in his field of vision as the taller wizard continued to circle.

"It was easy to deduce that you have an ulterior motive and that you are either bravely stupid or stupidly brave." Voldemort paused. "I predict is that it is the second of the two." He stopped pacing. "So, brave, foolish child, before you die here today, I intend to find out what it is you had hoped to gain from seeking to join my forces, and who put you up to it." With a flick of Voldemort's wand, the ground around Naruto was transfigured into a chair that was very similar to that which he'd been forced to sit during his trial in the Ministry of Magic.

Unlike the Ministry chair, however, this one actively reached for him, pulling him down on to the seat and restraining him. Naruto tried to pull his arms away but found them firmly stuck to the chair. He struggled only briefly, though. It was no use wasting the energy or time to get out of this at the moment, as he needed a few more minutes for his plan to unfold.

Voldemort ceased his pacing and stood in front of the chair, looking down at the restrained ninja. Nagini wrapped around the base of the chair and reared up to eye level, flicking her tongue back and forth as she tasted the air.

"Interesting…" Voldemort murmured. "You don't smell of fear when exposed to Nagini. Why is that, I wonder?"

Restrained as he was, Naruto couldn't shrug. "I've seen bigger snakes." He said. "There was this one guy, back home, called Orochimaru-teme. He was a lot like you, now that I think about it. Anyway, Orochimaru – now he had snakes. He had this one snake, called Manda, which was absolutely colossal. That thing could probably swallow this warehouse."

Voldemort didn't have eyebrows to raise, but his eyes did widen slightly. "I've not heard of a serpent that large before."

"Serpent envy?" Naruto asked.

"Nagini has adequately satisfied to date." Voldemort frowned. "Now – as to why you are here…" Voldemort raised his wand. However, before he could cast a spell, a flurry of owls came in through the roof, dropping off scrolls of parchment before some of the assemble Death Eaters. The Death Eaters in question retrieved the messages and opened them, and a sense of agitation went through the circle.

"Well?" Questioned Voldemort.

The Death Eaters who had received scrolls all bowed. "My Lord…" one began.

"Spit it out, Lucius." Voldemort snapped.

"It's Gringotts, my Lord." Malfoy stated. "They report there was an attempt to infiltrate their vaults just moments ago. They do not yet have a report of the damages. However, if you have received this notification…" he held up the scroll, "then there was an attempt on the vault belonging to the owner. The perpetrators have not yet been found."

Voldemort's eyes narrowed. "Any indication if they were successful in their attempt?"

Malfoy lowered his head. "None, my Lord. Gringotts requests the owners' immediate presence to verify the condition and contents of the vaults."

"Those of you who have received an owl, respond." Voldemort commanded. "Bellatrix, a moment, if you would."

The summoned Death Eater came forward and knelt. She was a tall woman with long, thick black hair that shone, with heavy lidded eyes, thin lips, and a strong jaw. She would have been a good looking if she didn't seem so crazed. The very mention of her name from Voldemort's lips caused her to grin.

"Bellatrix. My best lieutenant…" Voldemort said. "Ensure that the token entrusted to you remains."

She bowed and departed with a pop. Even with the departure of the dozen or so Death Eaters who received a notice, twice the number remained behind. The circle shifted to accommodate the missing members, and having done so Voldemort turned once again to Naruto. "What to do with you, young mercenary." Voldemort began pacing again. "I suppose I could just pull the information I seek from your mind, as that would be quickest. But, where is the fun in that?" A dark chuckle broke out around the circle. Voldemort raised a hand, and the laughter died instantly.

"I dislike coincidences." Voldemort said. "There have been many coincidences since receiving your letter. The latest of which is Gringotts." He turned to face Naruto. "_Crucio._"

Naruto grunted when the pain hit. It was instant and everywhere, but it was far from the worst thing he had ever felt. Having the Kyuubi's corrosive chakra circulate in his body hurt worse than this curse; and that was nothing in comparison to the pain he felt from having his skin burnt off by corrosive biju chakra when he went into a four-tailed state.

That wasn't to say the cruciatus didn't hurt at all. It was pretty damn painful, no mistake about it, but the worst pain the caster thought possible paled in comparison to the worst pain _actually _possible. Voldemort let up after a minute. Naruto took a deep breath, trying to get air to his lungs and relax as much as possible to ease the effects of the pain.

Voldemort noticed. "Resilient, aren't you?" He Naruto with the curse again, eliciting another grunt. "This will be more interesting that I expected." He held the curse a bit more, before letting it go.

"Aren't you supposed to ask me questions before torturing me?" Naruto asked.

Voldemort cocked his head. "Whatever gave you that idea?"

"I mean, isn't that the standard plot progression? The hero gets caught trying to stop the villain, and the villain threatens to torture the protagonist to extract information. Then, the protagonist is supposed to hold out to buy time until some miraculous rescue operation can be staged or the hero manages to extricate his or herself from trouble. Am I right?" Naruto said.

"So, you see yourself as the hero of this particular tale?" Voldemort asked.

"Well, the author has devoted way too much time to this story and has written almost a novel's worth of material for it, so I guess it kind of does make me the hero." Naruto replied.

"How do you know that?" Voldemort asked.

"Know what?" Naruto replied.

The two stared at each other for a moment. Voldemort pointed an accusing hand at Naruto. "You are ruining the dramatic tension of the moment."

"Sorry." Naruto replied. "I guess I've been hanging around Luna too much."

Voldemort cleared his throat. "Yes, well, back to the subject of general villainy and why your average run-of-the-mill antagonist never succeeds. Those who are less than completely ruthless and have goals that are beyond reasonable never succeed." Voldemort said. "I have no compunction. I don't need you to be able to talk to get the information from you. I simply can't kill you yet. And thus… _crucio._" He held the curse longer this time, dropping it only after Naruto started to thrash back and forth. "And I've already achieved my goal of immortality, so…" he grinned wickedly. "I guess that means that you'll not survive this little encounter." He brought his wand back up to bear. "I do so enjoy my work."

* * *

At Gringotts, the various Death Eaters were quickly escorted to their vaults. Bellatrix sneered at the goblin that escorted her to the vault door, not bothering to learn its name. It pointed out a large circular hole that penetrated nearly all the way through the vault door. A small patch at the very center, no larger than a galleon coin, actually had been opened, showing the contents of the safe to any eye brave enough to peer through.

"As you can see, something tried to punch a hole in the vault door." The goblin said. "It had to have been extremely powerful to have made it this far before the vault's protections kicked in. We have not found a body and cannot identify the magic used. An attack of this scale is simply unprecedented in Gringotts history. "

"And the other vaults?" Bellatrix asked.

"The vaults of lesser security were actually breached, and opened in much the same manner. I have not seen yet what, if anything, was taken from those vaults, but my colleagues are investigating the break-ins now." The goblin said.

"Open the door." Bellatrix commanded. The goblin placed his palm on the door, causing it to open. Bellatrix contemptuously strode passed him into the vault, canceling the security charms in place to prevent theft. Nothing looked out of place; all the coins were still neatly stacked in piles, and the various other precious artifacts were still covered in a thin layer of dust. The cup, entrusted to her by Voldemort, remained in its alcove. Bellatrix performed a quick charm; everything seemed to still be in place.

The only thing that was out of place was a single gold coin in the middle of the vault floor near her feet. Bellatrix frowned down at it, and kicked it towards the back of the vault. With that, she walked through the piles of coins to where the cup was stored. She removed the additional protections, and pulling the cup down, checked to see that it was indeed Voldemort's horcrux.

The magic in the cup was unchanged. Satisfied, she barked. "Goblin!" Bellatrix barked. Not receiving the instant reply she expected, she turned around only to see that the goblin in question was unconscious and bound and gagged on the floor behind her. A familiar blond-haired person was crouched over the body, putting the finishing touches on a rather complicated knot that trussed the victim's feet and hands together in a manner that caused great pain during escape.

"You!" Bellatrix hissed. "How did you get here?"

Naruto stood up, wiping his palms together as he did so. "Who said I ever left?"

She narrowed her eyes at him. In a flash, her wand was in her hand, and a green killing curse flashed forth. Her eyes widened in surprise when he made no move to dodge it. Instead, it passed right through where he was standing to fly off harmlessly into the darkness of the caverns.

Naruto cleaned his ear with a pinky, acting bored.

"An illusion." Bellatrix stated. "What do you hope to accomplish here?"

"I've already accomplished, it, actually." Naruto said. "Oh, and before I forget, I'm not sorry about this."

Before she could puzzle out what he meant, a sharp pain blossomed in her chest. She looked down in horror to see the point of a blade sticking out the front of her ribs, her life's blood flowing freely from the wound. Before she could react, though, a second blade severed her head at the neck. Her head bounced once before rolling to a stop near a pile of coins. Her body fell forward, landing in an undignified heap as gravity took over.

The bunshin at the entrance to the vault vanished, and the clone that had been posing as the coin pulled out a few sealing scrolls. The clone sealed Bellatrix's body when into one. The loot from the vault went into the other, though he found that he needed several to store the vast quantities of gold and silver present. Naruto left the bronze knuts sitting in the now empty vault; it would take more work to convert the bronze into money as it had little value as a commodity.

That done, the clone made another shadow clone which instantly dispelled. Memories sent to the original, the clone disappeared in a flash of yellow light. Around Gringotts, similar events were unfolding. The Death Eaters who responded to the goblin's summons were all slain the moment the vault doors were open and protection removed. Their bodies were sealed into scrolls while the vaults were emptied, and one by one the clones flashed away.

* * *

Voldemort paused in his casting as the magic imbued in his dark mark returned to him, telling him of the passing of a dozen of his strongest supporters. He looked up in fury. "What have you done?"

Naruto grinned through the pain as the memories from Gringotts returned to him. "Time for that miraculous rescue operation," Naruto said.

Voldemort raised his wand. "Avada Kedavra!"

Naruto disappeared in a flash of yellow. Around the circle, Death Eaters toppled forward to their knees before falling face first on the floor. Each had a kunai embedded in their backs, piercing their hearts. They were dead before they hit the floor. The clones that had done the deed quickly jumped away into the shadows.

Voldemort saw the bodies on the floor and his rage exploded. A wave of magic erupted from his wand, radiating outwards from where he stood in all directions, targeting everything in his immediate vicinity. There were no incantations, no complicated wand movements – his magic reacted to his rage, and reducing the area around him to molten slag in an instant. Naruto flashed away to a seal in the rafters placed there earlier by a cone, but even still his clothes were smoking from the intense heat. Concrete exploded, sending shrapnel everywhere and taking a good number of clones that had escaped the heat with it. The shrapnel itself was molten hot, setting everything it touched on fire. In a matter of moments, much of the warehouse was already on fire or reduced to rubble from Voldemort's first wave of magic.

The bodies of the Death Eaters had not escaped his wrath. They had been reduced to ashes; little remained except for the occasional lump of ash or charred bone fragment. Voldemort and Nagini stood in a small bubble of protection.

Nagini tasted the air, searching for the object of her master's wrath. However, before she could look up, Naruto threw a tagged kunai as hard as he could, sending it through her eye socket and pinning her skull to the floor. The explosive tag wrapped around the hilt blew up spectacularly, spraying blood and gore on Voldemort. Unlike most villains, Voldemort wasted no time in exposition; he retaliated immediately and with extreme prejudice.

Naruto was forced to jump away from his perch as a curse punched through the rafter and the roof above. A string of overpowered blasting hexes chased him through the air. He threw a set of tagged kunai in random directions, flashing away between them to avoid the barrage and confuse his opponent.

He didn't bother to catch the kunai as he flashed between them. However, each time he jumped, he threw another brace, creating a web of points he could travel to. By the time the tools he threw hit the ground or the wall of the warehouse, he'd created a network of transit points covering most of the warehouse.

Voldemort had not been sitting idle. Curses followed each flash of light, passing through the place Naruto had been only moments after he disappeared. The curses ranged in color, but flashes of blinding green light featured prominently in the barrage. Naruto began creating clones as he jumped, and each clone was sent on a suicide mission to target the wizard. Clones dropped from the ceiling, armed with spinning rasengans, only to be picked off by curses before they even got close. Others tried kunai armed with explosive tags; thrown weapons were banished harmlessly away.

Clones that touched the ground were smashed by giant hands that rose from the ground; rafters turned into serpents to bite anyone who touched them. The ground around Voldemort was still too hot for his clones to endure; transfigured clones puffed away into smoke as they tried to approach on the ground in the form of some innocuous insect. It was a frantic game of tag, and the only reason Naruto was still alive was that his father's jutsu made him too fast to touch. His clones, however, were dying in droves, as Voldemort switched from targeting him directly to targeting the environment through area-effect spells that lingered in order to reduce the area that Naruto had available to use for his stratagems. He was quickly running out of areas to retreat to, and Voldemort showed no sign of slowing down. It was clear that the longer this battle went on, the more it would favor the dark wizard.

There was another problem as well. The hiraishin wasn't a chakra intensive jutsu to use – if used only once. Of the jutsu he knew, it was, in fact, one of the least charka intensive in his repertoire. But due to its instantaneous nature, he'd been spamming it and shadow clones now for the duration of the battle. Shadow clones, unlike the hiraishin, _were_ chakra intensive. Even a juggernaut could be stopped by thousands of paper cuts. For the first time ever, Naruto could feel his enormous chakra reserves diminishing rapidly, as he couldn't sustain the attrition rate.

Voldemort was also being liberal in his use of fiendfyre, which was consuming the warehouse from the bottom up and further cutting off avenues of escape. Naruto was beginning to get nervous, as nothing he'd tried came even close to harming the dark wizard before him.

As loath as he was to admit it, he was in over his head. Way over his head.

Having no other recourse, he turned inwards. _I need some help here! _He mentally screamed.

* * *

Hermione sat upright as a clone appeared in her room. "Here." The clone said, handing her a scroll. "I can't stay long. I've got to go help the boss. He's fighting Voldemort."

It flashed away. In another part of Hogwarts, a similar scene was played out in the Ravenclaw tower as a clone handed a scroll to Luna. "Got to go, Luna. Boss is fighting for his life."

Luna grabbed the clone's hand before it could vanish. "We'll miss you."

The clone looked at her funny. "What do you mean?"

Luna shook her head. "You aren't long for this place. Remember to condition any demands it makes."

The clone stared at her a bit. Rather than flash away, it decided to disperse. Luna's comments were always something to be taken to heart – particularly when they didn't make sense.

* * *

A dark chuckle responded to Naruto's plea. **Give me control.**

Naruto winced. He just barely managed to dodge a curse that time because he was distracted. Before he could agree, however, memories returned to him from Hogwarts. "_Remember to condition any demands it makes…"_

Naruto's thoughts raced. _I will give you control only for the duration of this battle, and you can only have control as long as you promise to fight and kill Voldemort and only Voldemort right here, right now._

**Agreed.**

_Agreed_. And so Naruto relinquished control. It was a strange feeling to be a passenger in his own body with little control over what was happening.

The Kyuubi didn't use the Hiraishin. As soon as it had control of Naruto's body, it stopped and addressed Voldemort directly. It was not Naruto's voice that spoke, but rather the Kyuubi's deep rumbling that issued forth. **"Unfortunately, I have already agreed that I must kill you and that I must do so here. However, I am looking forward to enjoying this process as much as and as long as possible. It is… infrequent that I am allowed any sort of agency, and I intend to enjoy it."**

Voldemort responded by lashing out with a killing curse. A tail of the Kyuubi's chakra, vile, oppressive, and deep, deep red sprang forth and batted the curse to the side. A shroud of chakra began to cover Naruto's body as the Kyuubi walked forward. The Kyuubi set a leisurely pace, advancing one step at a time, as if it had all the time in the world. As it advanced, the effects of Voldemort's magic were reversed as the Kyuubi picked apart the magic sustaining the spells. From his vantage point, Naruto was finally able to witness how chakra and magic interacted. Unfortunately, he was no closer to understanding it, but he tried as best he could to memorize what was happening for later experimentation.

If Voldemort was perturbed by the advance of the Kyuubi possessed Naruto, he gave no indication. The Dark wizard redoubled his efforts, flinging magics great and terrible in the direction of the blond ninja. The floor rose up to crush him and was batted down with a swipe of a chakra tail. Serpents attempted to bite him and withered into ash instantly when they touched the Kyuubi's chakra. Curses bounced off the shroud surrounding Naruto's body or were reflected back at Voldemort absentmindedly.

Fiendfyre was unleashed, and rather than bat it away, the Kyuubi's tail caught transformed into a hand and caught it and compressed it into a ball, tighter and tighter until it was a malevolent swirling sphere the size of a basketball. The fist closed around the ball, squelching it and snuffing out the flame completely.

**"Is that the extent of your power? Pathetic." **The Kyuubi said.

A second tail, then a third, sprang into existence. The distance between the two had halved; they stood less than ten meters apart at this point. The Kyuubi's oppressive aura filled the warehouse, making even Voldemort pause as the Kyuubi came to a stop, staring directly at Voldemort.

For the first time, Voldemort exhibited less than absolute confidence. "What… manner of magic is this?" He asked.

"**Magic?**" The Kyuubi scoffed. "**I don't need magic.** **This is my own power.**" A pair of hands, comprised entirely of the Kyuubi's chakra, sprang from beneath the ground where Voldemort was standing and grabbed his ankles. The dark wizard hissed in pain as the skin on his legs instantly began to smoke. His expression of pain turned to one of surprise, then terror, as he realized he was unable to apparate.

The Kyuubi tsked while one of the tails behind him formed a fist with its index finger pointed, waggling back and forth. "**We can't have you going anywhere until I've finished having my fun with you.**"

Voldemort leveled his wand and a blinding flash of green shot forth, only to casually be batted aside by the Kyuubi's chakra. A second pair of chakra hands split off from the first, grabbing the wizard's arms and pulling them out to the side. The skin on his arms immediately began to smoke as well. Voldemort struggled to free himself, a snarl fixed on his face.

**"No more of that now.**" The Kyuubi closed the distance slowly, till it was standing face to face with Voldemort. The wizard was taller, so using its chakra, the Kyuubi rose slowly into the air until they were at eye level. Voldemort's snake-like pupils were fully dilated, and several beads of sweat were visible on his bald head. The Kyuubi inhaled deeply. "**So you can feel fear. Good. That will make this even more fun.**"

"I will destroy you once I am free." Voldemort said.

"**Big words.** **An empty threat, of course, but your bravado is admirable. **" The fingernails on Naruto's right hand grew until they resembled claws. The fox reach up and grabbed the front of Voldemort's robes, and with a mighty yank ripped them open, revealing the pale flesh of the wizard's chest. The Kyuubi traced a single claw from thejunction of the clavicles down the breast bone until it reached the bottom of Voldemort's rib cage.

"**You enjoy pain, don't you?**" The Kyuubi asked. He didn't give Voldemort time to respond, however, as the rest of his fingers came up to Voldemort's rib cage. The Kyuubi pressed in. Claws pierced the skin as fingers met bone. Voldemort's ribcage was no match for the Kyuubi's hand as it pushed through the rib cage, ripping through connective tissue and shattering bone as if were paper. Voldemort screamed. Undeterred, the Kyuubi grabbed Voldemort's heart, and with a sharp jerk tore it from his body. A tail of chakra rushed in to fill the hole, connecting to the severed veins and arteries, pulsing in time with Voldemort's beating heart.

Voldemort's scream changed pitch to a keen.

The Kyuubi smiled. "**Now this… This is pain.** **Your body will remain alive for as long as I supply it chakra. Each beat of your heart will increase your agony, as I heal the damage and ravage your system anew.** **Your cruciatus curse is a pale imitation to what true pain can be."**

The Kyuubi's chakra flowed through Voldemort's system, dissolving it from the inside out. The Kyuubi frowned at what was being revealed through the process. Voldemort thrashed in his bonds, the corrosive chakra destroying his body even as it kept him alive. **"You've been a bad boy. Immortality is not for monkeys."**Focusing all of its formidable intent, the Kyuubi shaped the magic needed to pull the pieces of Voldemort's soul to him. A ring, a cup, a diadem, a locket, and… a boy were pulled through time and space to float in a ring around the writhing wizard.

Harry Potter was also writhing in pain, as Voldemort's agony was transferred to him. The Kyuubi didn't care; it reached out with a fist of chakra and crushed each horcrux in turn. As each one died, the piece of Voldemort's soul inside was destroyed as it made contact with the Kyuubi's chakra. Finally, it turned to Harry, the last of the horcruxes. Unfortunately, it promised it wouldn't kill anyone but Voldemort, so it forcibly yanked the piece of soul residing in Harry from his forehead. It was not gentle; Harry's forehead bleed freely from the process and the boy passed out from the pain. The Kyuubi allowed him to collapse in a heap on the ground, blood flowing freely from his freshly opened wound.

The Kyuubi had to keep its promise, but that promise left lots of wiggle room. In retrospect, Naruto should have been wary given the lack of haggling on the Kyuubi's part when the deal was struck. Sealing was an inexact science, to be sure. The Kyuubi wasn't a master of seals; but between watching Naruto's work modifying the dimensional seal and the hiraishin, it had a rudimentary understanding of what it was trying to accomplish. A vast sealing array was etched into the floor using chakra; blood from his victim was used to fill the shallow grooves.

Voldemort had long since screamed his vocal cords raw. The Kyuubi channeled his chakra into the seal array. Once charged, it activated the seal on Naruto's body, vanishing to a new plane. Voldemort's body, no longer supported by the Kyuubi's chakra, fell to the floor in an ignominious heap. When the e police arrived at the scene, they carted Harry off to a hospital to recover from his injuries. They were puzzled by the warm heart sitting in the middle of the floor. The seal was something they couldn't comprehend. Unable to make heads or tails of it, they called it a pentagram, and chalked the whole thing up to some sort of demonic sacrifice ritual.

Unfortunately, they were only all too correct.

* * *

The wizarding world spent weeks celebrating the news that Voldemort and the Death Eaters were truly dead. Harry Potter, a fifth year student at Hogwarts, became even more famous than before, simply because he was alive and found next to the very dead Voldemort. A priori Incantatem on Voldemort's wand revealed the deadly barrage of spells he'd cast; Harry's wand, in contrast, had only some simple stunners and blasting hexes on it (he'd been practicing his Defense Against Dark Arts course work when he'd been ripped from Hogwarts.)

Someone leaked the prophesy to the press. Wizards speculated endlessly about how Harry defeated Voldemort, wondering publicly what the "power he knows not" might be. Nothing they could conjure matched the physical evidence; Harry, for his part, just wanted to be left alone.

In all of the hullabaloo, the withdrawal of two students from Hogwarts went completely unnoticed.

* * *

At the Lovegood home, Luna nursed a cup of tea while Hermione frantically worked to modify a copy of the hiraishin seal.

"I'm not sure that's such a good plan, Hermione."

Hermione looked up from her seal work. "I swear to you, Luna, that I will track him down. He won't get away with this."

Luna, for her part, looked perturbed. "Tracking him down will be… difficult. Why should we bother?"

Hermione stamped her foot. "It's the principal of the thing! If we let him do this to us, he'll do it to others."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure we're not the first ones, Hermione." Luna smiled. "And surprisingly, I don't find myself caring one way or another. In fact, I think I'm happy. Besides, we've been left more than enough money. Why should we bother?"

"But… what about school? I want to complete my Mastery! And I want a career! I not ready for this much responsibility yet!" Hermione wailed. "And why did that damn charm fail? It's supposed to be fool-proof!"

Luna shrugged. "Maybe magic wanted this to happen."

Hermione frowned. "Maybe… but regardless, I'm going to find him, Luna."

"And then?" She asked.

Hermione frowned. "I'm… not sure. But I'll think of something."

* * *

AN: ... and done. Hogwarts arc complete. Next up... what, you think I'm going to tell you? Having fun writting again, but who knows how long I can keep this up before real life consumes all my time again?


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